View from the Ledge

I've always been drawn to the mountains. My early years were spent in northern Indiana, a fairly flat place, but with its own cool stuff like the Lake Michigan sand dunes rolling along the inland sea. But my family criss-crossed the country on vacations as I grew up, visiting relatives, exploring far-off places. The oceans, deserts and plains all have their unique appeal, but it's been the mountains that have always blown me away. I will never forget the first time, at age 8, that I was faced with the unbelievable scale of Mount Rainier hanging over the landscape, as though a second behemoth moon were rising from behind the horizon. That awe truly has never faded for me. There are so many options for mountain exploration in the Pacific Northwest. When my family moved here, I landed in a bit of paradise.

I have struggled with my health and weight all of my life. But my love for the mountains and my burning desire to explore eventually pushed me out there as a young adult. When I worked at a daycare and A worked in fast food, we saved our pennies, bought a run-down Ford Econoline van from a dude in a Safeway parking lot and started driving off into the wilderness. At first we just drove to pretty places, but we did begin to hike, occasionally, in a few settings that called to me such as Sunrise trails on Mt. Rainier. My general health issues, arthritis and obesity did not allow us to get far very fast, but we continued to push and push. It might take hours and enormous effort to make it to the top of the trail, and we might be the last people off the mountain, but we went anyway, and saw the most amazing things, even if what I could do was limited. We walked back in the dark, exhausted, in pain but triumphant, seeing things that other day hikers usually didn't get to because they were always off the mountain before twilight. You can see pictures of me doing this at my heaviest, right here on this page.

I am much more capable and enthusiastic in my exploration, these days. This year has been the most amazing, so far. Though I am currently heavier than my lightest, I'm guessing by 12 or more pounds - I'll talk about that more below - the hiking has been mostly easier than ever before. We have been doing a conditioning hike of some sort every day for the past month, with the goal of getting in good enough shape to be able to qualify for next winter's Alpine Scramble course at The Mountaineers so that we can make Camp Muir safely next summer. 

According to the brochure: "A rough measure of adequate conditioning is the ability to hike Mount Si, from the trailhead to the base of the Haystack with a full pack (20-30 lbs.) in 2—1/2 hours or less." I have never even attempted Mt. Si, to date. Mt. Si is a 3150 foot elevation gain, 8 mile round trip, and relentlessly steep. A tough goal, but I believe this to be doable, in this time frame, for the first time in my life. Camp Muir is at roughly 10,000 feet, halfway up Mt. Rainier from the Paradise visitor's center, and you must cross a treacherous snowfield to get there (which is why the Alpine Scramble course training is essential). You can see where it should be from the top of the Skyline trail. I have always dreamt, figuratively and literally of being way up there on the shoulder of Rainier, but the only way to get there is to hike, 4,000 feet of elevation gain in 4 miles. So we are conditioning, little by little.

This last weekend we hiked to Rattlesnake Ledge, another nearby beautiful Cascades hike, less steep but a decent challenge at 1200 feet elevation gain in just under 2 miles. The reward at the end is to step out onto a bare rock "ledge" that is more like a needle, 1500 feet up with views over the lake that you start out at far below, green pine valleys and the snow-dusted peaks beyond. We took that hike last July for the first time. It was a muggy hot day, so that may have  slowed us down. But it took us a few hours, with lots of stopping, and we were WRECKED. This year, admittedly on a slightly chilly but sunny day, it took us an hour! We played tag with a group of twenty-something kids while we took turns resting, (way less this time, though!)  and made it up in the same amount of time as they did! We passed other people who looked younger and thinner, struggling along the trail. This has NEVER happened for me before. Never. 

We ate our apple and almonds snack while admiring the vast landscape stretched out below the ledge. Afterwards, we attempted to go further up the trail and see how far we could make it up Rattlesnake Mountain, toward the East Peak, which is a much steeper climb. But just a few yards past the ledge the trail was covered in a deep mushy sludge of snow, impossible to walk in without crampons and freezing without proper gear. Here's me on that section looking goofy and cold:

I'm glad that we didn't continue much farther, actually, because while I wasn't feeling any pain at the time, I was disablingly sore for several days after in the hips. I still haven't discovered what the problem is there. I've decided to try taking digestive enzymes with and outside of meals, as some people have suggested may help if the hip problem is bursitis. I'll let you know how that goes.

All in all, that hike was glorious and really made me feel good about my progress and what I'd like to accomplish. I think a steady diet of weight training and walking has done me worlds of good. Especially doing the Occam's Protocol (from the 4 Hour Body), with super-heavy (but calibrated) lifting to failure. My legs are so much stronger, which apparently makes a giant difference in pushing myself up that mountain. It makes all kinds of sense, yet I never thought of that! I thought hiking was all about conditioning. Now I'm realizing that the benefits of lifting heavy things are much much more than getting giant biceps.

Yesterday we completed Occam's Protocol week 5, with the chest and leg press workout (B). We'd had to push workouts back in the past few weeks due to travel and post-hike soreness. It turns out that it had been 2 weeks since the last workout B. I only upped my inclined chest press 5 pounds instead of 10 as suggested, and I still UTTERLY failed to get minimum reps in, 3.5 instead of 7, but I held the failure and am hoping for better next week. However, I KILLED the leg press again. I got up to 150 pounds, for 15 reps to failure (5 past minimum). That's 50 pounds more than I began lifting 5 weeks ago, for a fifty percent increase in strength! Yaaaay! So, I'm making great strides towards functionality. I'm getting to do the things I've always dreamt of doing. These are thing that make life good.

I haven't been losing weight. I'm fairly sure I've been gaining. Yeah, some muscle, definitely. Also some fat, certainly. My clothes are not fitting right. I can't wear my fanciest duds that I just bought a few months back. I have to eat a lot of protein for the heavy bodybuilding routine, and just have NOT figured out how to make it happen without getting fatter. I'm trying not to freak out. I can't let myself gain too much. I won't go back to obesity. But I'm going to have to hit the brakes. 

This particular routine is over in a week. The plan is to switch to a fat-burning protocol with more functional free-weights, specifically the kettlebell. So I'm hoping that my metabolism picks up and I can keep stepping up the conditioning hikes, tighten the diet since I won't be bulking.

Why don't I know what I weigh? What I don't want to do is walk around in a state of neurotic freakout. A year ago, I would have. I would have weighed myself obsessively. I would have freaked out and let it get me down. Right now I have plenty of other stressors on my plate. But I also have a plan. I am active, and I am not going crazy with the eating. So I've decided to back off from the scale until I switch routines. Spending my mental energy to take care of and enjoy myself in the meantime.

Lastly, I am thinking that I just may be entering Peri-menopause. Yeahhhh. It's kind of hard to believe. You're soldiering along, finally getting a handle on life, and suddenly, boom, you're old. But I have a plethora of symptoms cropping up, everything from hot flashes, night sweats to the fact that my period is 5 days late now. Which NEVER happens. And uh no, not pregnant. There are other details, which I will spare. But also...the growing belly fat is another sign that LOTS of women complain of. There is a chance that this is the case with me, and that it has crept stealthily in during this whole weight-loss process. This is really bugging me, in case you can't tell. I'm trying to get zen about it. It happens to all of us. It's not the end of the world. I guess it just feels like an uphill battle at times. I had a nice figure, for JUST a second. Hopefully I will get it back again. 

If not, well, the world is big and beautiful. And there are still mountains to climb. The view from this ledge is pretty great. But I will go higher.

I'm Siiiiiiingin' in the Rain...

(Image borrowed from Crazy For Cult art contest)

Fresh back from an amazing trip to L.A. We were hoping for escape from the unusual cold-snap here in Seattle as well as the usual perpetual drizzle, but the trickster God of Vacation Weather frowned upon us and it was unseasonably frigid the whole time we were there and rained for several days. Ah well. It WAS sunny on either end of our stay, if chilly. AND, I got to sit 10 feet away from Malcom McDowell as he did a 30 minute introduction and Q&A after a brand spanking new remastered print of "A Clockwork Orange", telling amazing stories about Kubrick and how the movie got made, then emerge from the theater into the pouring rain. If you know "A Clockwork Orange", you know how "Singing in the Rain" gets stuck in your head on a loop, and I was so high on the experience happy...I did a little song and dance routine along Hollywood Boulevard on the way back to my friends' apartment, complete with simulated cane smacks and kicking. I have adored McDowell since I was 18 and first saw that movie, and I felt the same after seeing him as I did after I got to see some of my other life-long idols, like David Bowie or Iggy Pop. He was so charming and humble and smart and sweet. That was one of myriad highlights of an amazing trip, and overall I had a wonderful time.

I am certain that I have put on weight. My clothes are really fitting poorly. Some of it was deliberate choices to enjoy myself. I went to sushi with different friends a few times, because they wanted to and I missed it. I drank beer instead of wine several times when out or with St. Patty's day dinner, Guiness and potatoes, to enjoy the moment. But some of it was stress or alcohol induced eating.

I am realizing that our trips to L.A. have been a bit stressful for a number of reasons, including trying to maximize time spent with several friends there, and staying with some of those friends in an admittedly chaotic atmosphere. I realized that I comfort eat to deal with that, meaning eating starchy comforting foods and/or overeating. It's funny, because there are now only a few situations in which I comfort eat - sleep deprivation and stressful travel situations. But NOT stressful situations when I am at home. It must have something to do with not having familiar surroundings to comfort me.

I also eat poorly if I've been drinking excessively, which tends to only happen on vacation, or to help soothe the hangover after. A and I have noticed that we drink too much with our L.A. friends, and we think it's an association thing, since neither we nor our friends tend to drink too much without one another around. There is something about going out and/or celebrating holidays that we have come to associate with one another. St. Patrick's day in the wonderful historic but alcoholic Hollywood dive bar, The Frolic Room, for instance, didn't help circumstances one bit. My friends and I all talked about this together and committed to trying to do better next time, since none of use feel good after we behave this way.

One wonderful, amazing positive change that I have noticed...my self-confidence is SO much better now. I used to feel very nervous and self-conscious as I walked the streets of L.A. I had always felt that there was so much emphasis on image and thin-ness there. But there has been a sea-change inside me between just the last time and this. This time, I felt self-assured, confident, open. I began to see a totally different side of L.A., one where people were incredibly friendly and diverse. So many times and places, people would just walk up to me and start chatting. I made friends and had a great time everywhere I went. There was so much more happening, culturally, than the shallow, soul-less glitz that I had experienced before. Even in Hollywood, where my friends live right on the crazy main strip, I was able to see and feel so much more than that, the soul beneath the hype of it all. I know the change is in me.

This change is surely the cause of the new magnetism I feel with other people. On St. Patty's day at the Frolic Room, the life of the party cute guy in a jaunty hat and leather jacket became fascinated with me. With all these really cute young girls around! He just kind of honed in on me. Between his silly dancing antics, he was sweetly attentive and inquisitive, charming, well-spoken and informed. At the end of the night, he even asked me on a date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was amazing to me! He wasn't creepy or just aiming for sex. He wanted to get to know me. He was so intriguing. I really liked him.  I explained my situation with A, and he STILL urged me to see him. But no time for love, Dr. Jones. I was only there for a little time longer. In any case, so flattering! I must be beaming positive, happy, confident, sexy energy into the universe.

So here I am, happy, busy, in need of recovery from sleep deprivation and drinking too much, a few pounds heavier, trying to sort it all out. I spoke with my counselor some about the stress, and we figured out what had happened with the friends that had been stressful, what I had done right and what I could do better next time. I am definitely becoming more assertive and less concerned with other people's judgement/anger, we concluded, which is really good, for me. That has always been a problem of mine, historically. The work I've done over last three years have made a giant difference, and I am really reaping the benefits, physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is more work to do, but there is always more work to do. I feel no shame or guilt about the mistakes or choices I made. I am confident that I will keep moving in the right direction.

I am moving forward with Occam's protocol, (heavy weightlifting / lots of protein / minimal cardio to stimulate massive muscle growth) even though part of me wants to steer off into fat-loss mode, as I now am feeling kind of fat, for me. I do feel I should finish the 6 week commitment and get to where I can lift my bodyweight with my legs and get closer to where I can do a pull-up with my arms before I put that aside for a while. So close to my goals with this.

It's been so long since I've been able to write! I have yet to catch up with people's blogs, can't wait to see how everyone is doing. It will have to wait, maybe for another day or so, as I need to catch up on work, but I felt I couldn't put off writing any longer. I missed that outlet!

So for now, I feel good; happy, despite things not being perfect. So what if I'm a little heavier than I'd like? So what if I am not perfect at dealing with stress or conflict or communication issues or eating? Life is very good, overall. I can see and point to real progress in many realms. I have learned to relax and enjoy my surroundings so much more. Just like the song says, I'm singing and dancing in the rain....

Shoulders Pressed! Success!

Okay, today was upper body super fantastic lift heavy things day! (Otherwise known as Ocaam's Protocol Workout A from the 4 Hour Body book, by Tim Ferriss.) Previously, in last week's upper body super fantastic lift day, I failed to meet my minimum reps (one rep or less than 7) for the ever dreaded shoulder press, by half a freaking rep, at 40 pounds. It was the first time I didn't make the minimum. Though this sort of thing is not unexpected, especially at such a low starting weight, and there's a whole procedure to follow based on that.

Tonight I was filled with nervous anticipation as to whether or not I'd be able to hit minimum reps at the same weight. Would failing last week doom me to failing this week? Does lifting to failure always spur significant muscle gain?

So today I set it at 40 and tried again. I got there, but JUST...7.5 reps, to be exact! Hurray! This is TWICE the weight I first lifted to failure just over three weeks ago! Fantastic.

The fact that I got there this week really speaks to me about the incredible efficiency of this workout. ONE set of 7+ slow (5 count up/5 count down) lifts to absolute shaking groaning shuddering failure, with slow lowering of the weight even after that, plus adequate protein intake and rest, CAN spur a shocking amount of strength/muscle gain.Things only the weightlifters know, I guess!

Pounded the pull-down, 100 pounds x 11.5 reps today! I should be doing 120 by the end of the six weeks I set out for myself. I know these weights are still weenie in the weightlifting world, but for me, excellent real progress. I dicked around in the weight room for so long without every actually making any progress, so this is AWESOME.

It's hard to not to want to keep going, but I really want to switch to a more functional/fat burning fitness routine for a little while, that still uses weight training but involves MORE ACTUAL EXERCISE. Don't get me wrong, after we do our two lifts plus the abs, we are very tired and very hungry. It's hard work! But lifting a little bit twice a week, plus whatever walking we do is building muscle but not much functionality, nor are we losing fat. I chose this way to try and add a bunch of muscle very quickly. 

Just over halfway through, I can see a big difference.  My calves are getting definition. My biceps are insane. I can lift to failure much more than previously. It is totally, totally working.Theory is, this will help up my metabolism so that my body is burning more calories all the time, and so that I am stronger and more able to handle a higher level of exercise. Time will tell if this is effective in that regard, too. Mixing it up is supposed to be good for you, and I believe it. I think I'll cycle back to this kind of routine periodically, because it's easy and it's fun and I like getting stronger. Yes indeedy.

Tonight, I also added weights to my myotatic crunches. You do those on a Bosu (half) ball, supposedly more effective than a regular crunch. (I went to look for a video, and couldn't remember the name, put in "metastatic crunch." As in spreading tumors. That did NOT give me the results I was looking for!) I LOVED holding weights for those. I felt like they were getting too easy before. Just little two pound weights, but it kind of felt stabilizing or something. Next time, three pound weights!

As for the planks...weirdly, I could not meet my time from a few days ago! Should we be taking a week off between those, too? We're currently doing them every workout, twice a week. I could only hold my front and side planks for 30 seconds today, and last Wednesday I could do 45! I could only figure the struggle to get to my shoulder press minimum wore me out. Or that we really should rotate something different in instead, every other time. Ferriss suggests we do kettlebell swings every other time, but we're not trained for that. We will not have trainer money until we get back from L.A. and get paid again, three weeks down the road from now. And I don't want to pull my arms out of my sockets by accident so much.

But kettlebell IS next. I feel like a gym grown-up or something. Using the machines where you have to load your own weights on, instead of setting them with a pin, doing planks, using the bosu ball. Next will be swinging kettlebells and maybe even things like deadlifts and squats and pull-ups! Free weight and body weight exercises! Very exciting. Also, they offer a beginner's pilate's class once a week, want to hit that then too. It's a brave new exercise world.

Lastly, the belly roll has officially shrunk some, though the weight has only gone down a little. I feel like I can wear my tight Threadless day of the dead t-shirt again without being too self-conscious. I'm going to carry on with the no-alcohol (except tomorrow is the ONE day off from that, two glasses of wine and a few extra non-starchy carbs for metabolism boost, and all of that is under strict control), low-carb, no dairy, no messing around diet. Today, I decided I'm not losing fast enough and am cutting out nuts for the rest of the week too. L.A. clubbing is arriving too fast! Those skinny bitches will eat me alive! (I kid, it will all be fine.) But I seriously want to go feeling the best I can.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Last night after dinner, we were relaxing on the couch (yeah, great, right?), watching a rerun of "Game of Thrones" because we're excited about the upcoming season. Sooooo geeky! Anyways, we HAD walked a couple miles before dinner, as we have every night this week between weightlifting sessions, so I don't feel terrible about it. BUT we had already eaten big ol steaks and salad. I had found myself hungry again, plus trying to maximize protein intake, so I went and made a protein powder + 1 cup unsweetened almond milk shake, drank that down, felt satisfied for the night, went back to watch my show.

A few minutes later, A goes into the kitchen, comes back with an orange and a bag of trail mix. Now, this trail mix is just nuts (though including cashews, very starchy) and raisins, no sugar/grains or any of that smack. But still, I am trying to LOSE FAT while gaining muscle right now, and I just don't need those extra carbycarbycarbcarbs in the nuts and fruit form, which I know keeps me from losing, personally. He starts snacking on this. I KNOW this is the wrong thing to do. I think, man, there must be something better to be eating if you are still hungry, some form of protein.

So what did I do? I started eating it too. I find myself reaching into the bag repeatedly. I eat probably more than a big handful, maybe even two. Less than an hour before I will be going to bed. When I am not really hungry. For pleasure while watching the show. Then I find myself crankily telling A that this food is no good for us, we should be snacking on something else.

No bueno.

I realize that without A around, I NEVER snack late at night any more. But if he starts doing it, I do too. Does this mean A is to blame? Absolutely NOT! I need to take full responsibility for my own eating habits. Should I be saying ANYTHING to A about his habits? NO! I owe that boy an apology.

But somehow, all of these years, I give myself permission to eat whatever he's eating, whenever he's eating it. This has not gotten me good results, in the past. Partly because he's The Viking, standing almost a foot taller than my already somewhat tall self, with his linebacker freaking build, shoulders for miles. He NEEDS to eat more than me. I should not be eating as much as him. He weighs more than 90 pounds more than me right now. Eating like him will likely put me back up there, too!

But even beyond this...if he does give in to bad habits, as we all do sometimes, why does that mean I should?  I don't know why I still do this. Sometimes I don't, but often I do. So, if every time he feels he needs some extra calories, or just doesn't have the willpower to resist late night snacking, and I follow suit, and THEN I have my own lapses of willpower on top of that, well, that's the path to failure.

It's funny, because I've been able to divorce myself from everyone else's food behaviors around me, except for A. People might be eating cake, but they may as well be eating rocks, as far as I'm concerned. But A and I have been on this journey together for years now, and living together for over 20. Somehow, this makes it different, though it should not.

We've been, by all accounts, wildly successful overall. You can see how we've both progressed on the picture bar to the right, and those pictures don't even show us at our smallest. It's been over two and a half years since we started losing the weight this time, and though neither of us look/feel exactly as we'd like, we are still ex-obese and growing more athletic, with MUCH more normal food habits. I'm really proud of us.

But I must admit, I think I'm still attached to the idea that it's only "fair" that if he has a snack, I get one too. Even if I'm not hungry! There is still a little lingering disordered thinking, here. And possibly some enmeshment....A is not me and I am not A. I need to neither judge nor match his eating habits. I need to be adamant about taking care of myself. How do you remember to ask yourself, "Is this right for me, right now?" I do so much of the time.

I finally weighed in. Not a totally happy weight, but not TOO out of control. I need to step up my game this next week. Walk MORE. With or without A around. Eat less carby and at the right times, no matter what or when he or anyone else is munching. I want to fit back into my skinny jeans without the muffin top for L.A., the place where I feel fat at my skinniest! I want to be able to rock my clubwear because my friends have gigantic club plans for us, apparently. Gothy clubs and L.A. type clubs! You know what I'm talking about. I need to feel sexilicious. We leave next Thursday!

Monkey see, monkey don't! Or, as I have been advised...monkey see, monkey sit back and calmly observe. No knee-jerk reacting!

The Fingers You Have Used to Dial...Are Too Fat

So spotty this week! Just busy...including ups and downs.

Downs, I think, include my weight. I have not actually weighed, because it was getting neurotic. Clothes are BEGINNING to look a little better though.

Also downs include mood, though that was temporary. I am struggling on how to deal with alcoholic borderline/narcissistic personality close relative. They call me out of desperate need for emotional support every once in a while, though we used to be very close. For an hour and a half, we'll be having the best conversation, reconnecting, where I actually think I see a breakthrough in attitude. Suddenly, they seize on to some neurotic crazy notion that puts the locus of control back outside of themselves. This becomes a way to blame their problems on somebody else. Then they say something horrible to me, putting me on the defensive. I say something I am unhappy about (but is the truth), they get mad and hang up on me. Par for the course. I know that this can happen, any time I pick up the phone for them. I can't bring myself not to pick up the phone every once in a while. Still sad as hell, and brings me waaaaaaaay down, no matter how hard I try to tell myself that it's not my fault and I'm not responsible for the crazy. I do need to work on not becoming defensive in the face of it. That was yesterday, and it hurt a lot. Ah, well. I am starting to feel better again.

Power button broken on phone, an original Droid, which is also malfunctioning in 8 different other ways. Just passed my 2 year minimum on this phone, eligible for another upgrade. Of course the one I just NEED is $300 freaking dollars. A needs one, also, and he NEEDS one like the one I need. His phone is an embarrassment, now that he's going to be representing his company in tech demos and such. And we are paying for another person's phone, and they need a replacement, also. All the research has taken a LOT of time. I want a physical keyboard, but I want really great battery life and 4G LTE Android...so I think I need to give up the physical keyboard idea because the best thing out there for me is the Razr Maxx. But virtual keyboards slow me down and drive me crazy. Either I emanate a static force field the likes of which has been yet unimagined (possible), OR my fingers are too fat and I need a dialing wand. Thank you, Simpsons, for permanently placing that image in my head. A is forcing me to march down there and pick one out today, in any case.

Session 3 of Workout B, Occam's Razor, complete (as of Tuesday)! Again, JUST missed my minimum 7 reps for the Inclined Chest Press, 5.5 reps to failure at 40 pounds, but CRUSHED the leg press for 18.5 reps to failure at 120, with the minimum reps being 10! My legs are a teensy bit sore, but really not bad. Just like my workout A this time, my weakest muscles did NOT gain 100% in strength in two weeks flat, shockingly. But almost!

I am very convinced that if your lift starts at 20 lbs, then tiny kitten muscles that they are, you are NOT going to be able to double that muscle size in two week's time no matter how much protein powder you shovel in your piehole. And I have stopped shoving so much into my piehole! I just couldn't sustain it. I cut those beans out, cut my intake to 1 gram of protein per lb. of lean body weight, and my bloated belly seems to be receding quickly. I plan on weighing tomorrow to check on that. I do think that 1.25 grams was what somebody with testosterone and already a decent muscle-y build can really do something with, but for me it's so excessive my body can only try to shove that and all the calories that come with it into fat cells and sigh.

But look what my legs/glutes did with that! I am going to up my weight by 15 pounds next week, because I shouldn't be able to get more than a few past minimum.

Anyways, relieved to be going back to eating in a more normal fashion, for me. A little less fruit and cheese than I would normally eat, and no alcohol all week since Sunday. I am trying to be a good weight crushing kitty.

My Milkshake...

(Image blatantly stolen from The Shaving Grape. Go read his funness.)

I have my own version of a little black dress. It is magical, because I bought it when I was significantly heavier than I am, probably 15 pounds or so, and have worn it at my lowest weight, 10+ below where I am now, and it fits like a dream no matter what. It's a shirt dress with 3/4 sleeves and buttons all the way down the front, but it has a dozen or so rows of cute little square mini pleats, hard to explain, but super artsy and cute, from the waist down. There is a thick elastic belt with a leopard-pattern fabric front and buckle around the waist, placed perfectly. It comes to about mid-thigh on me.

It is one of the only dresses I have ever had that makes me feel like I'm NOT in drag, probably because of the men's shirt styling up top. It makes me look and feel svelte and sexy. It covers the loose skin on my arms, fits really nicely across the chest, shows off my hourglass figure, my relatively thin upper body, my new waistline, and forgives the all the sins below. Every person who wears dresses ever should be blessed with a dress like this.

I used to insist on wearing a black pencil skirt beneath and the front buttons at the bottom unbuttoned, because a) that makes it look a little more artsy but mostly b) I was so insecure about my legs. But my last round of weight loss made a significant difference in my legs, from mid-thigh down, fortunately for me. I am shocked at how tiny and cute they appear, from mid-thigh down, at least. I haven't even posted a pic of myself on this blog since that round, because I just haven't found one I loved. But I am happy about this.

The other night we had a First Thursday event for a friend in Pioneer Square and then another friend's birthday party at a popular Capitol Hill club where each of the three different floors are totally geared towards a different crowd, from House to Goth-y to hipster, making it a weirdly eclectic place to visit. I paired that dress with a really cool spiral steel necklace on a black suede lace around my neck, a chunky steel link bracelet, shiny gunmetal stockings and black tall boots with a hint of light tan fur lining that matches the lightest color of the leopard skin belt. I felt all Va-Va-Voom. And I DID NOT, for the very first time ever, wear a skirt underneath. I left those legs out there, for all to see.

All I gotta say is, I never lacked for company all freaking night. Random dudes struck up conversations with me, at both events, on every floor of that club, too. An acquaintance went openly gaga over me, which really raised eyebrows around our table. A different guy, super-cute newly-divorced weightlifting martial arts dude talked to me for hours. I'm not saying I was necessarily being hit on (well, except for the one acquaintance dude, who actually used a PICKUP LINE on me. Har.) But I am not used to people I don't know or know well, kind of pursuing me around the club for attention. Don't worry, I made time for my friends. But I get the feeling that I must be doing something right, if you know what I mean.

This helped me realize that even if I HAVE gained a little fat, maybe the weightlifting this is giving me some excellent other benefits. Maybe I look more athletic, or am exuding a new confidence. It just made me feel good to get that attention, though I know it's much more important that I value myself, from the inside out.

On another milkshake topic, I am struggling with the protein powder thing. I have been gaining  fat along with my muscle, and am trying to fine-tune the diet to figure out why. Subbing beans out for some of the fattier protein so far isn't helping. In fact, I think my weight gain has accelerated. Beans get two more days, and then out they go, unless my weight suddenly plunges. But I'm also worried it's the protein powder.

I haven't been feeling so hot, and in fact have had a lot more inflammatory issues going on. A is also gaining weight and not feeling so hot, either. I read a LOT of information about the controversies involving protein powder manufacturing. Mostly that unless done extremely carefully and more importantly, expensively, the protein becomes de-natured and can cause excito-toxin issues, which do cause inflammatory symptoms in me. Poop! I want to do the right thing, and I am so at sea here. I have immediately cut the protein powder, but I need lean protein, and the lean protein options I have are shrinking quickly. The protein powder/almond milkshakes are out. :( We are gonna most likely going to cut the beans, will cut a lot of fat coming up, and are going to stop drinking for a few weeks (after tonight's prescheduled bowling and fried chicken date with friends) to see if that helps at all. Wish us luck!

Beans, beans, the magical fruit?

Ok, so I really want to try and cut down on the burgeoning belly fat. Last night I went out, and my poor fancy shirt's buttons were shuddering under the strain of it al. This new gain is bumming me out. Gonna go whole hog on the Slow Carb, from Tim Ferriss' "4 Hour Body", instead of half-assing it. No more fruit/nuts/cheese except Saturday Cheat Day, as is prescribed. And now, checking to see if, as Ferriss claims, beans is the magic key to unlocking success with this new diet.

Added beans into my daily dietary mix this morning. A and I shared a can of black beans from Trader Joe's along with our sausage.

Considering how much gastrointestinal distress they have caused me in the past, I realized I had forgotten to procure any bean digestive aids along the way. Ferriss recommends rinsing the canned beans to get rid of the oligosaccharides that are soaked out in the liquid, but I like the liquid from black beans. I remembered reading somewhere that there were some food ingredients you could add to beans to help digest the oligosaccharides. A quick google search lead me to Wikipedia, of all places:

"Many edible beans, including broad beans and soybeans, contain oligosaccharides (particularly raffinose and stachyose), a type of sugar molecule also found in cabbage. An anti-oligosaccharide enzyme is necessary to properly digest these sugar molecules. As a normal human digestive tract does not contain any anti-oligosaccharide enzymes, consumed oligosaccharides are typically digested by bacteria in the large intestine. This digestion process produces flatulence-causing gases as a byproduct.^[12][13] This aspect of bean digestion is the basis for the children's rhyme "Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit".

So THAT would explain my extreme stomach discomfort and gas with both beans and anything cruciferous. I had to stop eating broccoli for many years. Also, I always remembered that rhyme as "Beans, beans the MAGICAL fruit." Am I mistaken? Skipping down:

"In many cuisines beans are cooked along with natural carminatives such as anise seeds, coriander seeds and cumin. Other strategies include soaking beans in water for several hours before mixing them with other ingredients to remove the offending sugars. Sometimes vinegar is added, but only after the beans are cooked as vinegar interferes with the beans' softening."

Score! I rifled through the spice cabinet (yes, a whole cabinet devoted to spices, haha!) and found the cumin, tossing in generous amounts. Threw in a few capfuls of apple cider vinegar. Stirred and tested...Tasty! It's been about 3 1/2 hours, now...so far, so good! Stomach not rumbling, no gas pain. Knock on wood! And they taste really good. Like, too good to be good for me good. Let's hope not.

Beans are, by nature, starchy. Up til now, I've avoided them for many years, on that basis. I didn't eat them on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet that I followed to fix my gut, successfully, a decade ago. I mostly avoided them on "The Zone," and I lost 80 pounds at that time (before eventually regaining, and then some.) I was told not to eat them on many phases of the HCG diet that most recently dropped me out of obesity. But Ferriss recommends eating them on his Slow Carb Diet, with the theory that they are digested slowly because of all the fiber, thus avoiding spiking the insulin while adding valuable protein. I need protein from less caloric sources than the enormous piles of fatty meat I've been chowing down to meet the Occam's Protocol protein requirements. He also claims they stop hunger, which I think I agree with, so far. Was craving food a LOT before on my half-assed version of Slow Carb, especially fruit. Today, not at all.

I need to add more veggies to the mix, though. I should steam broccoli and cauliflower and things of that sort more often. It's hard for me to picture my salads without the cheese, fruit, nuts, minimal dressing (though I already use dressing with NO sweeteners and fairly low calorie counts, such as Trader Joe's Tuscany Italian). I want like crazy for goat cheese to be okay, buuuuut it's probably not. He says no dairy at all.

I've already cut out the milk I was using for my protein shakes, substituting Trader Joe's unsweetened almond milk instead. Amazingly, it tastes so much less sweet! Apparently I could TASTE the sweetness of the lactose in the whole milk. 13 carbs per cup! The almond milk has 2 grams of carbs, less than 1 of sugar. The downside of this switch, almond milk has 1 gram of protein, vs. 8 grams in whole milk. But 40 calories rather than a whopping 150 per cup in the milk. Sooooo...to comply with Slow Carb and give my waistline a chance, no milk, no cheese (sob!), no yogurt, no fun.

But I should give this a decent shot to see if my waistline comes back under control while I continue trying to gain muscle. Thanks for bearing with my current floundering. So hard to leave a method that worked and find a new way towards my goals. We'll see how this goes!

Planked!

Got busy, but weekend went differently than I had previously imagined.

Occam's Protocol, Workout B number two...Crushed! Another 10% strength gain for both lifts for both of us. Woohoo! I did 1.5 reps and 2.5 reps past failure on my two lifts, again, just about perfect. I am lifting the right amount. We added planks to our ab routine this time! They are tough and I LOVE them. Fun! Weird! I felt like a superhero or something. My whole body shook with effort, but I could do it - 30 seconds each time, front and both sides. Happy times! Brand new muscles accessed, for sure. The leg press, man I tell you. I can see new definition in my calves, I swear it!

Our friend talked us into going to a comedy show , The Humor Program at The Naked City brewpub in Greenwood, rather than sushi post workout as we had planned. The comedy shorts that were part of this show were really excellent, and the show was fun. We had a great time with our buddies. As for food...this was carby cheat day, so...we did! Legitimately. But it was JUST post massive leg-press weight-lifting-to-failure workout. And everyone at the table ordered fries. And I was so hungry. So very hungry. Ate toooooo many fries. Had a great brisket sandwich, baby greens salad, aaaaaand three beers.

Ok, I was supposed to eat carbs and many more calories than usual. So it's not like I was off plan. But we felt really really yucky the next day. Not used to eating like that. At all. And I am still bloated and feel...fat.

However, we eventually pulled our shiznit together and went for a hike on Sunday. A baby-hike, but a hike nonetheless. Wallace Falls State Park, with a series of amazing waterfalls cascading down beautiful craggy and rounded snow-capped mountains. It was, however one of the coldest days here in a while, and it was snowing on us. Oh well! We decided, because of our late start and sore thighs to go up as far as was prudent. We made it up to the middle falls, 4.2 miles round trip, about 800 lil baby feet in elevation. And my hips and knees still hurt on the way back down. Mind you, last summer we were doing almost three times that elevation gain. I am looking forward to hiking without having just crushed my lower half on the press the night before. That's the plan, moving forward. It was so peaceful, though, and beautiful. The trees were covered with a spring green moss that glowed in the sunlight. The river wove back and forth under bridges that the trail crossed over. The snow dusted mountains above framed every view.

In any case, proud of us for getting out there and starting our conditioning hikes, for sticking to the lifting plan, and for being flexible enough to change our plans to include friends and some decent entertainment/art.

I am still struggling with how much/what to eat. In the meantime, eating a lot to get all 150 grams of protein in a day for muscle growth. I think it's working, but yeah...I'm seeing fat gain too. Tomorrow I get to go grocery shopping. I am going to pick up....drum roll please...BEANS! They have been historically problematic for me. But I want to give it another shot, to more closely adhere to the Slow Carb diet. I haven't made it all the way there yet. I should probably cut all fruit, nuts, cheese except cheat day. Eat veggies instead, and lower fat meats. Or not care about the fat gain. Guess I'll keep see-sawing in my attitude until I make up my mind. :)

But overall, I'm happy to be where I am right now. Happy with where I'm heading. I know I'll figure it out. I can't have gotten all the way here without continuing on.

Saturday Cheat Day

Food porn warning! Read at your own peril!

So I'm supposed to cycle carbs in and up my calories one day a week, in order to trick my body into going "Hey! Look at that! We're eating a bunch of rich-ass food! I guess we don't have to hang on to every ounce of fat we're given after all." Why did I write that in plural? Perhaps I was imagining the teeming hordes of my fat cells speaking? Also, psychologically speaking, this seems a sound strategy. Keeps you from exploding into binge-y crazyland. So I sally forth, ready for piggy goodness to ensue. Though practically speaking, going for mostly low-carb-but-carbier-than-allowed-on-other-days options.

Supposed to kick off with protein, so I went straight to the Jarrow Brown Rice Protein Powder and organic whole milk. Trying to use up the last of that milk and switch to something a little less carb-y for future protein powder consumption. Then I made coffee and started cooking my newly discovered Fluffy Coconut Flour Pancakes. Ohhhhhh myyyyyyy! (Yes, you SHOULD imagine George Takei saying this.) They are OBSCENELY delicious. Dare I say, better than wheat flour pancakes? I dare! That is a picture above stolen from the recipe site's page, Nourishing Days. Thank you thank you thank you for this recipe! I got there via a post on Mark's Daily Apple, which is also an awesome site on Primal eating and fitness, which I would say most closely aligns with what want to eat and do for the rest of my life when I am done experimenting with 4 Hour Body stuff. In case you never heard of it.

In my version, I used up more of the whole milk, as I am fresh out of coconut milk, and a tablespoon of honey as the sweetener. Also, I subbed aluminum-free baking powder in for the baking soda by accident, but they were so fluffy and delicious, that is now part of MY recipe. I cut up strawberries and washed some blueberries and heated some honey in a jar in a pan of water to make it extra pourable, and stuck all that plus some grass fed butter on the hot cakes before eating. Also, we had some porkalicious uncured organic sausage. Excellent breakfast achieved.

This all will go pretty well with the heavy lifting scheduled for today, so that we don't bonk. Tonight, we do Workout B numero dos! I am guessing and hoping and begging the universe that without the added stresses of calibration, the leg press won't leave me with a bad case of the Peg Leg for the next few days, like last time. Though again, that got better shockingly fast, compared to the sheer amount of pain I was in (trust me, I'm no pain wimp, either. Kind of the opposite, actually. But I don't want to hurt myself, so I listen to my body!)

SOOOO excited to see what I can lift this week. I really really really hope my legs and chest press are gonna show massive strength gain like Workout A did this week. I haven't been this psyched to go to the gym, um, EVER. Love Occam's Protocol. I know I will need to switch to more functional fitness later, including way more conditioning, but in the meantime, this is really fun.

After the workout? Sushi!!!!! I love sushi, and I never get to have it because of the rice. (Sashimi, while awesome, is just NOT the same.) I love salmon nigiri, ono nigiri, amoebi (raw nigiri with the heads tempura fried separately!), ohitashi, spider rolls. Oh happy day. I am doing the snoopy dance thinking about this. Also, possibly beer. Which I am also crazy for and never get to have. So these are the actual very carby treats that I'm going for today.

Lastly, A and I and a dear friend/roommate have been talking over the issues with gaining muscle and fat gain. While we will try to be careful, maybe add in some more leaner meat meals, and stay off the fruits most days, we've decided we will not kill ourselves to try and lean out during this time period. We're going to try to minimize fat gain, but not freak the F out. I can see I've gained a LITTLE around the waist, too. But I'm not going to risk not putting on enough muscle due to protein deprivation, nor am I going to restrict myself to nothing but bland lean meats and steamed broccoli. I think that mostly staying off fruit, completely staying off sugar and grains and starch 6 days a week is deprivation enough. I am not a fitness model. I am a (semi-) normal human being with a normal weight, trying to gain some muscle for my sports of choice, hiking, scrambling, open water swimming, and continued weightlifting fun times. And to try and up my metabolism, after dieting it into the freaking ground.

After this 6 week period, I will start intense conditioning, lots of hiking and kettlebell swinging and try to cut fat down through diet for a little while. It will be spring. I'm guessing it will come pretty naturally, without having to stuff that much protein down my craw every day.

I know I'm see-sawing a bit here. Hard to overcome that panicky feeling of seeing minor gains after losing so very much weight. Just have to remember, I am WORLDS away from what I used to be, 2 1/2 years ago. For instance, I haul my ass into the gym on a regular basis. I take 4 - 6 mile walks without even thinking twice about it. We don't even have junk food in the house, a fact that lead our roommate to comment on how he's been naturally losing weight because that crap is never around. We cook all of our meals completely from scratch, and naturally reach for meat and veggie options only at restaurants. My ass occasionally fits into single digit clothing (though that is clearly size inflation.) Time to stop freaking out and live.

Peg-Leg Update

Okay, no longer peg-legging my way around town, so even though there is still soreness in my left thigh, it is well within manageable post-workout soreness levels, the third day after the overuse injury now. Will still probably bump back leg presses for a day or two to make certain that the muscle is fully recovered, but that's totally fine. Pleased with my speed of healing, based on how painful that was even just yesterday, to be sure!

Going to do Workout A (upper body only) for the second time in a few hours, and I'm really psyched, actually. It will be fun to see if I netted any strength gains since last week. By the monster growth I've seen in my arms, I'm guessing yes! This is the acid test...does this heavy lift to failure minimum rep thing really really work? Can't wait to find out!

Eating protein like a crazy carnivore. My hunger levels have been through the roof. I wonder if my healing overuse injury is begging for more protein than usual. Think I'll go drink another protein powder shake to see if I can quiet the beast for a minute. My weight is slightly up, but Tim Ferriss predicts a 2.5 pound muscle gain per week, minimum, no matter who you are, girl, boy, hard-gainer or not, by following Occam's Protocol, and this gain is just less than that. I am not gonna let the scale freak me out right now. It's not about that. My clothes seem to be fitting the same, except I can see massive muscular gains in my arms, which is crazytown! So time to keep chilling...will re-measure in a week, halfway through the protocol, to see what's happening all over, body composition wise. If the scale is edging up and it's all muscle, that's great. If not, we'll have to revisit diet - see below.

My mood is back up again. It's been mostly crazy up (as has been my libido!) since a few weeks after going back to eating normal amounts of food, taking the AGG/PAG/CQ stack (see previous posts for more info), taking vitamin D again and getting exercise. It's very hard to tease out exactly what is helping, but I'm glad something is.

I know this morning's rant about angry people seems...angry. I think I overloaded on the toxicity of so much of it at once. It made me kind of nauseous. And again, don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with being angry, even if someone is angry with me! Especially with me. I get angry, everyone does, it's important. It's all in how you deal with it. Do you stew in it, rage with it, take it out on other people? Or do you use it to see something is wrong, state your case, stand your ground calmly and try to negotiate a better life? At least my mood bobbed back up pretty quickly. I just needed to vent and move on. One more thing to remember about how your problems do not magically disappear when you reach a normal weight. In case you didn't know.

Tried on clothes for a second whilst running errands. Simultaneously awesome and depressing. Skinny-fat sucks. I am now so amazingly small, overall, but so...bulgy. I ended up buying nothing. Sometimes clothes look so freaking hot on me, but they really have to be the right ones. I know that now is the time to be patient, gain the muscle that is going to give me more definition and shift my metabolism more to fat-burning. Patience now is key. I may have to stay out of dressing rooms a little longer...

Lastly...I feel a little at sea about my diet right now. I know I need to be taking in 1.25 grams of protein/pound of lean body mass during this massive muscle gain phase. Do I need to be limiting my fats to keep from gaining? So much conflicting information. I'm supposed to be limiting my carbs to near nil except one day a week, and I am, though I am reluctant to completely give up fruit 6 days out the week as Ferriss recommends. I like an apple and almonds as a snack, but it's against my religion, apparently, right now. I am NOT limiting myself to lean protein at all. Eating roast chicken with skin, ribeye steaks, shrimp, salmon, butter, cream, occasional goat cheese. Some people seem to think that will work better for me, some think it's a recipe for disaster. This is kind of hard. Also, tired of severe restriction after many years on and off of that. Guess I just have to experiment and see what happens. Again, starting in April, cutting/functional fitness/more cardio-oriented phase may help tremendously.

Edit - one last thought for the day: I am not a religious-type person, so I was puzzled when I first saw this middle-aged lady crossing the street with what looked like some kind of junk smeared across her forehead. It was the second one that I saw in Target that produced my startling realization that it was in fact, Ash Wednesday, and these ladies were taking it quite seriously, which is cool by me, just not accustomed to it. Right after my revelation, I overheard this kid one aisle over: "She has ice cream on her head!" I totally busted up.

Happy Ice-Cream-Head Wednesday!

Occam's Protocol

One of my dearest friends bought us a copy of The Four Hour Body, by professional madman, Tim Ferriss. The book is huge, funny and chock full of intriguing life-hacking tips about creating a better physical reality for yourself, everything from losing fat and gaining muscle to better quality sleep and sex. Totally worth owning and experimenting with.

Knowing that my dependancy on HCG is permanently over, I've eagerly seized upon many of Ferriss' recommendations as a path to maintenance and further improvement. I know that if I don't start adopting a new regimen, the future will be a long slow slip back into old habits and my old body. Experience has taught me so.

I've been toying with what techniques to try first. In all actuality, I'd probably do best to try what Ferriss calls the Kiwi's butt-building workout, lol. In all seriousness, this workout regimen that centers around the kettlebell and other functional fitness movements involving free weights and plyometrics (such as the Turkish Get Up - awesome name, right?) is probably the best for me. However, just glancing over what this workout entails, I know that I would be uncomfortable and probably most foolish to try it without the benefit of a personal trainer to show me correct form and approach to these movements without say, ripping arms out of sockets or planting a kettleball in someone's face. But we are so very very broke. Thank you, emergency mid-West trip and drunken Valentymes day shenanigans. Also, and this is sad, my gym appears to NOT stock kettleballs. How can that be, in this elite fitness day and age?

Since I've already paid for this month, and I decided to try something different for at least the next six weeks. I settled on what Ferriss terms "Occam's Protocol." The theory behind this training, like much of Ferriss' book, is maximum results for minimal effort. Efficiency in training. This one in particular focuses on massive muscle gain in a very short time through two half hour sessions a week. That's right, my darlings. Better than any comic book back page ad promise you've ever read!

The secret? Two sessions, spaced several days apart and progressively further as you gain, two different lifts for each session, done to extreme failure. Plus an optional short abs/kettlebell session (IF you have one of those snooty fancy gyms that have them. Apparently. Sheesh!) Plus eating 1.25 grams of protein per lean body mass weight per day.

Just did the first session yesterday. It takes a while  to calibrate your failure weights the first two different workout sessions, so it took longer than the half hour. But I did that for both upper body exercises. Felt like nothing, though I had noodle arms for the rest of the night. Today? I feel my entire upper body beginning to lock up like a seized engine. Oh My God Soreness! I plan to slather on the Arnica gel (the real stuff, not the Homeopathic, you have to search like crazy to find it) like I'm putting out a fire in a minute. Note to self: Do It The Night Before! Though to be honest, soreness has never really bugged me or stood in my way. I really do think I'm gonna like this.

Here's the thing. It's meant to put on MASSIVE amounts of muscle. Up to 2.5 pounds a week! It isn't meant for weight loss. Do I have weight to lose? Totally. Do I care? Hmmmm...

I decided, after looking at many pictures of people my height/weight that those people look far, far more in shape than I, after reducing from Morbidly Obese to JUST barely HWP according to the BMI charts. They don't appear to have my spare tires and bra hanger fat and overall Jellyness. I think I do in fact fall into the "Skinnyfat" category.

In case you've never heard of it, it's definitely a thing. It means that your body composition is still fat for your height, though you weigh what is considered normal. In other words, you are lacking in lean muscle mass and making up for it in fat. I must have lost too much lean muscle mass along the way. With clothes on, people go on and on about how trim I appear to be. Even the owner of the gym, who I have not seen since I lost the last 25 pounds or so, had a shitfit about how skinny I look now. If they saw what I see every day when I am getting dressed, I am sure this would not be so. I am now somewhat compact, but lack most tone and have quite a fatty layer on top. Naked, without Spanx-like garments, I look, as one blogger put it, like a melted snowman - the same shape as before, just much much smaller.

The dieting process has become less and less effective for me. Exponentially so. As it does. Diminishing returns, no matter how strict my living, or educated my eating. Plus, if I keep whittling away, I can pretty much just expect to keep losing fat and muscle together. Getting skinny-fat, but eventually just skinny. That is NOT what I want. Plus, so very tired of deprivation. I want to LIVE. Eat. Move. Enjoy.

So, tired of the diet diet diet phase of living, I have decided instead to build muscle like crazy, in hopes of toning up, then thinning out. Ferriss' prescription should help keep it mostly muscle gain, but I will probably put a little fat on. We'll see. However, the more muscle you put on, the better your metabolism functions. I have read many arguments about this, but I keep seeing better and better studies supporting that building muscles really does support more efficient calorie-burning metabolisms. I will need to track those down and support my assertions, but right now, I am lazily ditching work to write this, so it will have to be later. Suffice to say, I've convinced enough to try, for six weeks at least.

After that, we should hopefully be able to afford personal training and possibly switch gyms to responsible kettlebell-owning establishments. Which makes me sad, because I love my gym, and the owner/manager/whatever he is who is so sweet and makes me feel skinny. I can't use them at home, because I won't go out in the constant grey downpour that is my home to use it, and inside the ceilings are so low to as to be troublesome for my 6'6" fella not to constantly whack a hand on it when carelessly gesticulating. Even I do, sometimes.

So, here's to the first great experiment of how to live without HCG 101. Wish me luck!

Quickie, Quickie, No Longer Sickie

Feeling so much better today. The drama-free zone has worked wonders. Ignored another possible family drama-filled missive (until tomorrow - I think I can handle it then just fine.)  Just a chill weekend spent with friends and taking care of home and work.

Yesterday, I worked a little, then went to my friend's art show yesterday, ate cheese, drank wine, never touched cracker one! A triumph. Also went to nibbly dinner with a few friends after, again, they had NO carb-free options, but we made it work, just ate cheese and veggies and some roast beef and more wine. We are the champions!

Am still getting high off the compliments, as I am currently the skinniest that most of my friends have seen me. People calling me sexy and hot makes me squeal. Are you freaking kidding me? I hardly can even hear that. Someday that will end. Perhaps when I stop being a stranger and everyone gets used to (tired of) my ass being around all the time again. :)

That's the plan, too. I will never shut myself off from humanity, never severely limit my life in the name of weight loss again. I don't think I will have to. I am forever grateful to what I've obtained through the extreme self-control, sacrifice, and medical gift that I was given, but I can see a better way for me now that I've achieved this level of health and incredible lightness (for me.)

I had to work ALL DAY today to make up for being sick, but that's okay. I am giddy with excitement of the return of normalcy. Leaving behind the sadness/depression of the last week's family madness, and the resulting illness. Setting my new fitness/diet plans in motion. Especially lifting heavy things to build up arms and other body parts worthy of fighting off Terminators. (As you do.) Having a concrete plan for seeing friends EVERY week, at least TWICE a week. Low carbing during the week, one day a week carby refeed to upregulate the ol' metabolism. Tricksy science! I love it! Just getting as happy and healthy and kick-ass as possible.

My eating has been very very light today. I am glad about that, because I felt I was eating a lot before, although I've been steadily losing the weight I bounced up to after the Midwest fiasco-I-mean trip all week. (Some of it was probably water, but obviously not all, since the high water mark of my girth has been receding rather slowly.) Glad of it, anyways, I feel in control and just really, dare I say it...normal! Hurray!

Kick-Ass Mofo in 3...2...1..

Turning the corner on being sick. Finally some energy, and only a little sneezing.

Family drama continues. Email from a relative full-on defending the neglect of my little 3rd cousin. Phone argument with another relative about their "scorched earth policy"/abusive rage whenever they get angry or upset. Very hard conversations, indeed. I stood my ground while being as compassionate and diplomatic as possible. I don't want to contribute to drama, but I'm not putting up with abuse, either, which is defacto endorsement of continued drama.

But I am stepping back, letting go. The next two days, I have declared my house a drama-free zone. No email or phone calls will be honored, except an absolute emergency. Just dedicated to working/recovery from illness and stress.

Weigh-in this morning, am up 4 pounds from before the extremely stressful family trip to the Midwest. Hmmm. :/

Deciding not to freak out, though. Just up my physical activity. Continue to eat as Primal as possible. Take my supplements. See where this gets me over the next few weeks. Really looking forward to lifting again. It always gives me good results. My biceps are deflating, they used to blow my friends and family away. I had some serious Sarah Conner guns going on. This will not do!

This morning we decided to have some coconut flour pancakes, with eggs, coconut milk, strawberries, a little honey/xylitol to sweeten. They were really good, but I think I need to eat sausage along with, for more protein. And some veggies of some sort. I'll get it down. I'm doing so already.

Watched Kill Bill 1 again last night. Uma Thurman inspires me. I want to be able to kick some ass, too. Also in love with Lucy Liu, she made me wish I had freckles! And Vivica Fox, my god, what a body. I don't need to be uber-skinny, but I do want to be muscled and agile like them. Phase 1 - escape from obesity (to borrow a phrase from one of my favorite bloggers) is ovah! Phase 2 - become a kick-ass mofo, commencing!

Zombie Blog Comes Alive

So, I didn't mean to abandon my blog. Looking back at the posts, I can see why I did.

Overly verbose.

Obsessive.

I actually had to stop reading the blogs for a while, also, for a number of reasons. I have problems with internet addiction, to be sure. Addictive personality that latches on to anything to avoid pain and problems.

But I am losing weight again. I am learning to be more honest and succinct. I appreciate the other bloggers who are out there, laying it on the line day after day. I wanted to tell any of you that care that I haven't given up, and neither should you.

I feel I've come a long way in the last year and a half. The weight loss has been a slow process. I did have to take some time off, because I needed some time to just live and breathe and not worry about it. I regained some, but not a lot, in the grand scheme of things. Recently re-tackled it all, and now I'm down to a lifetime low, and am according to the silly BMI numbers, no longer in the "Overweight" category. This isn't the truth, however, I still have some excess body fat that clearly needs to go. Which is fine, I'm currently working on it.

I'm about to ditch my current method of weight loss for good. The rounds of HCG did get me from morbidly obese to "normal." I'm looking at a number of other models. 4 Hour Body, Lean Gains, or just plain Paleo eating, plus increased activity. I feel I need to take the activity and exercise to the next level, or it will be forever backsliding and trying to regain lost ground.

I'm dreaming of hiking to Camp Muir, the climbing camp on Mount Rainier at over 10,000 feet. We were going to take the Alpine Scrambling course offered by the Mountaineers to prepare for that, but could not afford it this year. Instead, we're planning on snowshoeing classes and training hikes starting mid-late February, as soon as I get off this round. This will not get us ready for Camp Muir, as I believe we need the navigation and safety training to safely cross the Muir Snowfield, but I do believe we will take some epic hikes this summer.

Lastly, it would seem that my paternal Grandma has probably not got long to live. Due to a complicated abusive family situation, we have been kept apart mostly for 20 years or more. I miss her and feel terrible about it. I am thinking about throwing caution to the wind, going out to see her despite the issues involved. I talked to her yesterday and cried for quite a while afterwards. I may have to abandon my current protocol to do so, as just for this particular protocol it's honestly too difficult to follow while traveling. Which is really tough, because my doctor will not allow me to go back on it for a year, and I don't plan to, ever. I am scared I won't be able to shed the 13 pounds or so I want to without it. But I am more scared that I will never get to see her again. Weight loss is not worth a lifetime of regret.

This has been a deeply emotionally trying time. The last few years I have worked really hard to learn to face my fears and stop avoiding painful things, and now I really must face up to this, too.

What I've gained...

I gotz the fever!  If only that weren't literal.

Yesterday, A, his brother and I hacked away at our utterly neglected wild kingdom of a yard, beating the blackberries into submission (at least back to their safe space behind the shed, a no-man's land that we have long conceded), chopping the verdant meadows down to lawn length again, and completely clipping back the weird invasive vine/tree/plant thingies from our neighbor's yard that grow up our fence and across the front lawn until they block the view.  Whew!  We had way too much yard waste to go into the container, so we had to stack it behind the shed with the blackberries, and it's as high as the shed!  Lord.  We may never see that patch of grass again.

A and I decided to share a rare 10" gourmet pizza (it's been AGES, possibly a year, my half was the Zorba with spinach, tomatoes, feta cheese, pretty thin crust...it was magically delicious!) and two pints of beer at Fiddler's Inn to reward ourselves, then go walk through Home Depot to daydream about the day we can actually afford to landscape and pick up a few supplies.  By late afternoon, I realized that I felt TERRIBLE.  Raging fever, weak, achy, A said heat was emanating from me.  Starting to feel better today, but now A feels bad.  No fairs!  So we're spending the beautiful Seattle summer Sunday afternoon curled up on the couch playing video games and surfing.  Bleah.

It's TOM time (redundant, yes I know), and I am up up up in weight, 3.5 pounds, most likely between water retention and probably also from pizza and beer, heh heh.  I'm not letting it bother me in the slightest right now.  I know it will go right back down in a few days after the hormones re-level and I spend some bread/beer free time, always does.  So this post isn't really about that. :)  I'm glad I've stopped freaking out at the slightest fluctuation.  So's A, for that matter.

Instead of focusing on how icky I feel, I want to write about good things.  Specifically, what I've gained along the way.  I got the idea of thinking this way from C.C. at Journey to Lost 200 Pounds..., who posted about not losing what you've gained.  It's had a profound effect on my psyche, to think that way.  So what's better?  What's changed?  How are things different?

A and I have gotten so much healthier in almost every way.  We go for walks most days, occasional hikes and swims when we can.  We've both cut waaaaay down on the drinking.  We've reconnected on a profound level, physically and emotionally.  I never get tired of hearing him tell me how pretty and small I am now.  I tell him how handsome and skinny he is as often as I can.  At 19 years together, I think we're closer than we've ever been.

I've been getting more flirty attention from teh cuties in general.  It really boosts the ol' self-esteem to have the random attractive person chat ya up like that.  Just sayin'!

I feel much more comfortable in social situations.  People seem to be a little more receptive to me, and I'm not certain whether the difference  comes from the way they perceive obese people vs. how I look now, or if I'm just coming across as more self-confident, or what.  My social anxiety hasn't completely disappeared, far from it, but I'm not nearly as nervous or miserable when I've gone to parties or big gatherings of any kind.

I fit in all chairs with no issue.  There was a metal chair with arms at work in the break room that I avoided like the plague, all the way until this spring.  My hips would literally get stuck in it, and when I stood, unless I was extremely careful to push the arms down and wiggle my butt out, it would stand with me!  Aye-yi-yi!  Mortifying!  But now I am comfortable in any standard chair, airline seat, theater seat, etc.  A little while back we had people over and realized that A and I fit on less than one couch cushion, and two or three more people could get onto our sofa with no problems.  Before, three was a crowd!

My weight comes back down if it goes up without a big struggle.  I think this means my metabolism is healing, even if incrementally.  I am no longer freaking out about it, which means less stress and worry.

I bought and wore real swimming attire for the first time in my adult life, and I am not totally self-conscious in it.  A thinks I look totally cute wearing it and bubbles over with praise for me whenever I put it on.

I buy most of my clothes in regular sized stores/departments now.  This is incredibly liberating!  The clothes are cheaper, made better and cuter in general, though I've yet to figure out exactly where to go to find my style.  The last couple things I bought in a plus sized store (pants and swim trunks) are slightly too big and keep migrating down to the lowest point on my hips, not a good look for me.  I HATE belts with a passion, since I'm still not comfortable tucking they tend to make my shirt bump out at the worst point possible on what A and I have taken to calling my "Maui belly" (my stomach got slightly bigger ever since our trip to Hawaii.)  Plus it feels weird to have something cinching me around the middle.  Maybe one day I'll be skinny enough that I don't even notice how they seem to squeeze the life out of you like a boa constrictor when you move around.  I know that skinny people don't change as much in radius when they sit down, so that may yet happen.  I learned about that from watching a documentary about the making of Dune, when the costume designer was talking about the challenges involved in making the suits for Baron Harkonnen and the Beast Rabban, lolz.

My I get off track easily.  Probably the fever in my brainz.  I realize that what I've written about is a pretty standard weight loss blog post, nothing new under the sun, but I do think sometimes it pays to pay homage to how things have gotten better, even if it's a little cliche.  If you don't remember where you've come from, it's all too easy to slip into complacency and let your brain trick you into thinking you're missing out if you're not stuffing your face with everything in front of you.  Happily, so far this is never really the case anymore...I think I have a much better relationship with food at this point.  At least, when I'm feeling up to eating again.  Think it's time to make some tea!