I started to write this yesterday, but it got too late to finish it. Thanks for all the well-wishes, I'm finally feeling mostly better today.
I've spent a few days really thinking about internalized size-ism. Ever since I started the work of posting my pictures, I've dwelt on the waves of emotion that have risen up to the surface as I gazed upon them, each provoking an individual response. At first I could hardly look at the old pictures. I did feel a sense of disbelief at the denial I had been immersed in. I really never did see myself as THAT fat. I always knew I was big, but I didn't realize how big. I think that when we look into mirrors there can be a million tricks we play to find the "me" that we want to believe exists there. I still find myself doing this, angling my face and body to see a more defined jaw, a thinner midsection, sucking in my cheeks to find the bones buried beneath.
Pictures are frozen moments in time; you can't control the image being reflected back at you. You are forced to face a much more objective version of yourself, freed from the normal filters that your defenses throw in front of your vision. Normally, when I looked at pictures of myself, my response was to wince, look away. As a result I almost never looked at those pictures for more than a second or two. This time was different. This time I had to choose pictures to post, and to do this I had to carefully contemplate what each photograph was displaying, finding the ones that showed what I really looked like each step of the way that I was willing to share.
At first I found it extremely painful. I felt embarrassed, shocked, and disgusted when I realized how truly obese I appeared in the pictures. I found it hard not to be judgmental about each and every one down to the latest set. I focused on the flaws. I agonized over the choices, but I made them. I cropped and brightened, posted them to my blog, made up captions, reviewed and revised endlessly, swapping them out to better tell the story. A few days passed during this process. I read other people's blogs while I continued to work on my own, read about their own issues with self-image, and had revelations about how my feelings were evolving as I commented on theirs. As I scrolled up and down my little filmstrip, something began to happen. I realized that I had been judging myself in a way that I would never level at another. Never. My own dear friends are of all shapes and sizes, from the largest to the skinniest, I love them without prejudice and don't ever even consider what they weigh, only the loveliness that comes from the whole of who they are. Why am I so hard on myself?
There was so much internalized size-ism bubbling up from within. I remembered all the reasons why. My parents, peers and other adults were ruthless, tearing me down for my appearance at every opportunity. Add that to the prevailing social attitudes I grew up with where you are thin or you are worthless. I took it as a child, never able to stand up for myself. I swallowed it and felt shame, though at least part of me felt it was wrong. I secretly vowed as a child to never judge others by their looks, but it's been a constant struggle to overcome my own feelings of self-loathing, instilled by others. I was made to feel ashamed, guilty, unacceptable. I realized that's why I couldn't look at those pictures without it being so painful. It's very complicated, this seems overly simplified...it's like internalized racism or any other prejudice. If you're surrounded by it, it poisons you, even if you reject it on an overt level. My favorite performance artist, Guillermo Gomez Pena helped me see this, that every single one of us walks around with internalized shame and prejudice. In order to deal with internalized prejudice, you must bring it out into the light, examine it, share it, exorcise it. Putting up these pictures and talking about here now means that to me.
Repeatedly seeing the pictures began to desensitize me...I no longer flinched and felt bad. I began to see that I was more than the weight on me...the sparkle in my eye, the way I lovingly held A, the stylishness of that outfit...it was really me in each of those pictures, and there was nothing wrong with who I was.
Why am I trying to lose weight then? I'm proud of my ongoing transformation. I do think that, at least in my own opinion I am now more physically attractive, and I know that am healthier and happier. But being fat doesn't make me a bad person, and I don't need to feel ashamed of where I've been. I just wasn't ready to heal in that way yet. At various times I was working on various things, maybe healing something else, maybe stuck and hadn't hit the point where change had become imperative. And that's okay. The pain and suffering, the struggle contributed to who I am today. Someone who champions the underdog. Who sees through outside layers to the heart of things. A person that appreciates diversity and uniqueness, instead of someone who clings to some unattainable uniform vision of who we ought to be sold to us from the powers above. Someone who knows how easy it is to get stuck, and what it takes to find and embrace change.
This is a very delicate thing to talk about because I don't want to make the implication that being fat means that someone is stuck, wounded or has something else wrong with them. It doesn't mean that at all. I meant that for ME, and me alone. I do not feel that I am healthy and happy when I have a lot of extra weight; it is my choice to lose it. I think it is completely individual, this choice. I have a friend who is quite large, and she is happy, vibrant, wittier than ten of me, and I wish I could be her for a day. She's an actress, comedian, singer and showperson extraordinaire, and the most popular person I know. She is at complete ease with herself, flirts with people constantly, shoot, even I have a little ol' girl crush on her, to be perfectly honest. She's perfect the way she is.
But my journey is different than hers. I don't think my body and face look as attractive with weight as hers does. I have health issues that losing weight helps address. I have emotional issues that are untangling along with the weight loss tied to child abuse, comfort, gender identity, sexuality, loss, self-esteem, all manner of things. I am not a witty vibrant actress, overflowing with natural charm - I have a different shape to my soul that demands a different container to be expressed the way it always wanted to be. I also don't want to sound like a Pollyanna, spouting some gussied up false message that taking this path is all rainbows and glitter and happiness pie. It's hard to feel your feelings, to make yourself face painful things, to become more disciplined and put forth an effort. It's not easy, but like most developmental and healing processes, it's worth it, at least to me. This is the right way for me at this time. I guess I do have a message of hope, because hopeful is how I feel. YMMV. My truth is my truth alone. Nobody has to feel the same way I do about it. They can talk about how much it sucks, how it's a drag and a struggle and no fun at all. They can decide that they are happy to be heavy, and that's totally okay too. I, myself feel very lucky to be here, becoming what I've always wanted to be. And I'm very glad that I took the risk to put those pictures up. It gave me a chance to begin seeing through the illusions, both good and bad that I've always attached to my self-image and into who I really am.
Progress
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
What I've gained...
I gotz the fever! If only that weren't literal.
Yesterday, A, his brother and I hacked away at our utterly neglected wild kingdom of a yard, beating the blackberries into submission (at least back to their safe space behind the shed, a no-man's land that we have long conceded), chopping the verdant meadows down to lawn length again, and completely clipping back the weird invasive vine/tree/plant thingies from our neighbor's yard that grow up our fence and across the front lawn until they block the view. Whew! We had way too much yard waste to go into the container, so we had to stack it behind the shed with the blackberries, and it's as high as the shed! Lord. We may never see that patch of grass again.
A and I decided to share a rare 10" gourmet pizza (it's been AGES, possibly a year, my half was the Zorba with spinach, tomatoes, feta cheese, pretty thin crust...it was magically delicious!) and two pints of beer at Fiddler's Inn to reward ourselves, then go walk through Home Depot to daydream about the day we can actually afford to landscape and pick up a few supplies. By late afternoon, I realized that I felt TERRIBLE. Raging fever, weak, achy, A said heat was emanating from me. Starting to feel better today, but now A feels bad. No fairs! So we're spending the beautiful Seattle summer Sunday afternoon curled up on the couch playing video games and surfing. Bleah.
It's TOM time (redundant, yes I know), and I am up up up in weight, 3.5 pounds, most likely between water retention and probably also from pizza and beer, heh heh. I'm not letting it bother me in the slightest right now. I know it will go right back down in a few days after the hormones re-level and I spend some bread/beer free time, always does. So this post isn't really about that. :) I'm glad I've stopped freaking out at the slightest fluctuation. So's A, for that matter.
Instead of focusing on how icky I feel, I want to write about good things. Specifically, what I've gained along the way. I got the idea of thinking this way from C.C. at Journey to Lost 200 Pounds..., who posted about not losing what you've gained. It's had a profound effect on my psyche, to think that way. So what's better? What's changed? How are things different?
A and I have gotten so much healthier in almost every way. We go for walks most days, occasional hikes and swims when we can. We've both cut waaaaay down on the drinking. We've reconnected on a profound level, physically and emotionally. I never get tired of hearing him tell me how pretty and small I am now. I tell him how handsome and skinny he is as often as I can. At 19 years together, I think we're closer than we've ever been.
I've been getting more flirty attention from teh cuties in general. It really boosts the ol' self-esteem to have the random attractive person chat ya up like that. Just sayin'!
I feel much more comfortable in social situations. People seem to be a little more receptive to me, and I'm not certain whether the difference comes from the way they perceive obese people vs. how I look now, or if I'm just coming across as more self-confident, or what. My social anxiety hasn't completely disappeared, far from it, but I'm not nearly as nervous or miserable when I've gone to parties or big gatherings of any kind.
I fit in all chairs with no issue. There was a metal chair with arms at work in the break room that I avoided like the plague, all the way until this spring. My hips would literally get stuck in it, and when I stood, unless I was extremely careful to push the arms down and wiggle my butt out, it would stand with me! Aye-yi-yi! Mortifying! But now I am comfortable in any standard chair, airline seat, theater seat, etc. A little while back we had people over and realized that A and I fit on less than one couch cushion, and two or three more people could get onto our sofa with no problems. Before, three was a crowd!
My weight comes back down if it goes up without a big struggle. I think this means my metabolism is healing, even if incrementally. I am no longer freaking out about it, which means less stress and worry.
I bought and wore real swimming attire for the first time in my adult life, and I am not totally self-conscious in it. A thinks I look totally cute wearing it and bubbles over with praise for me whenever I put it on.
I buy most of my clothes in regular sized stores/departments now. This is incredibly liberating! The clothes are cheaper, made better and cuter in general, though I've yet to figure out exactly where to go to find my style. The last couple things I bought in a plus sized store (pants and swim trunks) are slightly too big and keep migrating down to the lowest point on my hips, not a good look for me. I HATE belts with a passion, since I'm still not comfortable tucking they tend to make my shirt bump out at the worst point possible on what A and I have taken to calling my "Maui belly" (my stomach got slightly bigger ever since our trip to Hawaii.) Plus it feels weird to have something cinching me around the middle. Maybe one day I'll be skinny enough that I don't even notice how they seem to squeeze the life out of you like a boa constrictor when you move around. I know that skinny people don't change as much in radius when they sit down, so that may yet happen. I learned about that from watching a documentary about the making of Dune, when the costume designer was talking about the challenges involved in making the suits for Baron Harkonnen and the Beast Rabban, lolz.
My I get off track easily. Probably the fever in my brainz. I realize that what I've written about is a pretty standard weight loss blog post, nothing new under the sun, but I do think sometimes it pays to pay homage to how things have gotten better, even if it's a little cliche. If you don't remember where you've come from, it's all too easy to slip into complacency and let your brain trick you into thinking you're missing out if you're not stuffing your face with everything in front of you. Happily, so far this is never really the case anymore...I think I have a much better relationship with food at this point. At least, when I'm feeling up to eating again. Think it's time to make some tea!
Yesterday, A, his brother and I hacked away at our utterly neglected wild kingdom of a yard, beating the blackberries into submission (at least back to their safe space behind the shed, a no-man's land that we have long conceded), chopping the verdant meadows down to lawn length again, and completely clipping back the weird invasive vine/tree/plant thingies from our neighbor's yard that grow up our fence and across the front lawn until they block the view. Whew! We had way too much yard waste to go into the container, so we had to stack it behind the shed with the blackberries, and it's as high as the shed! Lord. We may never see that patch of grass again.
A and I decided to share a rare 10" gourmet pizza (it's been AGES, possibly a year, my half was the Zorba with spinach, tomatoes, feta cheese, pretty thin crust...it was magically delicious!) and two pints of beer at Fiddler's Inn to reward ourselves, then go walk through Home Depot to daydream about the day we can actually afford to landscape and pick up a few supplies. By late afternoon, I realized that I felt TERRIBLE. Raging fever, weak, achy, A said heat was emanating from me. Starting to feel better today, but now A feels bad. No fairs! So we're spending the beautiful Seattle summer Sunday afternoon curled up on the couch playing video games and surfing. Bleah.
It's TOM time (redundant, yes I know), and I am up up up in weight, 3.5 pounds, most likely between water retention and probably also from pizza and beer, heh heh. I'm not letting it bother me in the slightest right now. I know it will go right back down in a few days after the hormones re-level and I spend some bread/beer free time, always does. So this post isn't really about that. :) I'm glad I've stopped freaking out at the slightest fluctuation. So's A, for that matter.
Instead of focusing on how icky I feel, I want to write about good things. Specifically, what I've gained along the way. I got the idea of thinking this way from C.C. at Journey to Lost 200 Pounds..., who posted about not losing what you've gained. It's had a profound effect on my psyche, to think that way. So what's better? What's changed? How are things different?
A and I have gotten so much healthier in almost every way. We go for walks most days, occasional hikes and swims when we can. We've both cut waaaaay down on the drinking. We've reconnected on a profound level, physically and emotionally. I never get tired of hearing him tell me how pretty and small I am now. I tell him how handsome and skinny he is as often as I can. At 19 years together, I think we're closer than we've ever been.
I've been getting more flirty attention from teh cuties in general. It really boosts the ol' self-esteem to have the random attractive person chat ya up like that. Just sayin'!
I feel much more comfortable in social situations. People seem to be a little more receptive to me, and I'm not certain whether the difference comes from the way they perceive obese people vs. how I look now, or if I'm just coming across as more self-confident, or what. My social anxiety hasn't completely disappeared, far from it, but I'm not nearly as nervous or miserable when I've gone to parties or big gatherings of any kind.
I fit in all chairs with no issue. There was a metal chair with arms at work in the break room that I avoided like the plague, all the way until this spring. My hips would literally get stuck in it, and when I stood, unless I was extremely careful to push the arms down and wiggle my butt out, it would stand with me! Aye-yi-yi! Mortifying! But now I am comfortable in any standard chair, airline seat, theater seat, etc. A little while back we had people over and realized that A and I fit on less than one couch cushion, and two or three more people could get onto our sofa with no problems. Before, three was a crowd!
My weight comes back down if it goes up without a big struggle. I think this means my metabolism is healing, even if incrementally. I am no longer freaking out about it, which means less stress and worry.
I bought and wore real swimming attire for the first time in my adult life, and I am not totally self-conscious in it. A thinks I look totally cute wearing it and bubbles over with praise for me whenever I put it on.
I buy most of my clothes in regular sized stores/departments now. This is incredibly liberating! The clothes are cheaper, made better and cuter in general, though I've yet to figure out exactly where to go to find my style. The last couple things I bought in a plus sized store (pants and swim trunks) are slightly too big and keep migrating down to the lowest point on my hips, not a good look for me. I HATE belts with a passion, since I'm still not comfortable tucking they tend to make my shirt bump out at the worst point possible on what A and I have taken to calling my "Maui belly" (my stomach got slightly bigger ever since our trip to Hawaii.) Plus it feels weird to have something cinching me around the middle. Maybe one day I'll be skinny enough that I don't even notice how they seem to squeeze the life out of you like a boa constrictor when you move around. I know that skinny people don't change as much in radius when they sit down, so that may yet happen. I learned about that from watching a documentary about the making of Dune, when the costume designer was talking about the challenges involved in making the suits for Baron Harkonnen and the Beast Rabban, lolz.
My I get off track easily. Probably the fever in my brainz. I realize that what I've written about is a pretty standard weight loss blog post, nothing new under the sun, but I do think sometimes it pays to pay homage to how things have gotten better, even if it's a little cliche. If you don't remember where you've come from, it's all too easy to slip into complacency and let your brain trick you into thinking you're missing out if you're not stuffing your face with everything in front of you. Happily, so far this is never really the case anymore...I think I have a much better relationship with food at this point. At least, when I'm feeling up to eating again. Think it's time to make some tea!
Friday, July 16, 2010
To HCG or to Not HCG, That is the Question
As you can probably tell by the beer in my hand in my latest progress picture (and now my profile pic), I've been having a pretty good time this summer. Though seriously, I haven't been drinking all that much, avoiding my previous bar-dwelling existence like the plague, but still. Relaxing with friends and family, taking time to enjoy things. I quit my job, spend my time exploring my city all over again, hiking, swimming, going on Maui vacations and day trips to the mountains. I've tried to sell stuff on e-bay to no avail, and failed so far at securing any freelance editing attempts, but overall, I'm enjoying myself. I let my 6 week waiting period between HCG rounds lapse and then some. The weather finally got nice here! I want to enjoy it.
I've been really proud of my ability to maintain this time. I mean, I've never managed to stay within the magical two pound range from my last dose weight as recommended by the protocol, but after popping up a bit on aforementioned Maui vacation (you can't eat things like banana bread and chocolate covered macadamia nuts every day and expect miraculous maintenance results), I brought it back down to 6 pounds over my last dose weight and have stayed within two pounds of that for the last month.
So I think I've figured out maintenance at this weight, and that's cool. I've never weighed less than 200 pounds in my entire adult life! Hell, I was above that by the time I got into high school. Maintenance is great right now, because I know that even if I didn't continue losing, I'm no longer automatically just climbing up the scale as I had for years and years. I NEVER want to see a "2" in front of my weight ever again!
What I'm not doing is losing weight. Not a bit of it. This is par for the course for me. I used to lose weight on low carb, but not anymore. Now I merely maintain. It takes an unrealistic amount of calorie restriction and a level of exercise beyond what my achy joints and fibromyalgic muscles can currently support for me to get anywhere without HCG. There are going to be a lot of people out there who don't believe this, but I know the truth. I once lost 80 pounds on low carb alone, now it no longer works for me. Trudi from My Non-Mainstream Weight Loss and Fitness Journey linked to this article on weight loss, metabolic rates and hormone levels that was extremely revealing, and now I understand more about why this may be so for me as detailed in that article. My metabolism, always slow, had slowed to a crawl for lots of reasons. I may go into detail about this at some point, but you'd probably be snoring by the end of the already wordy-ass post, so not for now...
This endocrine and metabolic specialist mentioned that many people with the problems he details have been having great success with HCG. And so I have. I do think my metabolic rate is higher than it used to have been or I would be gaining great gobs every time I have a cracker or a beer, and I'm not. But it's still not all the way there yet, and may never be, given my built in endocrine imbalance (CAH which produces my now documented sky-high DHEA levels, among other things.) So it's HCG for me when I'm ready to go again.
But am I ready? On the one hand, I have no job, and therefore time to enjoy the occasional glass of wine or meal out with friends and family, especially sitting in sunny patios. I can't do that on the HCG protocol. I can go hiking and swimming whenever the weather allows. On the protocol, I am often too weak or dizzy for most exercise, and there's not enough protein in my diet to rebuild strained muscles.
On the other hand...I am impatient to get where I am going. I look at myself now, and for being 100+ pounds down, I'm so freaking far from an ideal weight. It's funny, too...I know there's a huge difference in the Befores and Afters, but since all the full body shots are from the front you can hardly see that I am developing a waistline because I'm still almost straight up and down from that angle! If I'm turned at all to the side, you can see a giant difference, that I come way in under my chest, and I'm so much THINNER. I can't wait for the front view to match the side, LOL. I want the jawline to be there ALL the time, not just from certain angles or if I hold my chin up. I want to lose the thunder thighs. Thank god for my Torrid sugar skull swim trunks! Nobody wants to see what lies beneath!
So...a dilemma. Do I enjoy the rest of my summer as a moderately fat person, or do I wearily start what I oughtta do next weekend and get done right at the end of August as a progressively more normal-sized me? I still probably won't hit my ideal weight, but I'll be so much closer! I have to decide by Tuesday next week. It's a toughie. More hair-pulling to follow...
I've been really proud of my ability to maintain this time. I mean, I've never managed to stay within the magical two pound range from my last dose weight as recommended by the protocol, but after popping up a bit on aforementioned Maui vacation (you can't eat things like banana bread and chocolate covered macadamia nuts every day and expect miraculous maintenance results), I brought it back down to 6 pounds over my last dose weight and have stayed within two pounds of that for the last month.
So I think I've figured out maintenance at this weight, and that's cool. I've never weighed less than 200 pounds in my entire adult life! Hell, I was above that by the time I got into high school. Maintenance is great right now, because I know that even if I didn't continue losing, I'm no longer automatically just climbing up the scale as I had for years and years. I NEVER want to see a "2" in front of my weight ever again!
What I'm not doing is losing weight. Not a bit of it. This is par for the course for me. I used to lose weight on low carb, but not anymore. Now I merely maintain. It takes an unrealistic amount of calorie restriction and a level of exercise beyond what my achy joints and fibromyalgic muscles can currently support for me to get anywhere without HCG. There are going to be a lot of people out there who don't believe this, but I know the truth. I once lost 80 pounds on low carb alone, now it no longer works for me. Trudi from My Non-Mainstream Weight Loss and Fitness Journey linked to this article on weight loss, metabolic rates and hormone levels that was extremely revealing, and now I understand more about why this may be so for me as detailed in that article. My metabolism, always slow, had slowed to a crawl for lots of reasons. I may go into detail about this at some point, but you'd probably be snoring by the end of the already wordy-ass post, so not for now...
This endocrine and metabolic specialist mentioned that many people with the problems he details have been having great success with HCG. And so I have. I do think my metabolic rate is higher than it used to have been or I would be gaining great gobs every time I have a cracker or a beer, and I'm not. But it's still not all the way there yet, and may never be, given my built in endocrine imbalance (CAH which produces my now documented sky-high DHEA levels, among other things.) So it's HCG for me when I'm ready to go again.
But am I ready? On the one hand, I have no job, and therefore time to enjoy the occasional glass of wine or meal out with friends and family, especially sitting in sunny patios. I can't do that on the HCG protocol. I can go hiking and swimming whenever the weather allows. On the protocol, I am often too weak or dizzy for most exercise, and there's not enough protein in my diet to rebuild strained muscles.
On the other hand...I am impatient to get where I am going. I look at myself now, and for being 100+ pounds down, I'm so freaking far from an ideal weight. It's funny, too...I know there's a huge difference in the Befores and Afters, but since all the full body shots are from the front you can hardly see that I am developing a waistline because I'm still almost straight up and down from that angle! If I'm turned at all to the side, you can see a giant difference, that I come way in under my chest, and I'm so much THINNER. I can't wait for the front view to match the side, LOL. I want the jawline to be there ALL the time, not just from certain angles or if I hold my chin up. I want to lose the thunder thighs. Thank god for my Torrid sugar skull swim trunks! Nobody wants to see what lies beneath!
So...a dilemma. Do I enjoy the rest of my summer as a moderately fat person, or do I wearily start what I oughtta do next weekend and get done right at the end of August as a progressively more normal-sized me? I still probably won't hit my ideal weight, but I'll be so much closer! I have to decide by Tuesday next week. It's a toughie. More hair-pulling to follow...
Versatility Awarded!
Okay, maybe it's NOT an award for my versatility (Does that sound a little dirty or is it just me? Yeah, probably just me), but it's an award nonetheless. And I got it from one of my hands-down all-time favorite bloggers, the awesome writer of 266. I've followed her blog for quite some time, at least since she started doing things like riding zip-lines(!), and she was a huge influence on to me to start blogging and keep on keepin' on down the road. Watching her AMAZING transformation is utterly addictive - I have to stop by for my delicious daily dose. If you haven't read her blog, go check it out; you'll be so inspired that the next thing you know you may just start dragon-boating! That lady knows how to have fun! Hilariously, I just recently realized I should start clicking the "Follow" button instead of keeping all my regular blogs open in tabs (lol), and apparently that's how this happened...she decided to check out her most recent followers and give this to people whose blogs she found there. So thank you, 266, I truly appreciate your support.
The award comes with the following guidelines:
1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Nominate fifteen newly discovered blogs.
4. Let your nominees know about the award.
Seven things about myself, hmmmm....lemmesee...
1. I once spent half an hour talking to David Byrne backstage at Seattle's Bumbershoot music festival without realizing it was him. In fact, my friend Ben, the drummer of the band I was hanging out with had just introduced me to his mother and I had just assumed that Mr. Byrne was this guy's father, as their faces looked similar to me, both with very intense eyes. We sat on some steps behind the stadium with the singer of the band, chatted about all the bands we liked and saw at the festival, the weather, just this and that. I have no idea why I didn't recognize him, since I have loved the Talking Heads since I was 13 and KNEW he was playing the festival opposite my friend's band, but somehow I did not. I swear, hand over heart, that the next thing out of my mouth was going to be "So, you're Ben's Dad?" when a person with a clipboard and headset ran up and said "David! You're on in ten!" I have never had more of a lightbulb over my head moment in my life as that moment. I nonchalantly said "Nice talking to you. Have a great show", shook his hand and walked away, thanking the universe and all the stars above for intervening in what might well have been the most embarrassing moment of my existence. Super nice guy, btw. :)
2. My partner A and I spent 2 months in India, from December 1999 to January 2000 partly because we wanted to go somewhere complete different for the millennium new year (among many other reasons). We celebrated the New Year's Eve with 4000 people from all over the world on a beach in Goa.
3. I once made a comedic short film lampooning Lars Von Trier that played at a small film festival, which got a very positive response!
4. I had a phobia of driving that I didn't overcome until nine years ago. I got my first driver's license at the age of 33. I have no problem driving now whatsoever. BUT:
5. I get lost very very easily. In fact, I seriously get turned around going around blocks. My partner bought me a GPS, which has revolutionized my life. :)
6. Snorkeling is hands down my favorite activity of all time. Sorry, current and former lovers - XOXO. Snorkeling is better. It's the closest thing to being able to fly I have ever experienced, and a window into a secret world.
7. If I could have any superpower I wanted, I would choose to be able to enter the sea and swim as long as I wanted, traveling from continent to continent, breathing underwater, living in the ocean as long as I liked. Wow, I just realized - my super power is basically to be Aquaman, the most ridiculed superhero of all time. Way to go, me!
Hmm...perhaps I should have received the Verbosity Award instead?
To pick the blogs to pass the award on to, I felt compelled to explore and find brand new ones that I enjoyed and want to encourage. I chose a blogs from a mix of weight loss methods, but I did include several HCG blogs, because I've been having a hard time tracking them down in the mainstream weight loss community, and think there should be more cross-pollination. Here's the 15 (whew!) newly discovered blogs that I nominate:
1. A Day in the Life of An HCG Dieter
2. A Tail of Two Kittehs
3. Autumn's Rosier Days
4. Food Will Not Define Me Forever
5. I Miss My Collar Bone
6. The Incredible Shrinking Gal Baby
7. Hey You, Drop the Fork and Step Away from the Plate!
8. Journey to Me Via HCG
9. Just me and my HCG!
10. Miss Mary's This and That
11. My HCG Story
12. My Non-Mainstream Weightloss and Fitness Journal
13. New Me: A Fresh Start
14. Reaching Onederland with HCG
15. Tia Gets Fit
Honestly, I feel pretty shy about this part of the process. Kind of scared that the people I notify are gonna say "I don't know you from Adam, who are you?" or "I don't do awards." Mostly I'm afraid that people might think I'm just doing it to promote myself or something weird. I'm gonna swallow my weird insecurities and do it anyways, because someone I truly respect did it for me, and it was really sweet. So there.
Edit - I just left all the notifications, and it felt kind of...spammy. I really hope people don't take it that way. I really just want to give what was gotten, and share the love.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Beating the Odds Together
You've heard it over and over. That most people fail to lose weight when they try. That almost everyone who does manage to lose weight will inevitably gain it all back and more.
I bought that, for many years. I mean, I did TRY to lose weight, and sometimes I would be successful for the briefest amount of time, but then, boom, I did indeed yo-yo right back up the scale. Once I lost 80 pounds and kept it off for a while on a no-grain/starches/lactose diet I was on to curb IBS that seemed to be developing into Crohn's disease (it totally worked, along with a strict and expensive gut-healing regimen after a few years, different story), but as soon as I added back any carbs, it all crept back on, bit by bit over the next three years, plus 5 pounds, maybe more. Somewhere in my heart, I had accepted it. I believed that I couldn't really do it. I thought it was inevitable.
This time is different. Why? So many reasons. But I think the number one reason is - I don't believe the lie about it being impossible to lose and maintain your weight any more. I've seen too many people succeed to believe it. I am not alone in my journey. And neither are you.
Suddenly there's a whole community available, without barriers, as long as we have access to the technology. I keep seeing the blogs and sites of people who have lost hundreds of pounds and have kept it off for years! When we read one another's stories, we gain insights into our own. The reasons for our weight problems, what we are clinging to or medicating, the physical things that need healing, the emotional issues that need solving, the different paths to freedom. We can talk over what works for us and what doesn't work. I see the positive examples, the people who have made it. I see the support that we can offer one another, and it is incredibly powerful.
Once I started seeing success after success, something clicked into place. Once I saw with my own eyes that what was "common knowledge" about losing and maintaining weight being next to impossible was a lie, it became possible for me, too. I had to find the methods that worked for me and heal myself physically and emotionally. Still on my journey, but I'm telling you, it's totally different this time. Life is new. I've lost over 100 pounds. I can't see myself ever going back.
Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being out there. Thank you for showing me the way. Thank you for exposing the lie for what it is.
I haven't forgotten about the award, 266, btw. Had an exceedingly wacky day yesterday, full of both pleasant and unpleasant surprises, and in my spare time I've been hunting down my 15 newly discovered bloggers to hand it off to. Hopefully tonight. Best to all of you.
I bought that, for many years. I mean, I did TRY to lose weight, and sometimes I would be successful for the briefest amount of time, but then, boom, I did indeed yo-yo right back up the scale. Once I lost 80 pounds and kept it off for a while on a no-grain/starches/lactose diet I was on to curb IBS that seemed to be developing into Crohn's disease (it totally worked, along with a strict and expensive gut-healing regimen after a few years, different story), but as soon as I added back any carbs, it all crept back on, bit by bit over the next three years, plus 5 pounds, maybe more. Somewhere in my heart, I had accepted it. I believed that I couldn't really do it. I thought it was inevitable.
This time is different. Why? So many reasons. But I think the number one reason is - I don't believe the lie about it being impossible to lose and maintain your weight any more. I've seen too many people succeed to believe it. I am not alone in my journey. And neither are you.
Suddenly there's a whole community available, without barriers, as long as we have access to the technology. I keep seeing the blogs and sites of people who have lost hundreds of pounds and have kept it off for years! When we read one another's stories, we gain insights into our own. The reasons for our weight problems, what we are clinging to or medicating, the physical things that need healing, the emotional issues that need solving, the different paths to freedom. We can talk over what works for us and what doesn't work. I see the positive examples, the people who have made it. I see the support that we can offer one another, and it is incredibly powerful.
Once I started seeing success after success, something clicked into place. Once I saw with my own eyes that what was "common knowledge" about losing and maintaining weight being next to impossible was a lie, it became possible for me, too. I had to find the methods that worked for me and heal myself physically and emotionally. Still on my journey, but I'm telling you, it's totally different this time. Life is new. I've lost over 100 pounds. I can't see myself ever going back.
Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being out there. Thank you for showing me the way. Thank you for exposing the lie for what it is.
I haven't forgotten about the award, 266, btw. Had an exceedingly wacky day yesterday, full of both pleasant and unpleasant surprises, and in my spare time I've been hunting down my 15 newly discovered bloggers to hand it off to. Hopefully tonight. Best to all of you.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Progress pictures and welcome!
I've added progress pictures to my blog. It was a hard decision to make, as I'm really shy about how I look, even now, but I'm glad I did. Looking at that little filmstrip to the right is very motivating! I've never actually sat down and done this before. It's truly helpful. Still struggling to grasp a new body image, over a hundred pounds lighter. I'm finally really seeing what a difference it's made, where I still need to go, and coming to accept that I probably really do need to weigh just about HALF of what I weighed at my heaviest. Wow! And that's okay. If I can achieve that, then I'll have really done something to feel good about. When I first started losing weight, I had no idea where I needed to be. I made my first goal 180, which I still haven't quite reached. Decided not to change that goal until I get there, but really, my ultimate ideal weight is probably somewhere between 140 - 155. Just a guess, based on what I look like now at this weight. We'll see as we get closer.
The amazing and lovely 266 gave me an award, only on my old blog! I'll follow up on that tonight, when I have a little more time. But thank you so much! She's one of the most inspirational bloggers I've ever read, while losing over 100 pounds and becoming a complete athlete in the process. Anyways, for those people now viewing my blog for the first time, welcome and thanks for coming by! I promise to post more often. I've been spending a lot of time in the sun, a rarity around these parts.
Quick exercise update - A and I did our first Greenlake crossing and back last week! We made it, about 1 mile, with brief rests in about 90 minutes. I am a VERY slow open water swimmer, but proud of my increasing endurance. Hopefully I can speed things up with more practice, like we did last (exceptionally hot) summer. We've been hiking and going for walks most days that it wasn't hot enough to swim. I've been having some muscle and joint aches, flaring auto-immune things. Hopefully that might die down, may need to watch my diet a little more closely. But I'm happy with my overall activity level, though there's always room for improvement. Now it's time for some activity!
The amazing and lovely 266 gave me an award, only on my old blog! I'll follow up on that tonight, when I have a little more time. But thank you so much! She's one of the most inspirational bloggers I've ever read, while losing over 100 pounds and becoming a complete athlete in the process. Anyways, for those people now viewing my blog for the first time, welcome and thanks for coming by! I promise to post more often. I've been spending a lot of time in the sun, a rarity around these parts.
Quick exercise update - A and I did our first Greenlake crossing and back last week! We made it, about 1 mile, with brief rests in about 90 minutes. I am a VERY slow open water swimmer, but proud of my increasing endurance. Hopefully I can speed things up with more practice, like we did last (exceptionally hot) summer. We've been hiking and going for walks most days that it wasn't hot enough to swim. I've been having some muscle and joint aches, flaring auto-immune things. Hopefully that might die down, may need to watch my diet a little more closely. But I'm happy with my overall activity level, though there's always room for improvement. Now it's time for some activity!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Verbosity Watch and the Very Hot Day
Wow. Yesterday's introductory post was...verbose. Also, I commented on Sean's Daily Diary of a Winning Loser yesterday, and it turned out to be a very long comment indeed. I got excited because I could really relate to what Sean was talking about re: loose skin and clothing insecurities, but I admired him for the huge challenges he gives himself, like facing those fears by being onstage. When I went back and read what everybody else posted, I felt kind of bad, as they were all short and sweet, and nobody else seemed to be talking about what I had. Sigh. I'll try to be much more concise in the future.
In other news...it's HOT here in Seattle. Supposed to be 93 today, and it's probably at least that now. Yesterday it reached 90. My partner in crime, "A" and I swam for the first time in our local urban lake, and did 2/3 of a mile! (Thanks Google Earth, for the awesome distance measurement tool and satellite view.) Not too shabby, since we are rusty. I was RAVENOUS when we got out. I'm down half a pound this morning, despite eating a fair (but pretty reasonable) amount last night.
We plan to go again today, and swim across the lake and back, just shy of a mile. That lake is special to me, and I'm excited that it's warm enough to swim long distances there again. A and I began our romantic involvement together while swimming at night in that lake, and he confessed his undying love for me on its shore. I love that place.
We also took a sunset walk around our neighborhood again. We walked across the North Seattle Community College Campus to a little park called Licton Springs. I can't believe we'd never done this before. I love that we're becoming so much more active. Our neighborhood is sweet, quiet and beautiful, without being snobby or ostentatious. I feel very peaceful and lucky to live here. Looking forward to many more evening strolls.
Too hot to cook. Today I made tuna dip that someone on low carb forums suggested:
"Tuna, Cream cheese about 2-4 oz per can depending on taste, a green onion, a tiny bit of mayo and a tsp or so of lemon juice."
I used 2 ounces of cream cheese. I was out of mayo, so I substituted 1 tbsp. Maries Blue Cheese dressing. It's great! I'm eating it on Wasa crackers, and drinking Reed's ginger ale over crushed ice. Getting fueled up for the big swim. Need to drink a bunch of water between now and 4 or so to prepare. I love these summer days in Seattle.
In other news...it's HOT here in Seattle. Supposed to be 93 today, and it's probably at least that now. Yesterday it reached 90. My partner in crime, "A" and I swam for the first time in our local urban lake, and did 2/3 of a mile! (Thanks Google Earth, for the awesome distance measurement tool and satellite view.) Not too shabby, since we are rusty. I was RAVENOUS when we got out. I'm down half a pound this morning, despite eating a fair (but pretty reasonable) amount last night.
We plan to go again today, and swim across the lake and back, just shy of a mile. That lake is special to me, and I'm excited that it's warm enough to swim long distances there again. A and I began our romantic involvement together while swimming at night in that lake, and he confessed his undying love for me on its shore. I love that place.
We also took a sunset walk around our neighborhood again. We walked across the North Seattle Community College Campus to a little park called Licton Springs. I can't believe we'd never done this before. I love that we're becoming so much more active. Our neighborhood is sweet, quiet and beautiful, without being snobby or ostentatious. I feel very peaceful and lucky to live here. Looking forward to many more evening strolls.
Too hot to cook. Today I made tuna dip that someone on low carb forums suggested:
"Tuna, Cream cheese about 2-4 oz per can depending on taste, a green onion, a tiny bit of mayo and a tsp or so of lemon juice."
I used 2 ounces of cream cheese. I was out of mayo, so I substituted 1 tbsp. Maries Blue Cheese dressing. It's great! I'm eating it on Wasa crackers, and drinking Reed's ginger ale over crushed ice. Getting fueled up for the big swim. Need to drink a bunch of water between now and 4 or so to prepare. I love these summer days in Seattle.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Another Great Lyn Post
Controversial
Lyn of Escape from Obesity has been a blogger that I am consistantly blown away by, and this post rocks. She staunchly defends the right to find what works for you and stick to it. I'm 100% behind her, even though how I lose weight is different. Great job, Lyn.
Lyn of Escape from Obesity has been a blogger that I am consistantly blown away by, and this post rocks. She staunchly defends the right to find what works for you and stick to it. I'm 100% behind her, even though how I lose weight is different. Great job, Lyn.
The Journey So Far
Hello blogosphere. I've blogged a little on this subject so far, but decided that a reboot was in order, keeping my weight loss and other aspects of my life in separate places. So here I am, and I'd like to talk about the journey so far.
My highest recorded weight was 295, over 2 years ago now, though I may have been near that or even exceeded it several times during the last few decades as I've yo-yo'd up and down the scale. I have been overweight or obese since I was a toddler. In my case, I believe it has been a combination of lots of things. I have a genetic condition called Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia causing endocrine system imbalances leading to auto-immune problems, digestive problems, muscle and joint problems, and more, and I think that's the biggest issue. I also grew up on southern cooking/heavily processed low nutrition foods and was punished for not cleaning my plate. Additionally, I suffered severe childhood abuse of several varieties which lead to emotional eating and other bad food consumption practices, which was definitely a big factor. Don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for where I'm at now and know that it's up to me to make the necessary changes to lose weight. It has taken decades of being on my own as an adult to puzzle all this out and find my way back to the highest levels of health that I can achieve, but the cool thing is, I'm doing it.
I've lost over 100 pounds so far! It's been an amazing transformation of mind, body and spirit. My whole life is changing for the better, and I couldn't be happier. Like most change, this one started with crisis. I think I've learned that crisis is the thing that spurs most of us into action. Consequently, I have been learning to view problems in an entirely different light. It may sound cliche, but over and over again, coping with crisis has forced me onto higher ground.
Over the years I've strived to find answers to my health problems and emotional issues. Addiction of loved ones, my own addictions, relationship problems, severe depression, and health issues including severe pharmaceutical poisoning and early symptoms of MS all converged for me two years ago, and I hit bottom. Just to survive I began getting counseling for my depression, social anxiety, self-esteem issues and free myself from codependancy. Though not an alcoholic by any means, I still cut my drinking down significantly, began eating less and getting more exercise, started a more intensive qigong practice and found a naturopath who really knew how to help me. She put me on rounds of the HCG diet, and in combination supplements and my other healthy practices, the MS symptoms went away and have not returned for over a year now. And I've lost enough weight to officially move out of being classified as "obese."
In fact, I went from "morbidly obese" to "obese" to "overweight" in less than a year. According to the BMI chart, at 5'8", I should be 164 pounds or under to qualify as "normal". I am currently 27 pounds above that weight, but I'm betting, based on how my body looks and feels, that I could really stand to lose at least another 40 pounds to feel and look right. At the moment I'm maintaining my current weight and focusing on getting exercise and sunshine to boost my health and prevent any further development of the MS. I've quit my job to get away from pollution and emotional toxicity, and am going to spend the summer hiking, open water swimming and weight lifting.
I will start a new round of the HCG diet, possibly late July but I may wait until fall, depending on how I feel in the next few weeks. If you're familiar with the HCG diet, you know that it is restrictive and challenging, and after four rounds with the required maintenance periods in between, I'm finding that I kind of want a little more time off to enjoy going out with friends and family. Since I'm maintaining my weight well, I'm not too worried about when I get back on the train again, so to speak, but on the other hand, I'm eager for normality too.
Why the HCG diet? I know many in the weight loss blogosphere are against the concept of diet, and for lifestyle change instead, and I respect that. It works for them. Our bodies are all different. Calorie counting and exercise alone does not seem to work very well for me. I can restrict my daily calories to 1500 and lose no weight, even if I work out. My current health issues seem to make it extremely difficult to up my metabolism and lose weight. Low carb IS helpful for me, and I tend to lose and/or maintain if I keep the amount of carbs that I consume to a very small proportion of my daily intake. The HCG protocol certainly adheres to low carb principles, but it's the mechanism of the hormone that actually causes me to be able to let go of excess fat and have it stay off. It's been extremely successful for me so far, but I realize that time will tell. And the HCG seems to be what finally stopped the tremors, twitches and restored my coordination (I had fallen 4 times in a month!). (Mind you, I had only the beginning symptoms, not an official diagnosis with spinal tap and all, and it was caught EARLY. I do not think that it will help people with advanced MS cases or people with lots of damage already done to their nervous systems. Your mileage may vary!) So I know that this protocol helps me with all of my health conditions and to lose weight, without causing me any other health issues.
My partner in crime for 19+, "A", has accompanied me on this journey. He's also lost over 100 pounds using the HCG protocol, stuck with me through thick and thin, and I'm extremely proud of him. Together we continue down this road towards health and freedom and a better life.
My highest recorded weight was 295, over 2 years ago now, though I may have been near that or even exceeded it several times during the last few decades as I've yo-yo'd up and down the scale. I have been overweight or obese since I was a toddler. In my case, I believe it has been a combination of lots of things. I have a genetic condition called Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia causing endocrine system imbalances leading to auto-immune problems, digestive problems, muscle and joint problems, and more, and I think that's the biggest issue. I also grew up on southern cooking/heavily processed low nutrition foods and was punished for not cleaning my plate. Additionally, I suffered severe childhood abuse of several varieties which lead to emotional eating and other bad food consumption practices, which was definitely a big factor. Don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for where I'm at now and know that it's up to me to make the necessary changes to lose weight. It has taken decades of being on my own as an adult to puzzle all this out and find my way back to the highest levels of health that I can achieve, but the cool thing is, I'm doing it.
I've lost over 100 pounds so far! It's been an amazing transformation of mind, body and spirit. My whole life is changing for the better, and I couldn't be happier. Like most change, this one started with crisis. I think I've learned that crisis is the thing that spurs most of us into action. Consequently, I have been learning to view problems in an entirely different light. It may sound cliche, but over and over again, coping with crisis has forced me onto higher ground.
Over the years I've strived to find answers to my health problems and emotional issues. Addiction of loved ones, my own addictions, relationship problems, severe depression, and health issues including severe pharmaceutical poisoning and early symptoms of MS all converged for me two years ago, and I hit bottom. Just to survive I began getting counseling for my depression, social anxiety, self-esteem issues and free myself from codependancy. Though not an alcoholic by any means, I still cut my drinking down significantly, began eating less and getting more exercise, started a more intensive qigong practice and found a naturopath who really knew how to help me. She put me on rounds of the HCG diet, and in combination supplements and my other healthy practices, the MS symptoms went away and have not returned for over a year now. And I've lost enough weight to officially move out of being classified as "obese."
In fact, I went from "morbidly obese" to "obese" to "overweight" in less than a year. According to the BMI chart, at 5'8", I should be 164 pounds or under to qualify as "normal". I am currently 27 pounds above that weight, but I'm betting, based on how my body looks and feels, that I could really stand to lose at least another 40 pounds to feel and look right. At the moment I'm maintaining my current weight and focusing on getting exercise and sunshine to boost my health and prevent any further development of the MS. I've quit my job to get away from pollution and emotional toxicity, and am going to spend the summer hiking, open water swimming and weight lifting.
I will start a new round of the HCG diet, possibly late July but I may wait until fall, depending on how I feel in the next few weeks. If you're familiar with the HCG diet, you know that it is restrictive and challenging, and after four rounds with the required maintenance periods in between, I'm finding that I kind of want a little more time off to enjoy going out with friends and family. Since I'm maintaining my weight well, I'm not too worried about when I get back on the train again, so to speak, but on the other hand, I'm eager for normality too.
Why the HCG diet? I know many in the weight loss blogosphere are against the concept of diet, and for lifestyle change instead, and I respect that. It works for them. Our bodies are all different. Calorie counting and exercise alone does not seem to work very well for me. I can restrict my daily calories to 1500 and lose no weight, even if I work out. My current health issues seem to make it extremely difficult to up my metabolism and lose weight. Low carb IS helpful for me, and I tend to lose and/or maintain if I keep the amount of carbs that I consume to a very small proportion of my daily intake. The HCG protocol certainly adheres to low carb principles, but it's the mechanism of the hormone that actually causes me to be able to let go of excess fat and have it stay off. It's been extremely successful for me so far, but I realize that time will tell. And the HCG seems to be what finally stopped the tremors, twitches and restored my coordination (I had fallen 4 times in a month!). (Mind you, I had only the beginning symptoms, not an official diagnosis with spinal tap and all, and it was caught EARLY. I do not think that it will help people with advanced MS cases or people with lots of damage already done to their nervous systems. Your mileage may vary!) So I know that this protocol helps me with all of my health conditions and to lose weight, without causing me any other health issues.
My partner in crime for 19+, "A", has accompanied me on this journey. He's also lost over 100 pounds using the HCG protocol, stuck with me through thick and thin, and I'm extremely proud of him. Together we continue down this road towards health and freedom and a better life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)