Monkey See, Monkey Do

Last night after dinner, we were relaxing on the couch (yeah, great, right?), watching a rerun of "Game of Thrones" because we're excited about the upcoming season. Sooooo geeky! Anyways, we HAD walked a couple miles before dinner, as we have every night this week between weightlifting sessions, so I don't feel terrible about it. BUT we had already eaten big ol steaks and salad. I had found myself hungry again, plus trying to maximize protein intake, so I went and made a protein powder + 1 cup unsweetened almond milk shake, drank that down, felt satisfied for the night, went back to watch my show.

A few minutes later, A goes into the kitchen, comes back with an orange and a bag of trail mix. Now, this trail mix is just nuts (though including cashews, very starchy) and raisins, no sugar/grains or any of that smack. But still, I am trying to LOSE FAT while gaining muscle right now, and I just don't need those extra carbycarbycarbcarbs in the nuts and fruit form, which I know keeps me from losing, personally. He starts snacking on this. I KNOW this is the wrong thing to do. I think, man, there must be something better to be eating if you are still hungry, some form of protein.

So what did I do? I started eating it too. I find myself reaching into the bag repeatedly. I eat probably more than a big handful, maybe even two. Less than an hour before I will be going to bed. When I am not really hungry. For pleasure while watching the show. Then I find myself crankily telling A that this food is no good for us, we should be snacking on something else.

No bueno.

I realize that without A around, I NEVER snack late at night any more. But if he starts doing it, I do too. Does this mean A is to blame? Absolutely NOT! I need to take full responsibility for my own eating habits. Should I be saying ANYTHING to A about his habits? NO! I owe that boy an apology.

But somehow, all of these years, I give myself permission to eat whatever he's eating, whenever he's eating it. This has not gotten me good results, in the past. Partly because he's The Viking, standing almost a foot taller than my already somewhat tall self, with his linebacker freaking build, shoulders for miles. He NEEDS to eat more than me. I should not be eating as much as him. He weighs more than 90 pounds more than me right now. Eating like him will likely put me back up there, too!

But even beyond this...if he does give in to bad habits, as we all do sometimes, why does that mean I should?  I don't know why I still do this. Sometimes I don't, but often I do. So, if every time he feels he needs some extra calories, or just doesn't have the willpower to resist late night snacking, and I follow suit, and THEN I have my own lapses of willpower on top of that, well, that's the path to failure.

It's funny, because I've been able to divorce myself from everyone else's food behaviors around me, except for A. People might be eating cake, but they may as well be eating rocks, as far as I'm concerned. But A and I have been on this journey together for years now, and living together for over 20. Somehow, this makes it different, though it should not.

We've been, by all accounts, wildly successful overall. You can see how we've both progressed on the picture bar to the right, and those pictures don't even show us at our smallest. It's been over two and a half years since we started losing the weight this time, and though neither of us look/feel exactly as we'd like, we are still ex-obese and growing more athletic, with MUCH more normal food habits. I'm really proud of us.

But I must admit, I think I'm still attached to the idea that it's only "fair" that if he has a snack, I get one too. Even if I'm not hungry! There is still a little lingering disordered thinking, here. And possibly some enmeshment....A is not me and I am not A. I need to neither judge nor match his eating habits. I need to be adamant about taking care of myself. How do you remember to ask yourself, "Is this right for me, right now?" I do so much of the time.

I finally weighed in. Not a totally happy weight, but not TOO out of control. I need to step up my game this next week. Walk MORE. With or without A around. Eat less carby and at the right times, no matter what or when he or anyone else is munching. I want to fit back into my skinny jeans without the muffin top for L.A., the place where I feel fat at my skinniest! I want to be able to rock my clubwear because my friends have gigantic club plans for us, apparently. Gothy clubs and L.A. type clubs! You know what I'm talking about. I need to feel sexilicious. We leave next Thursday!

Monkey see, monkey don't! Or, as I have been advised...monkey see, monkey sit back and calmly observe. No knee-jerk reacting!