You're Doing It Wrong...

I have lost over 130 pounds, at the moment, counting recent slight regain (hopefully some of it muscle, as I am now lifting 1.5 - 2x what I was a month ago, overall.) I have fought my way, tooth and nail down from morbid obesity to slightly overweight. I know that the vast majority of people who lose large amounts of weight regain it, and then some. So I am paying lots of attention to other successful people's blogs, other success stories on the web. I need to focus, to plant my feet firmly in the grass, and hope to learn from others what works for them, choosing what makes sense for me.

I am noticing a disturbing trend recently. Many of these successful individuals, on a regular basis, point to other people's blogs, to their attitudes, beliefs, struggles, or to the myriad ways to lose weight, maintain or become more fit and say "You're doing it wrong!" This is disheartening to me.

Why? Well, for one thing, I know for a fact that what works for one does not work for another. You can stomp your feet and scream to the sky that your personal experience and/or your chosen brand of science supports this idea. It does not matter how nastily or confidently you state this. My personal experience does not bear this out.

I tried switching out beans for meat protein, for example, eating LESS calories but matching protein amounts and found myself gaining massive fat around the middle, while many people claim that just the opposite happens for them. My friend lost weight doing this, I did not. I was scrupulously honest in my approach. I do not have time to mess around with denial. I wish to change my body composition for the better, and beans did not work. For me.

I lost my weight my own way, a particular method which many people say is wrong. But I'm still here, still ex-obese for the first time in my entire life. I'm still reaching for the body that I want, adapting my lifestyle, working hard. I've seen many people who lost it the "right" way who are struggling, who regained some or all of their weight, and some who did so and disappeared from the blogging world forever and ever. I do not blame them or their methods of losing or maintaining weight. We are all in this together. Sometimes tragedy overwhelms us, or life has a different lesson to teach us just then. I only miss them and wish them well, not feeling any bitterness towards people in those circumstances. I have lost and regained before. I have spun off the track before. I understand how it can go. Many of the greatest success stories have lost and regained before, like Sean from The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser. What matters is that you keep trying.

Another example of "You're doing it wrong" I see a lot is accusing others of a bad attitude. Man, your life is not my life is not his life is not her life. We all need to be supportive of others and understand that they have daily circumstances and life experiences that have shaped them in very different ways than your own. Yeah, there is such a thing as a bad attitude, but pointing to someone or even to people in general and mocking them for their attitude is not going to help, and seems to me the worst attitude of all. Modeling good attitudes, such as finding joy in everyday life, of finding the motivation and strength to live well, of caring for oneself, not tearing down others to make one's self feel better is probably a gazillion times more helpful. Yes, I see the irony here...I'm guilty of criticizing right here and now. But my criticism is of this mean-spirited crap I keep seeing, not the person's own daily struggles. Nobody is always happy/in the groove/motivated. NOBODY.

I accept that each and every one of us has a unique voice, our own way of doing things, methods and struggles and philosophies. What I do not think is constructive is the negativity, the smug know-it-all-ness that points to other people's blogs and says "FAIL." You can choose to blog that way, but I will probably never follow you or un-follow you in the near future. Maybe some people need to hear these negative messages to be motivated, but that's pretty much the opposite of what I've learned about human psychology. It only makes me sick to my stomach when I start to hear that condescension come out. Yet I do see people jumping in together to be nasty, to point to others and mock. It feels so...high school. It feels like a failure to evolve.

I am inspired by other people's inspiration. That's what I find infectious. When they eloquently state what got them going, what keeps them going now, despite all odds. When they celebrate their victories, their beautiful transformation. When they speak honestly about their own struggles, or even when they struggle with their own honesty but keep talking about it. Who amongst us doesn't deceive ourselves, from time to time? No matter what methods each of us choose about eating and exercising and living life, we all have things we can learn from one another. We can support one another. It doesn't mean that we endorse that other person's particular method, that our own is invalid. Your own success and joy and light will attract far more converts to your way than "You're Doing It Wrong" could ever hope to. I would hope.

My Milkshake...

(Image blatantly stolen from The Shaving Grape. Go read his funness.)

I have my own version of a little black dress. It is magical, because I bought it when I was significantly heavier than I am, probably 15 pounds or so, and have worn it at my lowest weight, 10+ below where I am now, and it fits like a dream no matter what. It's a shirt dress with 3/4 sleeves and buttons all the way down the front, but it has a dozen or so rows of cute little square mini pleats, hard to explain, but super artsy and cute, from the waist down. There is a thick elastic belt with a leopard-pattern fabric front and buckle around the waist, placed perfectly. It comes to about mid-thigh on me.

It is one of the only dresses I have ever had that makes me feel like I'm NOT in drag, probably because of the men's shirt styling up top. It makes me look and feel svelte and sexy. It covers the loose skin on my arms, fits really nicely across the chest, shows off my hourglass figure, my relatively thin upper body, my new waistline, and forgives the all the sins below. Every person who wears dresses ever should be blessed with a dress like this.

I used to insist on wearing a black pencil skirt beneath and the front buttons at the bottom unbuttoned, because a) that makes it look a little more artsy but mostly b) I was so insecure about my legs. But my last round of weight loss made a significant difference in my legs, from mid-thigh down, fortunately for me. I am shocked at how tiny and cute they appear, from mid-thigh down, at least. I haven't even posted a pic of myself on this blog since that round, because I just haven't found one I loved. But I am happy about this.

The other night we had a First Thursday event for a friend in Pioneer Square and then another friend's birthday party at a popular Capitol Hill club where each of the three different floors are totally geared towards a different crowd, from House to Goth-y to hipster, making it a weirdly eclectic place to visit. I paired that dress with a really cool spiral steel necklace on a black suede lace around my neck, a chunky steel link bracelet, shiny gunmetal stockings and black tall boots with a hint of light tan fur lining that matches the lightest color of the leopard skin belt. I felt all Va-Va-Voom. And I DID NOT, for the very first time ever, wear a skirt underneath. I left those legs out there, for all to see.

All I gotta say is, I never lacked for company all freaking night. Random dudes struck up conversations with me, at both events, on every floor of that club, too. An acquaintance went openly gaga over me, which really raised eyebrows around our table. A different guy, super-cute newly-divorced weightlifting martial arts dude talked to me for hours. I'm not saying I was necessarily being hit on (well, except for the one acquaintance dude, who actually used a PICKUP LINE on me. Har.) But I am not used to people I don't know or know well, kind of pursuing me around the club for attention. Don't worry, I made time for my friends. But I get the feeling that I must be doing something right, if you know what I mean.

This helped me realize that even if I HAVE gained a little fat, maybe the weightlifting this is giving me some excellent other benefits. Maybe I look more athletic, or am exuding a new confidence. It just made me feel good to get that attention, though I know it's much more important that I value myself, from the inside out.

On another milkshake topic, I am struggling with the protein powder thing. I have been gaining  fat along with my muscle, and am trying to fine-tune the diet to figure out why. Subbing beans out for some of the fattier protein so far isn't helping. In fact, I think my weight gain has accelerated. Beans get two more days, and then out they go, unless my weight suddenly plunges. But I'm also worried it's the protein powder.

I haven't been feeling so hot, and in fact have had a lot more inflammatory issues going on. A is also gaining weight and not feeling so hot, either. I read a LOT of information about the controversies involving protein powder manufacturing. Mostly that unless done extremely carefully and more importantly, expensively, the protein becomes de-natured and can cause excito-toxin issues, which do cause inflammatory symptoms in me. Poop! I want to do the right thing, and I am so at sea here. I have immediately cut the protein powder, but I need lean protein, and the lean protein options I have are shrinking quickly. The protein powder/almond milkshakes are out. :( We are gonna most likely going to cut the beans, will cut a lot of fat coming up, and are going to stop drinking for a few weeks (after tonight's prescheduled bowling and fried chicken date with friends) to see if that helps at all. Wish us luck!

Crisis Perspective

Just got off the phone with my sister, who is visiting my Grandma. Things are very bad, and not just my Grandma's health.

Someone at that home is a physically abusive drunk who beat a child in front of my sister, and attacked her when she intervened.

The cops were called but NEVER CAME. The father of the child, who lives at that house and has sole custody of the child never came home all night, but showed up in the morning and took the child to school. The school called and said he has head injuries. The father disappeared again and never materialized to take the child home. His sister, a good and reliable but busy person, is going to pick up the child instead. My sister has to get on a plane. No one who was witness to this will be there to make reports, talk to authorities, tell them what was witnessed except my Grandma, who is in and out of lucidity, and probably won't report. My sister can't afford to stay anywhere, she's unemployed and can't change her ticket. She's up for some jobs and has interviews. She needs to return home.

But that drunk abusive person is in charge of taking care of my Grandma. That drunk abusive person is left to watch my little cousin while his Dad is out all night at the bar and going home with strange women.

I am furious and devastated. My own childhood abuse is flooding back over me. I am so angry and overwhelmed.

I had already made arrangements to fly out in a week with A and my other sister. I think that drunk abusive person needs to go to jail and someone else needs to be looking after my Grandmother. I think my little third cousin needs to be in a safe place with someone who cares for him properly. I don't know what I can do from here. But I am so upset. I don't know what to do when I do get out there. Add to this that there's ANOTHER close relative involved who has caused me to fear for my safety for my entire life. I don't know how to stay safe and help everyone involved become safe.

This is a nightmare I had mostly avoided for 30 years. My stomach hurts. I feel so helpless.

No matter how much you avoid your problems, they don't go away on their own. I finally manage to overcome my fears enough to do something that I feel is right and good, and now I have to face all the demons all over again, it would seem. I want to help my Grandma and this little kid. It puts my own problems in life in perspective, that's for sure. I want to lose 10 more pounds, waah waah waah.  Oh I don't want to go off my diet early, boo fucking hoo.

Well, I'm going off my strict diet regimen and going to the midwest in a week. I'm sucking up my fears and going to deal with the situation. See my grandmother and tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry it took me this long to come say that. That my fear of that OTHER relative kept me from contact. Get her to safety, if possible. Get that child to safety if possible. Do some fucking battle.

Wish me luck.