I Am On Your Side

So, since transitioning from morbid obesity to a relatively normal weight, I've noticed people making a LOT of assumptions about me that are different than the ones they used to make. One of those assumptions is that I am now fat-prejudiced. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I realize that I sometimes talk about how fat I feel from eating certain things, or re-gaining some fat. I don't ever also say this means I am a bad person, or less of a person, or imply that this is the worst thing ever. I do imply that it's not my aim, because my aim is to change my body composition to include less fat, at this point. It's my current choice. I feel better, and it's what I want, at this time, for myself. But not anyone else, unless that's also what they want/need for health's sake and happiness.

So complex.

I do not judge. I was obese since early childhood. I totally know how it feels to be judged, put down, hurt again and again over my weight. I know this. Anybody who thought making fun of me was helping was wrong. This caused me massive pain, depression, withdrawal, life-long self-esteem issues. That is not the way to help. In fact, it's just none of your business. Not attracted to fat people? Pay attention to the people you are attracted to and leave people alone. Bullies only do so to make themselves feel better.

I find myself attracted to people of many weights/sizes, in fact. There was a girl I talked to this week, who I've met a couple times before. She is a comedian, and she is awesome. She is much younger than me and dresses like I sometimes do/often used to when younger. I am NOT trying to hit on her, but I do think she is cute. She and others assumed I have never been particularly heavy. She is down on herself because of her weight. She also talked sneeringly about people with "skinny person problems", like having to jump up and down to stay warm while hanging outside with the smokers in the cold, as I was. I am not all that skinny, but my metabolism has always been pretty bad, and losing weight has made me get cold very easily.

I told her that she was totally cute as she is, which she truly is. I also told her my story, and some of the issues I have that are a trade-off. We had a really good talk, and parted friends. I can't stand the idea that people think I'm like that, and because I want her to feel good about herself, whatever she weighs. We talked about finding a happy weight, and about feeling good no matter what you weigh, because it's just not that important. I'm trying really hard for that now.

It's hard to tease all this out. If it's "not that important", why did I go through all this work and discipline? Why am I trying now? I guess you decide what's important to you, when. BUT, in the grand scheme of the universe and the value of your very life, your own soul...is your body weight the important thing? Is it really?

If you feel like the weight is standing in between you and what you want, then you can make it a goal to get rid of it. If you don't, and you're happy, then that is your choice. Either way, you're still you. It doesn't mean you're a bad human being, either way.

I've been watching the series "My 600 lb. Life." They followed several 600 + lb. patients after weight loss surgery for 7 years, and documented the results. These shows are really well-made, and touching. I've gotten A hooked on the show, too. They make us cry. I am cheering for them the whole way. I do identify with many of their issues, even though I have never been that big. It's awesome to see what happens in the long term. Often they struggle down, sometimes to "normal" BMI weights, often not, then rebound up again, but usually catch it before they go too far back up to function as normally as they wish to. They find that happy weight, and their lives are transformed because they can now do the things that the weight stood in the way of. I think that's the key, for me or anyone else.

So if you want to lose fat, I am cheering you on. If you don't, I am celebrating you as you are. I do think you can be fat and fabulous, because I know many fat, fabulous people. I think you can be skinny and a wretched human being too. OR, skinny and fabulous and wonderful! The weight doesn't matter, in this regard. I don't want this to come across pollyanna, I know the issues are complex, but I also want to say...just because I want to/don't want to change my body is no reflection on yours. As long as you are not seeking to harm, I am on your side.

Occam's Protocol

One of my dearest friends bought us a copy of The Four Hour Body, by professional madman, Tim Ferriss. The book is huge, funny and chock full of intriguing life-hacking tips about creating a better physical reality for yourself, everything from losing fat and gaining muscle to better quality sleep and sex. Totally worth owning and experimenting with.

Knowing that my dependancy on HCG is permanently over, I've eagerly seized upon many of Ferriss' recommendations as a path to maintenance and further improvement. I know that if I don't start adopting a new regimen, the future will be a long slow slip back into old habits and my old body. Experience has taught me so.

I've been toying with what techniques to try first. In all actuality, I'd probably do best to try what Ferriss calls the Kiwi's butt-building workout, lol. In all seriousness, this workout regimen that centers around the kettlebell and other functional fitness movements involving free weights and plyometrics (such as the Turkish Get Up - awesome name, right?) is probably the best for me. However, just glancing over what this workout entails, I know that I would be uncomfortable and probably most foolish to try it without the benefit of a personal trainer to show me correct form and approach to these movements without say, ripping arms out of sockets or planting a kettleball in someone's face. But we are so very very broke. Thank you, emergency mid-West trip and drunken Valentymes day shenanigans. Also, and this is sad, my gym appears to NOT stock kettleballs. How can that be, in this elite fitness day and age?

Since I've already paid for this month, and I decided to try something different for at least the next six weeks. I settled on what Ferriss terms "Occam's Protocol." The theory behind this training, like much of Ferriss' book, is maximum results for minimal effort. Efficiency in training. This one in particular focuses on massive muscle gain in a very short time through two half hour sessions a week. That's right, my darlings. Better than any comic book back page ad promise you've ever read!

The secret? Two sessions, spaced several days apart and progressively further as you gain, two different lifts for each session, done to extreme failure. Plus an optional short abs/kettlebell session (IF you have one of those snooty fancy gyms that have them. Apparently. Sheesh!) Plus eating 1.25 grams of protein per lean body mass weight per day.

Just did the first session yesterday. It takes a while  to calibrate your failure weights the first two different workout sessions, so it took longer than the half hour. But I did that for both upper body exercises. Felt like nothing, though I had noodle arms for the rest of the night. Today? I feel my entire upper body beginning to lock up like a seized engine. Oh My God Soreness! I plan to slather on the Arnica gel (the real stuff, not the Homeopathic, you have to search like crazy to find it) like I'm putting out a fire in a minute. Note to self: Do It The Night Before! Though to be honest, soreness has never really bugged me or stood in my way. I really do think I'm gonna like this.

Here's the thing. It's meant to put on MASSIVE amounts of muscle. Up to 2.5 pounds a week! It isn't meant for weight loss. Do I have weight to lose? Totally. Do I care? Hmmmm...

I decided, after looking at many pictures of people my height/weight that those people look far, far more in shape than I, after reducing from Morbidly Obese to JUST barely HWP according to the BMI charts. They don't appear to have my spare tires and bra hanger fat and overall Jellyness. I think I do in fact fall into the "Skinnyfat" category.

In case you've never heard of it, it's definitely a thing. It means that your body composition is still fat for your height, though you weigh what is considered normal. In other words, you are lacking in lean muscle mass and making up for it in fat. I must have lost too much lean muscle mass along the way. With clothes on, people go on and on about how trim I appear to be. Even the owner of the gym, who I have not seen since I lost the last 25 pounds or so, had a shitfit about how skinny I look now. If they saw what I see every day when I am getting dressed, I am sure this would not be so. I am now somewhat compact, but lack most tone and have quite a fatty layer on top. Naked, without Spanx-like garments, I look, as one blogger put it, like a melted snowman - the same shape as before, just much much smaller.

The dieting process has become less and less effective for me. Exponentially so. As it does. Diminishing returns, no matter how strict my living, or educated my eating. Plus, if I keep whittling away, I can pretty much just expect to keep losing fat and muscle together. Getting skinny-fat, but eventually just skinny. That is NOT what I want. Plus, so very tired of deprivation. I want to LIVE. Eat. Move. Enjoy.

So, tired of the diet diet diet phase of living, I have decided instead to build muscle like crazy, in hopes of toning up, then thinning out. Ferriss' prescription should help keep it mostly muscle gain, but I will probably put a little fat on. We'll see. However, the more muscle you put on, the better your metabolism functions. I have read many arguments about this, but I keep seeing better and better studies supporting that building muscles really does support more efficient calorie-burning metabolisms. I will need to track those down and support my assertions, but right now, I am lazily ditching work to write this, so it will have to be later. Suffice to say, I've convinced enough to try, for six weeks at least.

After that, we should hopefully be able to afford personal training and possibly switch gyms to responsible kettlebell-owning establishments. Which makes me sad, because I love my gym, and the owner/manager/whatever he is who is so sweet and makes me feel skinny. I can't use them at home, because I won't go out in the constant grey downpour that is my home to use it, and inside the ceilings are so low to as to be troublesome for my 6'6" fella not to constantly whack a hand on it when carelessly gesticulating. Even I do, sometimes.

So, here's to the first great experiment of how to live without HCG 101. Wish me luck!

Kick-Ass Mofo in 3...2...1..

Turning the corner on being sick. Finally some energy, and only a little sneezing.

Family drama continues. Email from a relative full-on defending the neglect of my little 3rd cousin. Phone argument with another relative about their "scorched earth policy"/abusive rage whenever they get angry or upset. Very hard conversations, indeed. I stood my ground while being as compassionate and diplomatic as possible. I don't want to contribute to drama, but I'm not putting up with abuse, either, which is defacto endorsement of continued drama.

But I am stepping back, letting go. The next two days, I have declared my house a drama-free zone. No email or phone calls will be honored, except an absolute emergency. Just dedicated to working/recovery from illness and stress.

Weigh-in this morning, am up 4 pounds from before the extremely stressful family trip to the Midwest. Hmmm. :/

Deciding not to freak out, though. Just up my physical activity. Continue to eat as Primal as possible. Take my supplements. See where this gets me over the next few weeks. Really looking forward to lifting again. It always gives me good results. My biceps are deflating, they used to blow my friends and family away. I had some serious Sarah Conner guns going on. This will not do!

This morning we decided to have some coconut flour pancakes, with eggs, coconut milk, strawberries, a little honey/xylitol to sweeten. They were really good, but I think I need to eat sausage along with, for more protein. And some veggies of some sort. I'll get it down. I'm doing so already.

Watched Kill Bill 1 again last night. Uma Thurman inspires me. I want to be able to kick some ass, too. Also in love with Lucy Liu, she made me wish I had freckles! And Vivica Fox, my god, what a body. I don't need to be uber-skinny, but I do want to be muscled and agile like them. Phase 1 - escape from obesity (to borrow a phrase from one of my favorite bloggers) is ovah! Phase 2 - become a kick-ass mofo, commencing!

The Journey So Far

Hello blogosphere.  I've blogged a little on this subject so far, but decided that a reboot was in order, keeping my weight loss and other aspects of my life in separate places.  So here I am, and I'd like to talk about the journey so far.

My highest recorded weight was 295, over 2 years ago now, though I may have been near that or even exceeded it several times during the last few decades as I've yo-yo'd up and down the scale.  I have been overweight or obese since I was a toddler.  In my case, I believe it has been a combination of lots of things.  I have a genetic condition called Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia causing endocrine system imbalances leading to auto-immune problems, digestive problems, muscle and joint problems, and more, and I think that's the biggest issue.  I also grew up on southern cooking/heavily processed low nutrition foods and was punished for not cleaning my plate.  Additionally, I suffered severe childhood abuse of several varieties which lead to emotional eating and other bad food consumption practices, which was definitely a big factor.  Don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for where I'm at now and know that it's up to me to make the necessary changes to lose weight.  It has taken decades of being on my own as an adult to puzzle all this out and find my way back to the highest levels of health that I can achieve, but the cool thing is, I'm doing it.

I've lost over 100 pounds so far!  It's been an amazing transformation of mind, body and spirit.  My whole life is changing for the better, and I couldn't be happier.  Like most change, this one started with crisis.  I think I've learned that crisis is the thing that spurs most of us into action.  Consequently, I have been learning to view problems in an entirely different light.  It may sound cliche, but over and over again, coping with crisis has forced me onto higher ground.

Over the years I've strived to find answers to my health problems and emotional issues.  Addiction of loved ones, my own addictions, relationship problems, severe depression, and health issues including severe pharmaceutical poisoning and early symptoms of MS all converged for me two years ago, and I hit bottom.  Just to survive I began getting counseling for my depression, social anxiety, self-esteem issues and free myself from codependancy.  Though not an alcoholic by any means, I still cut my drinking down significantly, began eating less and getting more exercise, started  a more intensive qigong practice and found a naturopath who really knew how to help me.  She put me on rounds of the HCG diet, and in combination supplements and my other healthy practices, the MS symptoms went away and have not returned for over a year now.  And I've lost enough weight to officially move out of being classified as "obese."

In fact, I went from "morbidly obese" to "obese" to "overweight" in less than a year.  According to the BMI chart, at 5'8", I should be 164 pounds or under to qualify as "normal".  I am currently 27 pounds above that weight, but I'm betting, based on how my body looks and feels, that I could really stand to lose at least another 40 pounds to feel and look right.  At the moment I'm maintaining my current weight and focusing on getting exercise and sunshine to boost my health and prevent any further development of the MS.  I've quit my job to get away from pollution and emotional toxicity, and am going to spend the summer hiking, open water swimming and weight lifting.

I will start a new round of the HCG diet, possibly late July but I may wait until fall, depending on how I feel in the next few weeks.  If you're familiar with the HCG diet, you know that it is restrictive and challenging, and after four rounds with the required maintenance periods in between, I'm finding that I kind of want a little more time off to enjoy going out with friends and family.  Since I'm maintaining my weight well, I'm not too worried about when I get back on the train again, so to speak, but on the other hand, I'm eager for normality too.

Why the HCG diet?  I know many in the weight loss blogosphere are against the concept of diet, and for lifestyle change instead, and I respect that.  It works for them.  Our bodies are all different.  Calorie counting and exercise alone does not seem to work very well for me.  I can restrict my daily calories to 1500 and lose no weight, even if I work out.  My current health issues seem to make it extremely difficult to up my metabolism and lose weight.  Low carb IS helpful for me, and I tend to lose and/or maintain if I keep the amount of carbs that I consume to a very small proportion of my daily intake.  The HCG protocol certainly adheres to low carb principles, but it's the mechanism of the hormone that actually causes me to be able to let go of excess fat and have it stay off.  It's been extremely successful for me so far, but I realize that time will tell.  And the HCG seems to be what finally stopped the tremors, twitches and restored my coordination (I had fallen 4 times in a month!).  (Mind you, I had only the beginning symptoms, not an official diagnosis with spinal tap and all, and it was caught EARLY.  I do not think that it will help people with advanced MS cases or people with lots of damage already done to their nervous systems.  Your mileage may vary!)  So I know that this protocol helps me with all of my health conditions and to lose weight, without causing me any other health issues.

My partner in crime for 19+, "A", has accompanied me on this journey.  He's also lost over 100 pounds using the HCG protocol, stuck with me through thick and thin, and I'm extremely proud of him.  Together we continue down this road towards health and freedom and a better life.