The Fingers You Have Used to Dial...Are Too Fat

So spotty this week! Just busy...including ups and downs.

Downs, I think, include my weight. I have not actually weighed, because it was getting neurotic. Clothes are BEGINNING to look a little better though.

Also downs include mood, though that was temporary. I am struggling on how to deal with alcoholic borderline/narcissistic personality close relative. They call me out of desperate need for emotional support every once in a while, though we used to be very close. For an hour and a half, we'll be having the best conversation, reconnecting, where I actually think I see a breakthrough in attitude. Suddenly, they seize on to some neurotic crazy notion that puts the locus of control back outside of themselves. This becomes a way to blame their problems on somebody else. Then they say something horrible to me, putting me on the defensive. I say something I am unhappy about (but is the truth), they get mad and hang up on me. Par for the course. I know that this can happen, any time I pick up the phone for them. I can't bring myself not to pick up the phone every once in a while. Still sad as hell, and brings me waaaaaaaay down, no matter how hard I try to tell myself that it's not my fault and I'm not responsible for the crazy. I do need to work on not becoming defensive in the face of it. That was yesterday, and it hurt a lot. Ah, well. I am starting to feel better again.

Power button broken on phone, an original Droid, which is also malfunctioning in 8 different other ways. Just passed my 2 year minimum on this phone, eligible for another upgrade. Of course the one I just NEED is $300 freaking dollars. A needs one, also, and he NEEDS one like the one I need. His phone is an embarrassment, now that he's going to be representing his company in tech demos and such. And we are paying for another person's phone, and they need a replacement, also. All the research has taken a LOT of time. I want a physical keyboard, but I want really great battery life and 4G LTE Android...so I think I need to give up the physical keyboard idea because the best thing out there for me is the Razr Maxx. But virtual keyboards slow me down and drive me crazy. Either I emanate a static force field the likes of which has been yet unimagined (possible), OR my fingers are too fat and I need a dialing wand. Thank you, Simpsons, for permanently placing that image in my head. A is forcing me to march down there and pick one out today, in any case.

Session 3 of Workout B, Occam's Razor, complete (as of Tuesday)! Again, JUST missed my minimum 7 reps for the Inclined Chest Press, 5.5 reps to failure at 40 pounds, but CRUSHED the leg press for 18.5 reps to failure at 120, with the minimum reps being 10! My legs are a teensy bit sore, but really not bad. Just like my workout A this time, my weakest muscles did NOT gain 100% in strength in two weeks flat, shockingly. But almost!

I am very convinced that if your lift starts at 20 lbs, then tiny kitten muscles that they are, you are NOT going to be able to double that muscle size in two week's time no matter how much protein powder you shovel in your piehole. And I have stopped shoving so much into my piehole! I just couldn't sustain it. I cut those beans out, cut my intake to 1 gram of protein per lb. of lean body weight, and my bloated belly seems to be receding quickly. I plan on weighing tomorrow to check on that. I do think that 1.25 grams was what somebody with testosterone and already a decent muscle-y build can really do something with, but for me it's so excessive my body can only try to shove that and all the calories that come with it into fat cells and sigh.

But look what my legs/glutes did with that! I am going to up my weight by 15 pounds next week, because I shouldn't be able to get more than a few past minimum.

Anyways, relieved to be going back to eating in a more normal fashion, for me. A little less fruit and cheese than I would normally eat, and no alcohol all week since Sunday. I am trying to be a good weight crushing kitty.

My Milkshake...

(Image blatantly stolen from The Shaving Grape. Go read his funness.)

I have my own version of a little black dress. It is magical, because I bought it when I was significantly heavier than I am, probably 15 pounds or so, and have worn it at my lowest weight, 10+ below where I am now, and it fits like a dream no matter what. It's a shirt dress with 3/4 sleeves and buttons all the way down the front, but it has a dozen or so rows of cute little square mini pleats, hard to explain, but super artsy and cute, from the waist down. There is a thick elastic belt with a leopard-pattern fabric front and buckle around the waist, placed perfectly. It comes to about mid-thigh on me.

It is one of the only dresses I have ever had that makes me feel like I'm NOT in drag, probably because of the men's shirt styling up top. It makes me look and feel svelte and sexy. It covers the loose skin on my arms, fits really nicely across the chest, shows off my hourglass figure, my relatively thin upper body, my new waistline, and forgives the all the sins below. Every person who wears dresses ever should be blessed with a dress like this.

I used to insist on wearing a black pencil skirt beneath and the front buttons at the bottom unbuttoned, because a) that makes it look a little more artsy but mostly b) I was so insecure about my legs. But my last round of weight loss made a significant difference in my legs, from mid-thigh down, fortunately for me. I am shocked at how tiny and cute they appear, from mid-thigh down, at least. I haven't even posted a pic of myself on this blog since that round, because I just haven't found one I loved. But I am happy about this.

The other night we had a First Thursday event for a friend in Pioneer Square and then another friend's birthday party at a popular Capitol Hill club where each of the three different floors are totally geared towards a different crowd, from House to Goth-y to hipster, making it a weirdly eclectic place to visit. I paired that dress with a really cool spiral steel necklace on a black suede lace around my neck, a chunky steel link bracelet, shiny gunmetal stockings and black tall boots with a hint of light tan fur lining that matches the lightest color of the leopard skin belt. I felt all Va-Va-Voom. And I DID NOT, for the very first time ever, wear a skirt underneath. I left those legs out there, for all to see.

All I gotta say is, I never lacked for company all freaking night. Random dudes struck up conversations with me, at both events, on every floor of that club, too. An acquaintance went openly gaga over me, which really raised eyebrows around our table. A different guy, super-cute newly-divorced weightlifting martial arts dude talked to me for hours. I'm not saying I was necessarily being hit on (well, except for the one acquaintance dude, who actually used a PICKUP LINE on me. Har.) But I am not used to people I don't know or know well, kind of pursuing me around the club for attention. Don't worry, I made time for my friends. But I get the feeling that I must be doing something right, if you know what I mean.

This helped me realize that even if I HAVE gained a little fat, maybe the weightlifting this is giving me some excellent other benefits. Maybe I look more athletic, or am exuding a new confidence. It just made me feel good to get that attention, though I know it's much more important that I value myself, from the inside out.

On another milkshake topic, I am struggling with the protein powder thing. I have been gaining  fat along with my muscle, and am trying to fine-tune the diet to figure out why. Subbing beans out for some of the fattier protein so far isn't helping. In fact, I think my weight gain has accelerated. Beans get two more days, and then out they go, unless my weight suddenly plunges. But I'm also worried it's the protein powder.

I haven't been feeling so hot, and in fact have had a lot more inflammatory issues going on. A is also gaining weight and not feeling so hot, either. I read a LOT of information about the controversies involving protein powder manufacturing. Mostly that unless done extremely carefully and more importantly, expensively, the protein becomes de-natured and can cause excito-toxin issues, which do cause inflammatory symptoms in me. Poop! I want to do the right thing, and I am so at sea here. I have immediately cut the protein powder, but I need lean protein, and the lean protein options I have are shrinking quickly. The protein powder/almond milkshakes are out. :( We are gonna most likely going to cut the beans, will cut a lot of fat coming up, and are going to stop drinking for a few weeks (after tonight's prescheduled bowling and fried chicken date with friends) to see if that helps at all. Wish us luck!