I'm Siiiiiiingin' in the Rain...

(Image borrowed from Crazy For Cult art contest)

Fresh back from an amazing trip to L.A. We were hoping for escape from the unusual cold-snap here in Seattle as well as the usual perpetual drizzle, but the trickster God of Vacation Weather frowned upon us and it was unseasonably frigid the whole time we were there and rained for several days. Ah well. It WAS sunny on either end of our stay, if chilly. AND, I got to sit 10 feet away from Malcom McDowell as he did a 30 minute introduction and Q&A after a brand spanking new remastered print of "A Clockwork Orange", telling amazing stories about Kubrick and how the movie got made, then emerge from the theater into the pouring rain. If you know "A Clockwork Orange", you know how "Singing in the Rain" gets stuck in your head on a loop, and I was so high on the experience happy...I did a little song and dance routine along Hollywood Boulevard on the way back to my friends' apartment, complete with simulated cane smacks and kicking. I have adored McDowell since I was 18 and first saw that movie, and I felt the same after seeing him as I did after I got to see some of my other life-long idols, like David Bowie or Iggy Pop. He was so charming and humble and smart and sweet. That was one of myriad highlights of an amazing trip, and overall I had a wonderful time.

I am certain that I have put on weight. My clothes are really fitting poorly. Some of it was deliberate choices to enjoy myself. I went to sushi with different friends a few times, because they wanted to and I missed it. I drank beer instead of wine several times when out or with St. Patty's day dinner, Guiness and potatoes, to enjoy the moment. But some of it was stress or alcohol induced eating.

I am realizing that our trips to L.A. have been a bit stressful for a number of reasons, including trying to maximize time spent with several friends there, and staying with some of those friends in an admittedly chaotic atmosphere. I realized that I comfort eat to deal with that, meaning eating starchy comforting foods and/or overeating. It's funny, because there are now only a few situations in which I comfort eat - sleep deprivation and stressful travel situations. But NOT stressful situations when I am at home. It must have something to do with not having familiar surroundings to comfort me.

I also eat poorly if I've been drinking excessively, which tends to only happen on vacation, or to help soothe the hangover after. A and I have noticed that we drink too much with our L.A. friends, and we think it's an association thing, since neither we nor our friends tend to drink too much without one another around. There is something about going out and/or celebrating holidays that we have come to associate with one another. St. Patrick's day in the wonderful historic but alcoholic Hollywood dive bar, The Frolic Room, for instance, didn't help circumstances one bit. My friends and I all talked about this together and committed to trying to do better next time, since none of use feel good after we behave this way.

One wonderful, amazing positive change that I have noticed...my self-confidence is SO much better now. I used to feel very nervous and self-conscious as I walked the streets of L.A. I had always felt that there was so much emphasis on image and thin-ness there. But there has been a sea-change inside me between just the last time and this. This time, I felt self-assured, confident, open. I began to see a totally different side of L.A., one where people were incredibly friendly and diverse. So many times and places, people would just walk up to me and start chatting. I made friends and had a great time everywhere I went. There was so much more happening, culturally, than the shallow, soul-less glitz that I had experienced before. Even in Hollywood, where my friends live right on the crazy main strip, I was able to see and feel so much more than that, the soul beneath the hype of it all. I know the change is in me.

This change is surely the cause of the new magnetism I feel with other people. On St. Patty's day at the Frolic Room, the life of the party cute guy in a jaunty hat and leather jacket became fascinated with me. With all these really cute young girls around! He just kind of honed in on me. Between his silly dancing antics, he was sweetly attentive and inquisitive, charming, well-spoken and informed. At the end of the night, he even asked me on a date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was amazing to me! He wasn't creepy or just aiming for sex. He wanted to get to know me. He was so intriguing. I really liked him.  I explained my situation with A, and he STILL urged me to see him. But no time for love, Dr. Jones. I was only there for a little time longer. In any case, so flattering! I must be beaming positive, happy, confident, sexy energy into the universe.

So here I am, happy, busy, in need of recovery from sleep deprivation and drinking too much, a few pounds heavier, trying to sort it all out. I spoke with my counselor some about the stress, and we figured out what had happened with the friends that had been stressful, what I had done right and what I could do better next time. I am definitely becoming more assertive and less concerned with other people's judgement/anger, we concluded, which is really good, for me. That has always been a problem of mine, historically. The work I've done over last three years have made a giant difference, and I am really reaping the benefits, physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is more work to do, but there is always more work to do. I feel no shame or guilt about the mistakes or choices I made. I am confident that I will keep moving in the right direction.

I am moving forward with Occam's protocol, (heavy weightlifting / lots of protein / minimal cardio to stimulate massive muscle growth) even though part of me wants to steer off into fat-loss mode, as I now am feeling kind of fat, for me. I do feel I should finish the 6 week commitment and get to where I can lift my bodyweight with my legs and get closer to where I can do a pull-up with my arms before I put that aside for a while. So close to my goals with this.

It's been so long since I've been able to write! I have yet to catch up with people's blogs, can't wait to see how everyone is doing. It will have to wait, maybe for another day or so, as I need to catch up on work, but I felt I couldn't put off writing any longer. I missed that outlet!

So for now, I feel good; happy, despite things not being perfect. So what if I'm a little heavier than I'd like? So what if I am not perfect at dealing with stress or conflict or communication issues or eating? Life is very good, overall. I can see and point to real progress in many realms. I have learned to relax and enjoy my surroundings so much more. Just like the song says, I'm singing and dancing in the rain....

My Milkshake...

(Image blatantly stolen from The Shaving Grape. Go read his funness.)

I have my own version of a little black dress. It is magical, because I bought it when I was significantly heavier than I am, probably 15 pounds or so, and have worn it at my lowest weight, 10+ below where I am now, and it fits like a dream no matter what. It's a shirt dress with 3/4 sleeves and buttons all the way down the front, but it has a dozen or so rows of cute little square mini pleats, hard to explain, but super artsy and cute, from the waist down. There is a thick elastic belt with a leopard-pattern fabric front and buckle around the waist, placed perfectly. It comes to about mid-thigh on me.

It is one of the only dresses I have ever had that makes me feel like I'm NOT in drag, probably because of the men's shirt styling up top. It makes me look and feel svelte and sexy. It covers the loose skin on my arms, fits really nicely across the chest, shows off my hourglass figure, my relatively thin upper body, my new waistline, and forgives the all the sins below. Every person who wears dresses ever should be blessed with a dress like this.

I used to insist on wearing a black pencil skirt beneath and the front buttons at the bottom unbuttoned, because a) that makes it look a little more artsy but mostly b) I was so insecure about my legs. But my last round of weight loss made a significant difference in my legs, from mid-thigh down, fortunately for me. I am shocked at how tiny and cute they appear, from mid-thigh down, at least. I haven't even posted a pic of myself on this blog since that round, because I just haven't found one I loved. But I am happy about this.

The other night we had a First Thursday event for a friend in Pioneer Square and then another friend's birthday party at a popular Capitol Hill club where each of the three different floors are totally geared towards a different crowd, from House to Goth-y to hipster, making it a weirdly eclectic place to visit. I paired that dress with a really cool spiral steel necklace on a black suede lace around my neck, a chunky steel link bracelet, shiny gunmetal stockings and black tall boots with a hint of light tan fur lining that matches the lightest color of the leopard skin belt. I felt all Va-Va-Voom. And I DID NOT, for the very first time ever, wear a skirt underneath. I left those legs out there, for all to see.

All I gotta say is, I never lacked for company all freaking night. Random dudes struck up conversations with me, at both events, on every floor of that club, too. An acquaintance went openly gaga over me, which really raised eyebrows around our table. A different guy, super-cute newly-divorced weightlifting martial arts dude talked to me for hours. I'm not saying I was necessarily being hit on (well, except for the one acquaintance dude, who actually used a PICKUP LINE on me. Har.) But I am not used to people I don't know or know well, kind of pursuing me around the club for attention. Don't worry, I made time for my friends. But I get the feeling that I must be doing something right, if you know what I mean.

This helped me realize that even if I HAVE gained a little fat, maybe the weightlifting this is giving me some excellent other benefits. Maybe I look more athletic, or am exuding a new confidence. It just made me feel good to get that attention, though I know it's much more important that I value myself, from the inside out.

On another milkshake topic, I am struggling with the protein powder thing. I have been gaining  fat along with my muscle, and am trying to fine-tune the diet to figure out why. Subbing beans out for some of the fattier protein so far isn't helping. In fact, I think my weight gain has accelerated. Beans get two more days, and then out they go, unless my weight suddenly plunges. But I'm also worried it's the protein powder.

I haven't been feeling so hot, and in fact have had a lot more inflammatory issues going on. A is also gaining weight and not feeling so hot, either. I read a LOT of information about the controversies involving protein powder manufacturing. Mostly that unless done extremely carefully and more importantly, expensively, the protein becomes de-natured and can cause excito-toxin issues, which do cause inflammatory symptoms in me. Poop! I want to do the right thing, and I am so at sea here. I have immediately cut the protein powder, but I need lean protein, and the lean protein options I have are shrinking quickly. The protein powder/almond milkshakes are out. :( We are gonna most likely going to cut the beans, will cut a lot of fat coming up, and are going to stop drinking for a few weeks (after tonight's prescheduled bowling and fried chicken date with friends) to see if that helps at all. Wish us luck!

I Am On Your Side

So, since transitioning from morbid obesity to a relatively normal weight, I've noticed people making a LOT of assumptions about me that are different than the ones they used to make. One of those assumptions is that I am now fat-prejudiced. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I realize that I sometimes talk about how fat I feel from eating certain things, or re-gaining some fat. I don't ever also say this means I am a bad person, or less of a person, or imply that this is the worst thing ever. I do imply that it's not my aim, because my aim is to change my body composition to include less fat, at this point. It's my current choice. I feel better, and it's what I want, at this time, for myself. But not anyone else, unless that's also what they want/need for health's sake and happiness.

So complex.

I do not judge. I was obese since early childhood. I totally know how it feels to be judged, put down, hurt again and again over my weight. I know this. Anybody who thought making fun of me was helping was wrong. This caused me massive pain, depression, withdrawal, life-long self-esteem issues. That is not the way to help. In fact, it's just none of your business. Not attracted to fat people? Pay attention to the people you are attracted to and leave people alone. Bullies only do so to make themselves feel better.

I find myself attracted to people of many weights/sizes, in fact. There was a girl I talked to this week, who I've met a couple times before. She is a comedian, and she is awesome. She is much younger than me and dresses like I sometimes do/often used to when younger. I am NOT trying to hit on her, but I do think she is cute. She and others assumed I have never been particularly heavy. She is down on herself because of her weight. She also talked sneeringly about people with "skinny person problems", like having to jump up and down to stay warm while hanging outside with the smokers in the cold, as I was. I am not all that skinny, but my metabolism has always been pretty bad, and losing weight has made me get cold very easily.

I told her that she was totally cute as she is, which she truly is. I also told her my story, and some of the issues I have that are a trade-off. We had a really good talk, and parted friends. I can't stand the idea that people think I'm like that, and because I want her to feel good about herself, whatever she weighs. We talked about finding a happy weight, and about feeling good no matter what you weigh, because it's just not that important. I'm trying really hard for that now.

It's hard to tease all this out. If it's "not that important", why did I go through all this work and discipline? Why am I trying now? I guess you decide what's important to you, when. BUT, in the grand scheme of the universe and the value of your very life, your own soul...is your body weight the important thing? Is it really?

If you feel like the weight is standing in between you and what you want, then you can make it a goal to get rid of it. If you don't, and you're happy, then that is your choice. Either way, you're still you. It doesn't mean you're a bad human being, either way.

I've been watching the series "My 600 lb. Life." They followed several 600 + lb. patients after weight loss surgery for 7 years, and documented the results. These shows are really well-made, and touching. I've gotten A hooked on the show, too. They make us cry. I am cheering for them the whole way. I do identify with many of their issues, even though I have never been that big. It's awesome to see what happens in the long term. Often they struggle down, sometimes to "normal" BMI weights, often not, then rebound up again, but usually catch it before they go too far back up to function as normally as they wish to. They find that happy weight, and their lives are transformed because they can now do the things that the weight stood in the way of. I think that's the key, for me or anyone else.

So if you want to lose fat, I am cheering you on. If you don't, I am celebrating you as you are. I do think you can be fat and fabulous, because I know many fat, fabulous people. I think you can be skinny and a wretched human being too. OR, skinny and fabulous and wonderful! The weight doesn't matter, in this regard. I don't want this to come across pollyanna, I know the issues are complex, but I also want to say...just because I want to/don't want to change my body is no reflection on yours. As long as you are not seeking to harm, I am on your side.

Planked!

Got busy, but weekend went differently than I had previously imagined.

Occam's Protocol, Workout B number two...Crushed! Another 10% strength gain for both lifts for both of us. Woohoo! I did 1.5 reps and 2.5 reps past failure on my two lifts, again, just about perfect. I am lifting the right amount. We added planks to our ab routine this time! They are tough and I LOVE them. Fun! Weird! I felt like a superhero or something. My whole body shook with effort, but I could do it - 30 seconds each time, front and both sides. Happy times! Brand new muscles accessed, for sure. The leg press, man I tell you. I can see new definition in my calves, I swear it!

Our friend talked us into going to a comedy show , The Humor Program at The Naked City brewpub in Greenwood, rather than sushi post workout as we had planned. The comedy shorts that were part of this show were really excellent, and the show was fun. We had a great time with our buddies. As for food...this was carby cheat day, so...we did! Legitimately. But it was JUST post massive leg-press weight-lifting-to-failure workout. And everyone at the table ordered fries. And I was so hungry. So very hungry. Ate toooooo many fries. Had a great brisket sandwich, baby greens salad, aaaaaand three beers.

Ok, I was supposed to eat carbs and many more calories than usual. So it's not like I was off plan. But we felt really really yucky the next day. Not used to eating like that. At all. And I am still bloated and feel...fat.

However, we eventually pulled our shiznit together and went for a hike on Sunday. A baby-hike, but a hike nonetheless. Wallace Falls State Park, with a series of amazing waterfalls cascading down beautiful craggy and rounded snow-capped mountains. It was, however one of the coldest days here in a while, and it was snowing on us. Oh well! We decided, because of our late start and sore thighs to go up as far as was prudent. We made it up to the middle falls, 4.2 miles round trip, about 800 lil baby feet in elevation. And my hips and knees still hurt on the way back down. Mind you, last summer we were doing almost three times that elevation gain. I am looking forward to hiking without having just crushed my lower half on the press the night before. That's the plan, moving forward. It was so peaceful, though, and beautiful. The trees were covered with a spring green moss that glowed in the sunlight. The river wove back and forth under bridges that the trail crossed over. The snow dusted mountains above framed every view.

In any case, proud of us for getting out there and starting our conditioning hikes, for sticking to the lifting plan, and for being flexible enough to change our plans to include friends and some decent entertainment/art.

I am still struggling with how much/what to eat. In the meantime, eating a lot to get all 150 grams of protein in a day for muscle growth. I think it's working, but yeah...I'm seeing fat gain too. Tomorrow I get to go grocery shopping. I am going to pick up....drum roll please...BEANS! They have been historically problematic for me. But I want to give it another shot, to more closely adhere to the Slow Carb diet. I haven't made it all the way there yet. I should probably cut all fruit, nuts, cheese except cheat day. Eat veggies instead, and lower fat meats. Or not care about the fat gain. Guess I'll keep see-sawing in my attitude until I make up my mind. :)

But overall, I'm happy to be where I am right now. Happy with where I'm heading. I know I'll figure it out. I can't have gotten all the way here without continuing on.

Anger Issues

I'm really struggling mentally and emotionally today. I haven't been able to concentrate on work or running the errands I need to. My motivation has shrunk to nil.

Coming up against a lot of anger, irritability, lashing out, and constant defensiveness on different fronts in my life, offline and surprisingly online (though online has not been directed at me). Being around that takes its toll. It's bugging me a lot. I think these people need to change/take their medications/supplements/get some goddamned counseling.

Anger can be a constructive and necessary emotion, but not if that's your constant default response to the world. That is not helpful. It guarantees that you will just be unhappy all the time. It also guarantees that you will be abrasive to those around you, eventually even those closest to you will instinctually begin to draw away.

I am trying really hard to reset my emotional state this morning/afternoon. The sun is shining outside, rare in these parts, everything is going pretty okay (hiccups will always happen, but they are not the end of the world.)  The problems I have mirror the problems I see the angry people around me having. The difference is how we are dealing with these stresses. I do experience quick flares of anger/frustration about some of these things, but I don't find it worth clinging to my anger about. Actual examples of problems/daily life situations they are having that I am also facing and how we deal with things:

I could choose to let a stupid (though upsetting) bureaucratic mishap get me down, constantly ranting about how the world is out to get me, or I can choosing to experience my initial anger at the unfairness of it, then calm the fuck down and deal with it in a practical manner.

I could choose to get angry every time someone disagreed with me and told me that something I am proposing we do together is not the best course of action, feel persecuted or jumped on, no matter how non-critical the wording, or I could choose to absorb the information, thank them for their opinion and decide with or without them what my own actual decisions will be. If I must decide on doing something together with someone, I could also take into consideration that both people must be on board, not just me.

I could choose to get pissed off at every person who makes some driving decision that doesn't allow me to flow at maximum speed through traffic, or I could just realize that people will always behave like that, that they don't drive like I do, that it might not even be wise to drive like I do, that choosing to react like that will just result in a state of constant rage and irritation of those around me, and instead relax and enjoy the journey, talking to the person with me or being happy about the cool stuff I get to see along the way, or spend the extra time thinking something constructive over or daydreaming.

Often this anger seems to be the manifestation of an extremely judgmental attitude. Which is funny, since one of these people in particular condemns someone else we know for their extremely judgmental attitude. If you feel that you know better than everyone else all the time, it can easily come out as condescension and constant righteous anger. I see this in this person a lot. It gets directed at me more often than I'd like. If there is a disagreement, anger is the result.

The last couple days I feel like they don't even really like me. That when we're together, they tune out in any way possible, and when they listen to what I am saying, they are just barely tolerating me, and react with great irritation to almost everything I say or do. I think I need to make myself scarce for a while. Spend time with some non-constantly-angry people. Start setting limits, even though it's hard considering the closeness involved. It will be healthier for me to, instead of trying to fix this person or this situation, as is my impulse, show that I am capable of finding my own ways to spend my time, be my own person, and appreciate/be appreciated by other people.

I have tried so many ways to help, and now I can see that is part of the problem, because it's not healthy to try to fix people. It's sad though...unless they become self-aware enough to realize that they are pushing me away, they are going to lose me. They probably will think it's my fault, too. But that is not my concern. My only concern is that I need to stop putting myself in harm's way. Why would I choose to be around this?

Taking a deep breath. Trying not to catastrophize about this. Perhaps they will see the limit setting and take a look at themselves and their own behavior. Perhaps this is a temporary flare, and we can go back to enjoying our time together. But what I don't need to do is let someone else's bad moods dictate my own. I can enjoy this day and not let it be ruined by somebody else's actions.

Lastly, I am aware that this whole post may sound judgmental and self-righteous. It may be, and if so, I apologize. BUT...I am not angry, full of hate and rage. I am trying to figure out what I can do to improve my relationships, feel better, and take care of myself. I used to think that would mean placating the angry people, or counseling them, or trying to figure out how to help them feel less angry. Now I can see that maybe I need to set limits with people who are behaving badly and spend more of my time around people who are more healthy in their emotional regulation, instead. If that's judgmental, then I don't know where to begin to become healthier.

Awesome (Queer) Ode to Emotional Eating...

I assume this post may scare some of you away, for good.  I hope not, because I will always continue to read and support your blogs despite your beliefs and lifestyles that are so very different from mine. I do need to honor the parts of me that are different, and that this video has inspired some serious feelings regarding my own journey to a normal relationship with food and my body.

Part of the reason I went with "The Angry Inch..." as a blog title is because I am queer, though partnered with an (also queer) man, and part of a lovely and vibrant artistic community full of queer and queer-friendly people. "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" is one of my favorite movies of all time, an amazing musical about a transgendered rock star. So fair warning, this video and article and blog entry are going to offend you if you have issues with this. But you'll also be missing out on a funny and thoughtful piece piece of art about something that I think is something rather universal, in the end.

I came across this little gem recently, and it's where my weight-loss/body image world meets the other parts of my life. Rocco is a trans-man, and he and his friends, including Margaret Cho, made a fantastic, hilarious and extremely queer song/video about emotional eating.:



It was originally posted as part of this article about Valentine's day and emotional eating:

Rocco Katastrophe: Eat Everything

The article and the video both stir up a lot of feelings in me. One thing that keeps emerging for me is that it makes me NOT want to eat mindlessly ever again. The way the food is being treated in the video, the bingeing and grossness of it all reminds me of how I feel when I do act like that anymore. It also reminds me of how much more I love myself now because I am taking care of myself the way I deserve. This has NOTHING to do with being fat, thin, or anywhere in between. It is all about feeling my feelings, knowing whether I'm actually hungry or bored or trying to make myself feel better. I'm not saying I don't occasionally eat from boredom or emotional need, but I know now that I'm CHOOSING to do so instead of doing it mindlessly. It's getting easier all the time. So great to be healing in so many ways at once.

I am feeling a figurative lightness at this point. So unchained from what now seems like such slavery. Feeling like I needed to eat all the time. Feeling so trapped and unsexy. Instead, eating is something I get to do to be healthy and happy and sometimes for fun. I feel sexy, happy and so much more open to people. I am not done; I haven't got it all figured out by any means. But overall, life is very good.

Lastly, I'm really really happy and proud that my state (and several others, hurray!) has legalized gay marriage. So my queer friends and family don't have to eat their feelings, they can express them and live together as officially recognized families with their basic human rights intact like we all have deserved to all along.

Quickie, Quickie, No Longer Sickie

Feeling so much better today. The drama-free zone has worked wonders. Ignored another possible family drama-filled missive (until tomorrow - I think I can handle it then just fine.)  Just a chill weekend spent with friends and taking care of home and work.

Yesterday, I worked a little, then went to my friend's art show yesterday, ate cheese, drank wine, never touched cracker one! A triumph. Also went to nibbly dinner with a few friends after, again, they had NO carb-free options, but we made it work, just ate cheese and veggies and some roast beef and more wine. We are the champions!

Am still getting high off the compliments, as I am currently the skinniest that most of my friends have seen me. People calling me sexy and hot makes me squeal. Are you freaking kidding me? I hardly can even hear that. Someday that will end. Perhaps when I stop being a stranger and everyone gets used to (tired of) my ass being around all the time again. :)

That's the plan, too. I will never shut myself off from humanity, never severely limit my life in the name of weight loss again. I don't think I will have to. I am forever grateful to what I've obtained through the extreme self-control, sacrifice, and medical gift that I was given, but I can see a better way for me now that I've achieved this level of health and incredible lightness (for me.)

I had to work ALL DAY today to make up for being sick, but that's okay. I am giddy with excitement of the return of normalcy. Leaving behind the sadness/depression of the last week's family madness, and the resulting illness. Setting my new fitness/diet plans in motion. Especially lifting heavy things to build up arms and other body parts worthy of fighting off Terminators. (As you do.) Having a concrete plan for seeing friends EVERY week, at least TWICE a week. Low carbing during the week, one day a week carby refeed to upregulate the ol' metabolism. Tricksy science! I love it! Just getting as happy and healthy and kick-ass as possible.

My eating has been very very light today. I am glad about that, because I felt I was eating a lot before, although I've been steadily losing the weight I bounced up to after the Midwest fiasco-I-mean trip all week. (Some of it was probably water, but obviously not all, since the high water mark of my girth has been receding rather slowly.) Glad of it, anyways, I feel in control and just really, dare I say it...normal! Hurray!