View from the Ledge

I've always been drawn to the mountains. My early years were spent in northern Indiana, a fairly flat place, but with its own cool stuff like the Lake Michigan sand dunes rolling along the inland sea. But my family criss-crossed the country on vacations as I grew up, visiting relatives, exploring far-off places. The oceans, deserts and plains all have their unique appeal, but it's been the mountains that have always blown me away. I will never forget the first time, at age 8, that I was faced with the unbelievable scale of Mount Rainier hanging over the landscape, as though a second behemoth moon were rising from behind the horizon. That awe truly has never faded for me. There are so many options for mountain exploration in the Pacific Northwest. When my family moved here, I landed in a bit of paradise.

I have struggled with my health and weight all of my life. But my love for the mountains and my burning desire to explore eventually pushed me out there as a young adult. When I worked at a daycare and A worked in fast food, we saved our pennies, bought a run-down Ford Econoline van from a dude in a Safeway parking lot and started driving off into the wilderness. At first we just drove to pretty places, but we did begin to hike, occasionally, in a few settings that called to me such as Sunrise trails on Mt. Rainier. My general health issues, arthritis and obesity did not allow us to get far very fast, but we continued to push and push. It might take hours and enormous effort to make it to the top of the trail, and we might be the last people off the mountain, but we went anyway, and saw the most amazing things, even if what I could do was limited. We walked back in the dark, exhausted, in pain but triumphant, seeing things that other day hikers usually didn't get to because they were always off the mountain before twilight. You can see pictures of me doing this at my heaviest, right here on this page.

I am much more capable and enthusiastic in my exploration, these days. This year has been the most amazing, so far. Though I am currently heavier than my lightest, I'm guessing by 12 or more pounds - I'll talk about that more below - the hiking has been mostly easier than ever before. We have been doing a conditioning hike of some sort every day for the past month, with the goal of getting in good enough shape to be able to qualify for next winter's Alpine Scramble course at The Mountaineers so that we can make Camp Muir safely next summer. 

According to the brochure: "A rough measure of adequate conditioning is the ability to hike Mount Si, from the trailhead to the base of the Haystack with a full pack (20-30 lbs.) in 2—1/2 hours or less." I have never even attempted Mt. Si, to date. Mt. Si is a 3150 foot elevation gain, 8 mile round trip, and relentlessly steep. A tough goal, but I believe this to be doable, in this time frame, for the first time in my life. Camp Muir is at roughly 10,000 feet, halfway up Mt. Rainier from the Paradise visitor's center, and you must cross a treacherous snowfield to get there (which is why the Alpine Scramble course training is essential). You can see where it should be from the top of the Skyline trail. I have always dreamt, figuratively and literally of being way up there on the shoulder of Rainier, but the only way to get there is to hike, 4,000 feet of elevation gain in 4 miles. So we are conditioning, little by little.

This last weekend we hiked to Rattlesnake Ledge, another nearby beautiful Cascades hike, less steep but a decent challenge at 1200 feet elevation gain in just under 2 miles. The reward at the end is to step out onto a bare rock "ledge" that is more like a needle, 1500 feet up with views over the lake that you start out at far below, green pine valleys and the snow-dusted peaks beyond. We took that hike last July for the first time. It was a muggy hot day, so that may have  slowed us down. But it took us a few hours, with lots of stopping, and we were WRECKED. This year, admittedly on a slightly chilly but sunny day, it took us an hour! We played tag with a group of twenty-something kids while we took turns resting, (way less this time, though!)  and made it up in the same amount of time as they did! We passed other people who looked younger and thinner, struggling along the trail. This has NEVER happened for me before. Never. 

We ate our apple and almonds snack while admiring the vast landscape stretched out below the ledge. Afterwards, we attempted to go further up the trail and see how far we could make it up Rattlesnake Mountain, toward the East Peak, which is a much steeper climb. But just a few yards past the ledge the trail was covered in a deep mushy sludge of snow, impossible to walk in without crampons and freezing without proper gear. Here's me on that section looking goofy and cold:

I'm glad that we didn't continue much farther, actually, because while I wasn't feeling any pain at the time, I was disablingly sore for several days after in the hips. I still haven't discovered what the problem is there. I've decided to try taking digestive enzymes with and outside of meals, as some people have suggested may help if the hip problem is bursitis. I'll let you know how that goes.

All in all, that hike was glorious and really made me feel good about my progress and what I'd like to accomplish. I think a steady diet of weight training and walking has done me worlds of good. Especially doing the Occam's Protocol (from the 4 Hour Body), with super-heavy (but calibrated) lifting to failure. My legs are so much stronger, which apparently makes a giant difference in pushing myself up that mountain. It makes all kinds of sense, yet I never thought of that! I thought hiking was all about conditioning. Now I'm realizing that the benefits of lifting heavy things are much much more than getting giant biceps.

Yesterday we completed Occam's Protocol week 5, with the chest and leg press workout (B). We'd had to push workouts back in the past few weeks due to travel and post-hike soreness. It turns out that it had been 2 weeks since the last workout B. I only upped my inclined chest press 5 pounds instead of 10 as suggested, and I still UTTERLY failed to get minimum reps in, 3.5 instead of 7, but I held the failure and am hoping for better next week. However, I KILLED the leg press again. I got up to 150 pounds, for 15 reps to failure (5 past minimum). That's 50 pounds more than I began lifting 5 weeks ago, for a fifty percent increase in strength! Yaaaay! So, I'm making great strides towards functionality. I'm getting to do the things I've always dreamt of doing. These are thing that make life good.

I haven't been losing weight. I'm fairly sure I've been gaining. Yeah, some muscle, definitely. Also some fat, certainly. My clothes are not fitting right. I can't wear my fanciest duds that I just bought a few months back. I have to eat a lot of protein for the heavy bodybuilding routine, and just have NOT figured out how to make it happen without getting fatter. I'm trying not to freak out. I can't let myself gain too much. I won't go back to obesity. But I'm going to have to hit the brakes. 

This particular routine is over in a week. The plan is to switch to a fat-burning protocol with more functional free-weights, specifically the kettlebell. So I'm hoping that my metabolism picks up and I can keep stepping up the conditioning hikes, tighten the diet since I won't be bulking.

Why don't I know what I weigh? What I don't want to do is walk around in a state of neurotic freakout. A year ago, I would have. I would have weighed myself obsessively. I would have freaked out and let it get me down. Right now I have plenty of other stressors on my plate. But I also have a plan. I am active, and I am not going crazy with the eating. So I've decided to back off from the scale until I switch routines. Spending my mental energy to take care of and enjoy myself in the meantime.

Lastly, I am thinking that I just may be entering Peri-menopause. Yeahhhh. It's kind of hard to believe. You're soldiering along, finally getting a handle on life, and suddenly, boom, you're old. But I have a plethora of symptoms cropping up, everything from hot flashes, night sweats to the fact that my period is 5 days late now. Which NEVER happens. And uh no, not pregnant. There are other details, which I will spare. But also...the growing belly fat is another sign that LOTS of women complain of. There is a chance that this is the case with me, and that it has crept stealthily in during this whole weight-loss process. This is really bugging me, in case you can't tell. I'm trying to get zen about it. It happens to all of us. It's not the end of the world. I guess it just feels like an uphill battle at times. I had a nice figure, for JUST a second. Hopefully I will get it back again. 

If not, well, the world is big and beautiful. And there are still mountains to climb. The view from this ledge is pretty great. But I will go higher.

Shoulders Pressed! Success!

Okay, today was upper body super fantastic lift heavy things day! (Otherwise known as Ocaam's Protocol Workout A from the 4 Hour Body book, by Tim Ferriss.) Previously, in last week's upper body super fantastic lift day, I failed to meet my minimum reps (one rep or less than 7) for the ever dreaded shoulder press, by half a freaking rep, at 40 pounds. It was the first time I didn't make the minimum. Though this sort of thing is not unexpected, especially at such a low starting weight, and there's a whole procedure to follow based on that.

Tonight I was filled with nervous anticipation as to whether or not I'd be able to hit minimum reps at the same weight. Would failing last week doom me to failing this week? Does lifting to failure always spur significant muscle gain?

So today I set it at 40 and tried again. I got there, but JUST...7.5 reps, to be exact! Hurray! This is TWICE the weight I first lifted to failure just over three weeks ago! Fantastic.

The fact that I got there this week really speaks to me about the incredible efficiency of this workout. ONE set of 7+ slow (5 count up/5 count down) lifts to absolute shaking groaning shuddering failure, with slow lowering of the weight even after that, plus adequate protein intake and rest, CAN spur a shocking amount of strength/muscle gain.Things only the weightlifters know, I guess!

Pounded the pull-down, 100 pounds x 11.5 reps today! I should be doing 120 by the end of the six weeks I set out for myself. I know these weights are still weenie in the weightlifting world, but for me, excellent real progress. I dicked around in the weight room for so long without every actually making any progress, so this is AWESOME.

It's hard to not to want to keep going, but I really want to switch to a more functional/fat burning fitness routine for a little while, that still uses weight training but involves MORE ACTUAL EXERCISE. Don't get me wrong, after we do our two lifts plus the abs, we are very tired and very hungry. It's hard work! But lifting a little bit twice a week, plus whatever walking we do is building muscle but not much functionality, nor are we losing fat. I chose this way to try and add a bunch of muscle very quickly. 

Just over halfway through, I can see a big difference.  My calves are getting definition. My biceps are insane. I can lift to failure much more than previously. It is totally, totally working.Theory is, this will help up my metabolism so that my body is burning more calories all the time, and so that I am stronger and more able to handle a higher level of exercise. Time will tell if this is effective in that regard, too. Mixing it up is supposed to be good for you, and I believe it. I think I'll cycle back to this kind of routine periodically, because it's easy and it's fun and I like getting stronger. Yes indeedy.

Tonight, I also added weights to my myotatic crunches. You do those on a Bosu (half) ball, supposedly more effective than a regular crunch. (I went to look for a video, and couldn't remember the name, put in "metastatic crunch." As in spreading tumors. That did NOT give me the results I was looking for!) I LOVED holding weights for those. I felt like they were getting too easy before. Just little two pound weights, but it kind of felt stabilizing or something. Next time, three pound weights!

As for the planks...weirdly, I could not meet my time from a few days ago! Should we be taking a week off between those, too? We're currently doing them every workout, twice a week. I could only hold my front and side planks for 30 seconds today, and last Wednesday I could do 45! I could only figure the struggle to get to my shoulder press minimum wore me out. Or that we really should rotate something different in instead, every other time. Ferriss suggests we do kettlebell swings every other time, but we're not trained for that. We will not have trainer money until we get back from L.A. and get paid again, three weeks down the road from now. And I don't want to pull my arms out of my sockets by accident so much.

But kettlebell IS next. I feel like a gym grown-up or something. Using the machines where you have to load your own weights on, instead of setting them with a pin, doing planks, using the bosu ball. Next will be swinging kettlebells and maybe even things like deadlifts and squats and pull-ups! Free weight and body weight exercises! Very exciting. Also, they offer a beginner's pilate's class once a week, want to hit that then too. It's a brave new exercise world.

Lastly, the belly roll has officially shrunk some, though the weight has only gone down a little. I feel like I can wear my tight Threadless day of the dead t-shirt again without being too self-conscious. I'm going to carry on with the no-alcohol (except tomorrow is the ONE day off from that, two glasses of wine and a few extra non-starchy carbs for metabolism boost, and all of that is under strict control), low-carb, no dairy, no messing around diet. Today, I decided I'm not losing fast enough and am cutting out nuts for the rest of the week too. L.A. clubbing is arriving too fast! Those skinny bitches will eat me alive! (I kid, it will all be fine.) But I seriously want to go feeling the best I can.

The Fingers You Have Used to Dial...Are Too Fat

So spotty this week! Just busy...including ups and downs.

Downs, I think, include my weight. I have not actually weighed, because it was getting neurotic. Clothes are BEGINNING to look a little better though.

Also downs include mood, though that was temporary. I am struggling on how to deal with alcoholic borderline/narcissistic personality close relative. They call me out of desperate need for emotional support every once in a while, though we used to be very close. For an hour and a half, we'll be having the best conversation, reconnecting, where I actually think I see a breakthrough in attitude. Suddenly, they seize on to some neurotic crazy notion that puts the locus of control back outside of themselves. This becomes a way to blame their problems on somebody else. Then they say something horrible to me, putting me on the defensive. I say something I am unhappy about (but is the truth), they get mad and hang up on me. Par for the course. I know that this can happen, any time I pick up the phone for them. I can't bring myself not to pick up the phone every once in a while. Still sad as hell, and brings me waaaaaaaay down, no matter how hard I try to tell myself that it's not my fault and I'm not responsible for the crazy. I do need to work on not becoming defensive in the face of it. That was yesterday, and it hurt a lot. Ah, well. I am starting to feel better again.

Power button broken on phone, an original Droid, which is also malfunctioning in 8 different other ways. Just passed my 2 year minimum on this phone, eligible for another upgrade. Of course the one I just NEED is $300 freaking dollars. A needs one, also, and he NEEDS one like the one I need. His phone is an embarrassment, now that he's going to be representing his company in tech demos and such. And we are paying for another person's phone, and they need a replacement, also. All the research has taken a LOT of time. I want a physical keyboard, but I want really great battery life and 4G LTE Android...so I think I need to give up the physical keyboard idea because the best thing out there for me is the Razr Maxx. But virtual keyboards slow me down and drive me crazy. Either I emanate a static force field the likes of which has been yet unimagined (possible), OR my fingers are too fat and I need a dialing wand. Thank you, Simpsons, for permanently placing that image in my head. A is forcing me to march down there and pick one out today, in any case.

Session 3 of Workout B, Occam's Razor, complete (as of Tuesday)! Again, JUST missed my minimum 7 reps for the Inclined Chest Press, 5.5 reps to failure at 40 pounds, but CRUSHED the leg press for 18.5 reps to failure at 120, with the minimum reps being 10! My legs are a teensy bit sore, but really not bad. Just like my workout A this time, my weakest muscles did NOT gain 100% in strength in two weeks flat, shockingly. But almost!

I am very convinced that if your lift starts at 20 lbs, then tiny kitten muscles that they are, you are NOT going to be able to double that muscle size in two week's time no matter how much protein powder you shovel in your piehole. And I have stopped shoving so much into my piehole! I just couldn't sustain it. I cut those beans out, cut my intake to 1 gram of protein per lb. of lean body weight, and my bloated belly seems to be receding quickly. I plan on weighing tomorrow to check on that. I do think that 1.25 grams was what somebody with testosterone and already a decent muscle-y build can really do something with, but for me it's so excessive my body can only try to shove that and all the calories that come with it into fat cells and sigh.

But look what my legs/glutes did with that! I am going to up my weight by 15 pounds next week, because I shouldn't be able to get more than a few past minimum.

Anyways, relieved to be going back to eating in a more normal fashion, for me. A little less fruit and cheese than I would normally eat, and no alcohol all week since Sunday. I am trying to be a good weight crushing kitty.

The Gun Show

Pew! Pew!

FYI: I am being very brave here. I hate pictures of me, and I HATE my arms, especially the batwing phenomenon. There is some extra fat, but a lot of the yucky stuff near my underarm is very thin loose skin. All that being said, I want to show you something about what is happening as a result of the heavy weightlifting routine. Anyways, please be kind, I know the loose skin/fat factor is a little gross. I do know that losing more fat will help. More about this, below.

Workout A number 3 (of 6) of Occam's Protocal (from "The 4 Hour Body") last night: Overhead Supinated Pull Downs, Shoulder Press, Myotatic Crunches, Front Planks, Side Planks. Halfway through Occam's Workout A! Results: I absolutely KILLED the pull-downs. I think I got 11.5 reps to failure (more than half a set extra than the 7 minimum!) at 90 pounds, 10 pounds more than last week. Amazing!

The shoulder press, on the other hand, absolutely killed ME. Bumped from 30 to 40 this week, as instructed, but only made it to 5.5 reps, more than 1 less than minimum. Ferriss says that's a stall. If it had been on my first exercise, he would have wanted me to pack it up, take a whole day off, then try again the following day after that. But it wasn't, so I completed my workout. Since I failed to hit my minimum reps for that one, I'm to try that weight again next week. A also struggled to get his minimum reps in for that one, but he did.

Shoulder press is a bitch. It's my least favorite machine, as I may have mentioned in the past. I think those are my weakest muscles, out of all. I don't know why. Guess I don't lift many extremely heavy things straight up over my head. But I can see why I should do this one. It works the trapezius and also, most importantly for me, the triceps, which will continue to fill in the loose skin under my arms. I can actually see this happening! When I hold my arms up, bent at the elbow, all kinds of loose skin hanging there, plus some fat, which, if I lose that, is supposed to help that skin continue to shrink, at least a little. When I flex, the triceps really fill in! While I am under no illusion that this will totally eliminate the loose skin issue, hopefully this means that mine will actually fill in enough to not have to flex to see it, eventually. Here is a side by side comparison with NOT flexing on the left, obviously:

As you can see, I suck at holding the camera straight and had to rotate in photoshop. Ignore my purple shower and dirty mirror. But, you can hopefully also see how the tricep is coming into play here. I can see it a little on the non-flexed pic for certain, but flexed, woohoo! Mama said knock you out! It's a punchy muscle, to be sure!

But back to failure to reach my minimum reps on the shoulder press. According to Ferriss: "If you complete your required minimum of reps, add 10 pounds or 10% of the total weight in the subsequent workout, whichever is greater." Also from the book:

"What if I don't make the target number of repetitions?
This means one of two things: either you didn't stimulate growth mechanisms (insufficient failure during the last workout), or you haven't recovered (insufficient rest/food.)"

Okay, that might be well and dandy if you're lifting, say 85 pounds. But what if you started with 20, moved up to 30 the next week, and now you're scheduled for 40, as was the case for me. This is far, FAR more than 10% increase in strength required to push that amount of weight. In fact, I'm now attempting to press DOUBLE what I was pressing two weeks ago. Requiring 100% strength gain in two weeks. More than I would reasonably expect, no matter how bodaciously efficient your program claims to be.

So, okay, I'll just try again with the same weight next week. But I'll have to figure out what needs to happen if I fail again. I know I'm eating proper amounts of protein, and I don't think I'm having absorption problems. I got lots of rest, probably too much, lol. I am doubting it's recovery time increasing this soon. In fact, I just added an extra day in, as directed, after the completion of the second set of A and B workouts.

However, I think there MAY be a Double X factor, here. I know he says EVERYONE should be getting massive strength/muscle gains, to the tune of 2.5 pounds of new muscle a week (which I still find insane!) But does this really happen for women? While I am absolutely convinced weight training is a great thing for me to do, that I take to it naturally, that I may even put on bulkier muscle than most women, due to my documented sky-high DHEA levels (probably leading to downstream elevated androgens, though my testosterone level was totally normal for my gender), I have to wonder if this isn't a bit unrealistic in pace for me.

Though I have little patience for squeamishness over facts of life discussion, especially regarding those that affect roughly half or more of us, those of you who care not or are grossed out by the very idea that women have weird things happening in their bodies that you don't wish to understand, run away with your hands over your ears. Gone? Good.

This also begs the question - does time of the month have any effect on lifting ability? Did a little reading, many mainstream women's health articles gloss right over this. I think, sometimes, they worry that they will contribute to the idea that women are incapable and bad athletes because of inconsistency, yadayadayada. Nonsense. This article, however, was extremely useful:

Planet Estrogen Part 3: The Menstrual Cycle and Athletic Performance

There were many findings of note...that there's not been enough study done to begin with, being a large one. But, fatigue, lifting power, and joint mobility have been found to be affected by cycle, both by some studies and anecdotally. So much so that many coaches use a timed cycle approach. I won't quote the particulars, very long and technical, but the practical conclusions are clear. I will quote this:

"A coach who trains women for powerlifting related to me that he reduces intensity and volume during the week before and a few days into menstruation. He integrates low rep sets or decreases the weight load in order to compensate for increased fatigue and to preserve joint integrity.'

Of course, we know that hormones matter a LOT for performance in men, why wouldn't our monthly hormone fluctuations affect us? It seems to matter how powerfully you fluctuate. Mine are pretty bad, though they have gotten better with bio-identical progesterone cream made from mountain yams for the last half of my cycle. However...the article highlights that though the findings are confused, generally the first few days are the worst for fatigue and joint issues. That may explain my early failure, especially since this was the SECOND lift to failure of two for the day, first day of my cycle. I had never really noticed a difference in the gym til now, but I never attempted lifts to true failure before, either. I calibrated that beginning weight mid-cycle, at what turns out by some studies to be at the peak of my max strength. Hmmmm. Anyways, I'm keeping a weightlifting journal, so hopefully this will help me understand over time.

Quick Beany update - 24 hours later, no gas, no rumbling, no pain! This is revelatory! I can tolerate beans, it would seem! At least with cumin and vinegar added. I ate them twice yesterday. I definitely stayed full all day and no longer craved fruit. This morning, black eyed peas, sun-dried tomato chicken sausage, half a small-ish avocado. Black eyed peas need salt, otherwise bleah! I ended up adding a lot of pink salt, then they were the yum.

Somehow my weight has not magically dropped during the last 24 hours. In fact, it's up. But, ladies, you know you should really never weigh yourself during the first few days of your hormonal cycle. Men, you shouldn't either. If you're having one. It could happen. JK. Anyways, also, post heavy-lifting, also not so much, for water retention. So, I'll try to remain calm. And carry on...lifting heavy things!

Pew Pew!

Beans, beans, the magical fruit?

Ok, so I really want to try and cut down on the burgeoning belly fat. Last night I went out, and my poor fancy shirt's buttons were shuddering under the strain of it al. This new gain is bumming me out. Gonna go whole hog on the Slow Carb, from Tim Ferriss' "4 Hour Body", instead of half-assing it. No more fruit/nuts/cheese except Saturday Cheat Day, as is prescribed. And now, checking to see if, as Ferriss claims, beans is the magic key to unlocking success with this new diet.

Added beans into my daily dietary mix this morning. A and I shared a can of black beans from Trader Joe's along with our sausage.

Considering how much gastrointestinal distress they have caused me in the past, I realized I had forgotten to procure any bean digestive aids along the way. Ferriss recommends rinsing the canned beans to get rid of the oligosaccharides that are soaked out in the liquid, but I like the liquid from black beans. I remembered reading somewhere that there were some food ingredients you could add to beans to help digest the oligosaccharides. A quick google search lead me to Wikipedia, of all places:

"Many edible beans, including broad beans and soybeans, contain oligosaccharides (particularly raffinose and stachyose), a type of sugar molecule also found in cabbage. An anti-oligosaccharide enzyme is necessary to properly digest these sugar molecules. As a normal human digestive tract does not contain any anti-oligosaccharide enzymes, consumed oligosaccharides are typically digested by bacteria in the large intestine. This digestion process produces flatulence-causing gases as a byproduct.^[12][13] This aspect of bean digestion is the basis for the children's rhyme "Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit".

So THAT would explain my extreme stomach discomfort and gas with both beans and anything cruciferous. I had to stop eating broccoli for many years. Also, I always remembered that rhyme as "Beans, beans the MAGICAL fruit." Am I mistaken? Skipping down:

"In many cuisines beans are cooked along with natural carminatives such as anise seeds, coriander seeds and cumin. Other strategies include soaking beans in water for several hours before mixing them with other ingredients to remove the offending sugars. Sometimes vinegar is added, but only after the beans are cooked as vinegar interferes with the beans' softening."

Score! I rifled through the spice cabinet (yes, a whole cabinet devoted to spices, haha!) and found the cumin, tossing in generous amounts. Threw in a few capfuls of apple cider vinegar. Stirred and tested...Tasty! It's been about 3 1/2 hours, now...so far, so good! Stomach not rumbling, no gas pain. Knock on wood! And they taste really good. Like, too good to be good for me good. Let's hope not.

Beans are, by nature, starchy. Up til now, I've avoided them for many years, on that basis. I didn't eat them on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet that I followed to fix my gut, successfully, a decade ago. I mostly avoided them on "The Zone," and I lost 80 pounds at that time (before eventually regaining, and then some.) I was told not to eat them on many phases of the HCG diet that most recently dropped me out of obesity. But Ferriss recommends eating them on his Slow Carb Diet, with the theory that they are digested slowly because of all the fiber, thus avoiding spiking the insulin while adding valuable protein. I need protein from less caloric sources than the enormous piles of fatty meat I've been chowing down to meet the Occam's Protocol protein requirements. He also claims they stop hunger, which I think I agree with, so far. Was craving food a LOT before on my half-assed version of Slow Carb, especially fruit. Today, not at all.

I need to add more veggies to the mix, though. I should steam broccoli and cauliflower and things of that sort more often. It's hard for me to picture my salads without the cheese, fruit, nuts, minimal dressing (though I already use dressing with NO sweeteners and fairly low calorie counts, such as Trader Joe's Tuscany Italian). I want like crazy for goat cheese to be okay, buuuuut it's probably not. He says no dairy at all.

I've already cut out the milk I was using for my protein shakes, substituting Trader Joe's unsweetened almond milk instead. Amazingly, it tastes so much less sweet! Apparently I could TASTE the sweetness of the lactose in the whole milk. 13 carbs per cup! The almond milk has 2 grams of carbs, less than 1 of sugar. The downside of this switch, almond milk has 1 gram of protein, vs. 8 grams in whole milk. But 40 calories rather than a whopping 150 per cup in the milk. Sooooo...to comply with Slow Carb and give my waistline a chance, no milk, no cheese (sob!), no yogurt, no fun.

But I should give this a decent shot to see if my waistline comes back under control while I continue trying to gain muscle. Thanks for bearing with my current floundering. So hard to leave a method that worked and find a new way towards my goals. We'll see how this goes!

Planked!

Got busy, but weekend went differently than I had previously imagined.

Occam's Protocol, Workout B number two...Crushed! Another 10% strength gain for both lifts for both of us. Woohoo! I did 1.5 reps and 2.5 reps past failure on my two lifts, again, just about perfect. I am lifting the right amount. We added planks to our ab routine this time! They are tough and I LOVE them. Fun! Weird! I felt like a superhero or something. My whole body shook with effort, but I could do it - 30 seconds each time, front and both sides. Happy times! Brand new muscles accessed, for sure. The leg press, man I tell you. I can see new definition in my calves, I swear it!

Our friend talked us into going to a comedy show , The Humor Program at The Naked City brewpub in Greenwood, rather than sushi post workout as we had planned. The comedy shorts that were part of this show were really excellent, and the show was fun. We had a great time with our buddies. As for food...this was carby cheat day, so...we did! Legitimately. But it was JUST post massive leg-press weight-lifting-to-failure workout. And everyone at the table ordered fries. And I was so hungry. So very hungry. Ate toooooo many fries. Had a great brisket sandwich, baby greens salad, aaaaaand three beers.

Ok, I was supposed to eat carbs and many more calories than usual. So it's not like I was off plan. But we felt really really yucky the next day. Not used to eating like that. At all. And I am still bloated and feel...fat.

However, we eventually pulled our shiznit together and went for a hike on Sunday. A baby-hike, but a hike nonetheless. Wallace Falls State Park, with a series of amazing waterfalls cascading down beautiful craggy and rounded snow-capped mountains. It was, however one of the coldest days here in a while, and it was snowing on us. Oh well! We decided, because of our late start and sore thighs to go up as far as was prudent. We made it up to the middle falls, 4.2 miles round trip, about 800 lil baby feet in elevation. And my hips and knees still hurt on the way back down. Mind you, last summer we were doing almost three times that elevation gain. I am looking forward to hiking without having just crushed my lower half on the press the night before. That's the plan, moving forward. It was so peaceful, though, and beautiful. The trees were covered with a spring green moss that glowed in the sunlight. The river wove back and forth under bridges that the trail crossed over. The snow dusted mountains above framed every view.

In any case, proud of us for getting out there and starting our conditioning hikes, for sticking to the lifting plan, and for being flexible enough to change our plans to include friends and some decent entertainment/art.

I am still struggling with how much/what to eat. In the meantime, eating a lot to get all 150 grams of protein in a day for muscle growth. I think it's working, but yeah...I'm seeing fat gain too. Tomorrow I get to go grocery shopping. I am going to pick up....drum roll please...BEANS! They have been historically problematic for me. But I want to give it another shot, to more closely adhere to the Slow Carb diet. I haven't made it all the way there yet. I should probably cut all fruit, nuts, cheese except cheat day. Eat veggies instead, and lower fat meats. Or not care about the fat gain. Guess I'll keep see-sawing in my attitude until I make up my mind. :)

But overall, I'm happy to be where I am right now. Happy with where I'm heading. I know I'll figure it out. I can't have gotten all the way here without continuing on.

Saturday Cheat Day

Food porn warning! Read at your own peril!

So I'm supposed to cycle carbs in and up my calories one day a week, in order to trick my body into going "Hey! Look at that! We're eating a bunch of rich-ass food! I guess we don't have to hang on to every ounce of fat we're given after all." Why did I write that in plural? Perhaps I was imagining the teeming hordes of my fat cells speaking? Also, psychologically speaking, this seems a sound strategy. Keeps you from exploding into binge-y crazyland. So I sally forth, ready for piggy goodness to ensue. Though practically speaking, going for mostly low-carb-but-carbier-than-allowed-on-other-days options.

Supposed to kick off with protein, so I went straight to the Jarrow Brown Rice Protein Powder and organic whole milk. Trying to use up the last of that milk and switch to something a little less carb-y for future protein powder consumption. Then I made coffee and started cooking my newly discovered Fluffy Coconut Flour Pancakes. Ohhhhhh myyyyyyy! (Yes, you SHOULD imagine George Takei saying this.) They are OBSCENELY delicious. Dare I say, better than wheat flour pancakes? I dare! That is a picture above stolen from the recipe site's page, Nourishing Days. Thank you thank you thank you for this recipe! I got there via a post on Mark's Daily Apple, which is also an awesome site on Primal eating and fitness, which I would say most closely aligns with what want to eat and do for the rest of my life when I am done experimenting with 4 Hour Body stuff. In case you never heard of it.

In my version, I used up more of the whole milk, as I am fresh out of coconut milk, and a tablespoon of honey as the sweetener. Also, I subbed aluminum-free baking powder in for the baking soda by accident, but they were so fluffy and delicious, that is now part of MY recipe. I cut up strawberries and washed some blueberries and heated some honey in a jar in a pan of water to make it extra pourable, and stuck all that plus some grass fed butter on the hot cakes before eating. Also, we had some porkalicious uncured organic sausage. Excellent breakfast achieved.

This all will go pretty well with the heavy lifting scheduled for today, so that we don't bonk. Tonight, we do Workout B numero dos! I am guessing and hoping and begging the universe that without the added stresses of calibration, the leg press won't leave me with a bad case of the Peg Leg for the next few days, like last time. Though again, that got better shockingly fast, compared to the sheer amount of pain I was in (trust me, I'm no pain wimp, either. Kind of the opposite, actually. But I don't want to hurt myself, so I listen to my body!)

SOOOO excited to see what I can lift this week. I really really really hope my legs and chest press are gonna show massive strength gain like Workout A did this week. I haven't been this psyched to go to the gym, um, EVER. Love Occam's Protocol. I know I will need to switch to more functional fitness later, including way more conditioning, but in the meantime, this is really fun.

After the workout? Sushi!!!!! I love sushi, and I never get to have it because of the rice. (Sashimi, while awesome, is just NOT the same.) I love salmon nigiri, ono nigiri, amoebi (raw nigiri with the heads tempura fried separately!), ohitashi, spider rolls. Oh happy day. I am doing the snoopy dance thinking about this. Also, possibly beer. Which I am also crazy for and never get to have. So these are the actual very carby treats that I'm going for today.

Lastly, A and I and a dear friend/roommate have been talking over the issues with gaining muscle and fat gain. While we will try to be careful, maybe add in some more leaner meat meals, and stay off the fruits most days, we've decided we will not kill ourselves to try and lean out during this time period. We're going to try to minimize fat gain, but not freak the F out. I can see I've gained a LITTLE around the waist, too. But I'm not going to risk not putting on enough muscle due to protein deprivation, nor am I going to restrict myself to nothing but bland lean meats and steamed broccoli. I think that mostly staying off fruit, completely staying off sugar and grains and starch 6 days a week is deprivation enough. I am not a fitness model. I am a (semi-) normal human being with a normal weight, trying to gain some muscle for my sports of choice, hiking, scrambling, open water swimming, and continued weightlifting fun times. And to try and up my metabolism, after dieting it into the freaking ground.

After this 6 week period, I will start intense conditioning, lots of hiking and kettlebell swinging and try to cut fat down through diet for a little while. It will be spring. I'm guessing it will come pretty naturally, without having to stuff that much protein down my craw every day.

I know I'm see-sawing a bit here. Hard to overcome that panicky feeling of seeing minor gains after losing so very much weight. Just have to remember, I am WORLDS away from what I used to be, 2 1/2 years ago. For instance, I haul my ass into the gym on a regular basis. I take 4 - 6 mile walks without even thinking twice about it. We don't even have junk food in the house, a fact that lead our roommate to comment on how he's been naturally losing weight because that crap is never around. We cook all of our meals completely from scratch, and naturally reach for meat and veggie options only at restaurants. My ass occasionally fits into single digit clothing (though that is clearly size inflation.) Time to stop freaking out and live.

Warning! Warning! ALA Blood Sugar Disaster!

Yesterday, I bonked. On a gentle walk home from dinner. On the tiny hill blocks away from home. Dizziness, shaking, nausea, complete loss of energy.

The culprit?

I believe it was 2 glasses of red wine + ALA.

ALA is Alpha Lipoic Acid. It's part of a supplement "stack" that I take as part of the 4 Hour Body's recommendations for fat loss/maintenance during Slow Carbing/training. It's actually a really great supplement, and I've used it before. It has all sorts of beneficial effects, as a powerful antioxidant, chelator of heavy metals, increasing glutathione levels naturally, and most interestingly, reducing fat storage/ triggering muscle building/glycogen storage instead. However, and this is important...it lowers your overall blood sugar levels. This can be very handy for diabetics. However, if you aren't eating carbs, and you do other things that cause your blood sugar to crash, for instance DRINK ALCOHOL, and then put demands on your body/blood sugar - you can get into serious trouble. I found a few mentions of this out there, after the fact.

Except for the wine, I had no carbs with dinner. Only small amounts of delicious charcuterie meats and duck confit, a tiny amount of cheese, excellent tasty roast brussel sprouts with bacon and spring greens salad with shaved radish. Oh, and four see-through-thin slices of apple, which tasted amazing with a little lemon-thyme goat cheese. The only other carbs were two glasses of Syrah. A, on the other hand, cheated...he ate some of the bread that came with the meat and cheese, and he was unpleasantly surprised to discover that what he thought was olive oil, after soaking the bread in it, was honey! So he got a good shot of carbs, overall.

The walk to and from this awesome charming North Seattle restaurant is 4 miles, round trip. The last of it is up a small hill. Usually, that ain't nothin to me any more. This time, once I got to the hill, I realized that I felt more and more exhausted, shaky, dizzy. I felt like I would throw up. It hit me like a ton of bricks - this is low blood sugar! I told A, we stopped, and I ate half a Larabar. But I think all the fat and greens fiber in my tummy kept it from hitting my bloodstream very fast. I rested for a minute, then crawled miserably up the hill, clinging to A for dear life.

When I got home, I flopped down on the couch, still shaking violently, still nauseous. I could hardly keep my eyes open, I was so low on energy. A brought me a Zevia cream soda, which has some erythritol, enough sugar to be absorbed quickly. Then he loaded up some peanut butter on my failed chocolate coconut flour cake experiment and a few spoonfuls of apple sauce and brought that out. I ate that, and slowly began to feel okay. When I got the energy to stand, I went and took a bath because my body temperature had dropped and I was freezing.

I bonked. A didn't. A had carbs. I didn't. A drank more alcohol than me, though, to be fair, he is at least 80 pounds heavier or so.

No bueno.

Tim Ferriss, in 4 Hour Body, mentions that he takes these supplements and drinks 2 glasses of red wine most nights. But he is not me. Other people say they have to be careful with it and alcohol. I have a couple glasses of wine 2 - 4 times a week, usually if we are eating out or watching Hoarders, lol. I don't often do a significant amount of exercise after, though. I have decided that if I am going to consume wine AND do anything physical, I will skip the ALA for that meal. I may be taking too much altogether, will revisit that too.

So let that be your lesson folks. Supplements are NOT free of side effects. They can interact with lots of things, including alcohol. Those side effects can be serious! I felt very very ill. If I hadn't had a Larabar handy, I might have fainted or worse. Supplements can be very powerful. Please be careful out there. Watch yourself for signs of side effects when you are taking them. Do a little research about what could happen.

I'm a tiny bit angry at Ferriss for not mentioning such a thing. He does stress that you should make sure you are getting adequate B-vitamins. He doesn't mention specifically that ALA can sap thiamine, especially if you are an alcoholic (which I am not.) And the meal that I ate was rich in thiamine, actually, so I don't think it was that. But ALA IS a powerful regulator of blood sugar levels. And obviously, for me, I was not able to access enough energy to finish my walk without serious consequences.

Okay, gotta get SOME work done this week. Be safe!

Beefcake! BEEFCAAAAKE!

Beefcaaaaake!

Okay, second session of the "4 Hour Body" Occam's Protocol Workout A, done! Arms feel a teensy sore, but this will probably be MUCH worse by tomorrow. :) Though without the calibration overwork of last time, it may not be so bad.

It took NO time at all to get in and out of that gym. None. It seemed ridiculous. Had to resist the temptation to do MORE.

Lifting to failure was crazy, though. Added 10 pounds of weight to last week's weight on both machines. Made it past my minimum reps by like, 1.5 reps, which is totally fine and on track. Means I'm lifting the correct amount. Struggled like a mofo, trying to inch that weight stack up, held that right there as long as I could when it stopped moving upwards, shaking and grimacing, then slowly lowered it. The book says 5 - 10 seconds on the lowering part, which I think I achieved.

So, it's good...I know that I have made significant strength gains because this week. On the shoulder press, I lifted the same weight to failure with significantly more super-slow paced reps than my fast-paced 5-reps-or-less failure weight from last week. On the pull-down, where I was lifting MUCH more weight overall, I again did significantly more super-slow reps at 80% of that previous 5 rep fast-paced failure weight on the other. Proof positive that muscle growth has occurred. Crazy to think I can just keep bumping my weights up 10 pounds or more a week from this tiny amount of lifting!

And I don't hate using the shoulder press now. I used to avoid that one like the plague. I don't know why I hated that lift so much. It just seemed to be my weakest. And now I am already lifting more on that one than I ever used to. Next week, shoulder press 40 pounds! Overhead pull-downs, 90 pounds! I know for your gym rats that is pa-the-tic, but to me it's amazing. Two rounds of this protocol (probably 3 - 4 months worth, though you should break it up) would theoretically put me within reach of enough strength to do actual body-weight chin-ups!

A, on the other hand, was astounding. On the pull-downs, he did 14.5 reps to failure, more than twice the minimum reps. I don't think he realized that what he was doing was too easy. If within the first two reps it feels like you're going sail past your minimum, you're supposed to stop, wait 5 minutes, add 5 - 10 pounds to the already increased weight, and do a single set to failure. Maybe he knows what too easy feels like now. As I predicted, though, I think this means that he's freaking thriving on this protocol. He puts on muscle easy-peasy. I KNEW I could already see a big difference in his arms. He will probably be able to increase his weights 15 pounds a week pretty often.

I've been giving a lot of honest, painful thought to the food thing. Worried about becoming Cartman in the Weight Gain 4000 episode a little bit, here...deceiving myself into thinking that eating this way while only walking and doing minimum lifting per week won't result in fat gain. Poking around the net, re-reading Ferriss' thoughts on the subject.

Should cut down on the overall calories, though I haven't been counting. Probably should stick with full compliance to ONE protocol at a time. Maybe I really can digest beans and tolerate the carbs in them now. Maybe I really should try giving the Slow Carb diet a fair shot. Talking to A about it, he's on board. Gonna switch out the whole milk (now this WAS Ferriss' suggestion, but I think more for people who have trouble gaining on Occam's), for something like unsweetened hemp or So Delicious coconut or almond beverage mixed with my protein powder to cut down on overall calories and carbs. Suck it up and stop eating any fruit/"low carb" (but relatively carby) treats such as chocolate coconut flour cake during the week. Have my glorious cheat day to upregulate metabolism once a week. Buckle the fuck down. Actually put on muscle that you can SEE, instead of becoming a big blob of fat pretending to be doing something healthy, waddling around, crowing about my "progress" when everyone just sees me getting fatter. BEEFCAAAAAKE!

Peg-Leg Update

Okay, no longer peg-legging my way around town, so even though there is still soreness in my left thigh, it is well within manageable post-workout soreness levels, the third day after the overuse injury now. Will still probably bump back leg presses for a day or two to make certain that the muscle is fully recovered, but that's totally fine. Pleased with my speed of healing, based on how painful that was even just yesterday, to be sure!

Going to do Workout A (upper body only) for the second time in a few hours, and I'm really psyched, actually. It will be fun to see if I netted any strength gains since last week. By the monster growth I've seen in my arms, I'm guessing yes! This is the acid test...does this heavy lift to failure minimum rep thing really really work? Can't wait to find out!

Eating protein like a crazy carnivore. My hunger levels have been through the roof. I wonder if my healing overuse injury is begging for more protein than usual. Think I'll go drink another protein powder shake to see if I can quiet the beast for a minute. My weight is slightly up, but Tim Ferriss predicts a 2.5 pound muscle gain per week, minimum, no matter who you are, girl, boy, hard-gainer or not, by following Occam's Protocol, and this gain is just less than that. I am not gonna let the scale freak me out right now. It's not about that. My clothes seem to be fitting the same, except I can see massive muscular gains in my arms, which is crazytown! So time to keep chilling...will re-measure in a week, halfway through the protocol, to see what's happening all over, body composition wise. If the scale is edging up and it's all muscle, that's great. If not, we'll have to revisit diet - see below.

My mood is back up again. It's been mostly crazy up (as has been my libido!) since a few weeks after going back to eating normal amounts of food, taking the AGG/PAG/CQ stack (see previous posts for more info), taking vitamin D again and getting exercise. It's very hard to tease out exactly what is helping, but I'm glad something is.

I know this morning's rant about angry people seems...angry. I think I overloaded on the toxicity of so much of it at once. It made me kind of nauseous. And again, don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with being angry, even if someone is angry with me! Especially with me. I get angry, everyone does, it's important. It's all in how you deal with it. Do you stew in it, rage with it, take it out on other people? Or do you use it to see something is wrong, state your case, stand your ground calmly and try to negotiate a better life? At least my mood bobbed back up pretty quickly. I just needed to vent and move on. One more thing to remember about how your problems do not magically disappear when you reach a normal weight. In case you didn't know.

Tried on clothes for a second whilst running errands. Simultaneously awesome and depressing. Skinny-fat sucks. I am now so amazingly small, overall, but so...bulgy. I ended up buying nothing. Sometimes clothes look so freaking hot on me, but they really have to be the right ones. I know that now is the time to be patient, gain the muscle that is going to give me more definition and shift my metabolism more to fat-burning. Patience now is key. I may have to stay out of dressing rooms a little longer...

Lastly...I feel a little at sea about my diet right now. I know I need to be taking in 1.25 grams of protein/pound of lean body mass during this massive muscle gain phase. Do I need to be limiting my fats to keep from gaining? So much conflicting information. I'm supposed to be limiting my carbs to near nil except one day a week, and I am, though I am reluctant to completely give up fruit 6 days out the week as Ferriss recommends. I like an apple and almonds as a snack, but it's against my religion, apparently, right now. I am NOT limiting myself to lean protein at all. Eating roast chicken with skin, ribeye steaks, shrimp, salmon, butter, cream, occasional goat cheese. Some people seem to think that will work better for me, some think it's a recipe for disaster. This is kind of hard. Also, tired of severe restriction after many years on and off of that. Guess I just have to experiment and see what happens. Again, starting in April, cutting/functional fitness/more cardio-oriented phase may help tremendously.

Edit - one last thought for the day: I am not a religious-type person, so I was puzzled when I first saw this middle-aged lady crossing the street with what looked like some kind of junk smeared across her forehead. It was the second one that I saw in Target that produced my startling realization that it was in fact, Ash Wednesday, and these ladies were taking it quite seriously, which is cool by me, just not accustomed to it. Right after my revelation, I overheard this kid one aisle over: "She has ice cream on her head!" I totally busted up.

Happy Ice-Cream-Head Wednesday!

The Sorest Loser

Okay, so my last post on super-heavy lifting was a bit...enthusiastic. As was the workout.

I have a bit of an overuse injury in my left leg. A bit, meaning agony in my thigh muscles, both on top and the underside of my left thigh when I walk, especially down stairs, though today this is a little better. I believe it is partly a result of the excessive amount of lifts I did trying during calibration testing to find what my lift to failure in 10+ reps would be for the leg press. I started too low, not believing in my own strength, and as a result, did probably 40+ lifts, including the 8.5 to failure at 70% of my highest weight to failure. And strained my left thigh.

This is not a "true injury". I didn't tear any muscles/ligaments/tendons, damage a joint. I know because besides being incredibly noodly-weak right afterwards, I had no pain. It wasn't until I woke up in the morning that I felt really sore, and it got worse during the day, especially when we foolishly tried to do some hiking uphill. We turned around and went back about a mile and 500 feet of elevation or so into the hike. But I think it was too late not to have exacerbated the situation. I started to walk like a pirate, so I don't think that's good.

My left side is my weak side, and since your legs lift together on the leg press, I forced my left leg to do the same amount of work as my right, over and over. I'm pretty sure that's how that happened. So, since we're following "Occam's Protocol" from Tim Ferriss' "4 Hour Body"', I want to put a caveat in here. Ferris has a whole chapter on "Prehab", things to do BEFORE you start seriously training, including identifying body imbalances and correcting them. Did I do that? NO. No I did not. Because...it involves some very complex maneuvers, again, that probably require a personal trainer's input to master. At least for me.

But lifting weights...I already know how to do that relatively safely, I THOUGHT. Now I know I need to be a bit more careful. I do plan on doing the imbalance correction in the future, when the personal trainer becomes an affordable option (which it should, barring any more emergency trips to the Midwest.)

However...the calibration phase of the workouts is over. I should only be doing one set of 7+ reps per exercise (except 10+ for legs), 2 exercises per session plus abs. Each individual workout of the two is only done about once a week to give adequate time for muscle repair. So I don't fear the overuse injury so much for the next 5 weeks.

And pain is just pain. I know that the best idea is to stay off the leg today, so I am. I will probably do my upper body only workout as scheduled tomorrow, as I am not sore there. And I will bump back Workout B if I am not pain-free by next Saturday, as Ferriss himself suggests. I don't mind muscle training pain, but I do not seek injury.

So today is walk like a pirate day two for me, that's all. If I say "Arrrrrr" from the soreness a few times, that will just add to the magic. As long as it's getting better, I won't be too concerned. Onwards and upwards. Cautiously.

Occam's Protocol

One of my dearest friends bought us a copy of The Four Hour Body, by professional madman, Tim Ferriss. The book is huge, funny and chock full of intriguing life-hacking tips about creating a better physical reality for yourself, everything from losing fat and gaining muscle to better quality sleep and sex. Totally worth owning and experimenting with.

Knowing that my dependancy on HCG is permanently over, I've eagerly seized upon many of Ferriss' recommendations as a path to maintenance and further improvement. I know that if I don't start adopting a new regimen, the future will be a long slow slip back into old habits and my old body. Experience has taught me so.

I've been toying with what techniques to try first. In all actuality, I'd probably do best to try what Ferriss calls the Kiwi's butt-building workout, lol. In all seriousness, this workout regimen that centers around the kettlebell and other functional fitness movements involving free weights and plyometrics (such as the Turkish Get Up - awesome name, right?) is probably the best for me. However, just glancing over what this workout entails, I know that I would be uncomfortable and probably most foolish to try it without the benefit of a personal trainer to show me correct form and approach to these movements without say, ripping arms out of sockets or planting a kettleball in someone's face. But we are so very very broke. Thank you, emergency mid-West trip and drunken Valentymes day shenanigans. Also, and this is sad, my gym appears to NOT stock kettleballs. How can that be, in this elite fitness day and age?

Since I've already paid for this month, and I decided to try something different for at least the next six weeks. I settled on what Ferriss terms "Occam's Protocol." The theory behind this training, like much of Ferriss' book, is maximum results for minimal effort. Efficiency in training. This one in particular focuses on massive muscle gain in a very short time through two half hour sessions a week. That's right, my darlings. Better than any comic book back page ad promise you've ever read!

The secret? Two sessions, spaced several days apart and progressively further as you gain, two different lifts for each session, done to extreme failure. Plus an optional short abs/kettlebell session (IF you have one of those snooty fancy gyms that have them. Apparently. Sheesh!) Plus eating 1.25 grams of protein per lean body mass weight per day.

Just did the first session yesterday. It takes a while  to calibrate your failure weights the first two different workout sessions, so it took longer than the half hour. But I did that for both upper body exercises. Felt like nothing, though I had noodle arms for the rest of the night. Today? I feel my entire upper body beginning to lock up like a seized engine. Oh My God Soreness! I plan to slather on the Arnica gel (the real stuff, not the Homeopathic, you have to search like crazy to find it) like I'm putting out a fire in a minute. Note to self: Do It The Night Before! Though to be honest, soreness has never really bugged me or stood in my way. I really do think I'm gonna like this.

Here's the thing. It's meant to put on MASSIVE amounts of muscle. Up to 2.5 pounds a week! It isn't meant for weight loss. Do I have weight to lose? Totally. Do I care? Hmmmm...

I decided, after looking at many pictures of people my height/weight that those people look far, far more in shape than I, after reducing from Morbidly Obese to JUST barely HWP according to the BMI charts. They don't appear to have my spare tires and bra hanger fat and overall Jellyness. I think I do in fact fall into the "Skinnyfat" category.

In case you've never heard of it, it's definitely a thing. It means that your body composition is still fat for your height, though you weigh what is considered normal. In other words, you are lacking in lean muscle mass and making up for it in fat. I must have lost too much lean muscle mass along the way. With clothes on, people go on and on about how trim I appear to be. Even the owner of the gym, who I have not seen since I lost the last 25 pounds or so, had a shitfit about how skinny I look now. If they saw what I see every day when I am getting dressed, I am sure this would not be so. I am now somewhat compact, but lack most tone and have quite a fatty layer on top. Naked, without Spanx-like garments, I look, as one blogger put it, like a melted snowman - the same shape as before, just much much smaller.

The dieting process has become less and less effective for me. Exponentially so. As it does. Diminishing returns, no matter how strict my living, or educated my eating. Plus, if I keep whittling away, I can pretty much just expect to keep losing fat and muscle together. Getting skinny-fat, but eventually just skinny. That is NOT what I want. Plus, so very tired of deprivation. I want to LIVE. Eat. Move. Enjoy.

So, tired of the diet diet diet phase of living, I have decided instead to build muscle like crazy, in hopes of toning up, then thinning out. Ferriss' prescription should help keep it mostly muscle gain, but I will probably put a little fat on. We'll see. However, the more muscle you put on, the better your metabolism functions. I have read many arguments about this, but I keep seeing better and better studies supporting that building muscles really does support more efficient calorie-burning metabolisms. I will need to track those down and support my assertions, but right now, I am lazily ditching work to write this, so it will have to be later. Suffice to say, I've convinced enough to try, for six weeks at least.

After that, we should hopefully be able to afford personal training and possibly switch gyms to responsible kettlebell-owning establishments. Which makes me sad, because I love my gym, and the owner/manager/whatever he is who is so sweet and makes me feel skinny. I can't use them at home, because I won't go out in the constant grey downpour that is my home to use it, and inside the ceilings are so low to as to be troublesome for my 6'6" fella not to constantly whack a hand on it when carelessly gesticulating. Even I do, sometimes.

So, here's to the first great experiment of how to live without HCG 101. Wish me luck!

Post-Traumatic Trip Disorder

Wow, that was quite a trip. Literally, and figuratively.

I got to see my Grandma again. For that I am eternally grateful. She is in MUCH better shape than my one sister reported, but is very frail and probably not long for this world. She made it abundantly clear that she's ready to go as we were leaving. That has been very rough to process. I've had to grieve many lost years of contact. I'm trying to forgive myself for my phobias, accept that I did what I had to in dealing with an extremely dysfunctional and abusive family, and move forward. It's very painful, but necessary work.

I did not have to deal with the sociopath family member that scares me so, but there was a LARGE chance that he might show up, especially toward the end. The aunt fell down and broke her shoulder. We took her to the hospital, but we had to leave to get my sister to her flight, and he was called. My  sister and I ended up having a panic attack about it, because we were delayed in leaving, and he might show at any moment. We escaped, but I literally had a pounding heart and a near total freak-out.

In other news, the child was not actively abused in front of us, but is sorely neglected and in dire need of people who can care for him the way he needs. My Grandma is too old, the aunt, also too old and grouchy. Still don't know what really happened, many conflicting stories, but I do believe he was abused by that woman. He shouldn't be there. His dad is a total waste of space who pees in buckets in the basement of my Grandma's house where he lives and doesn't help the two old ladies or look after the child at all, except to drop off McDonald's. I heard horrific stories about abuse and near starvation of the child in the past. A and I took him out a LOT, and he responded very well. We are determined to stay in contact and try to help him see that there is more to the world. Let him know that somebody gives a damn about him. A fixed up a dozen things in the house that could have easily been handled by the basement bum. We are pretty angry at him, though I know he had essentially the same story as the child - abused, abandoned, neglected, raised by my Grandma, who was already old then.

So many sad stories. So much pain and loss and cycles of neglect and abuse. My Grandma is so frail and tired and sick. There is more, but I don't want to talk about it here. Suffice to say, the stress level was extremely high. A and I got a chance to decompress by ourselves in Chicago for a day. Nice, but freezing cold. We saw a lone coyote lope along the beach in the middle of the city. We processed and cried and resolved to help however we could. We did see some of the town, and tried to enjoy ourselves a little. But it was a very tough trip. Mostly I am glad that I could bring any peace and joy to myself and my Grandma.

Came home Tuesday night, yesterday and now today, sick as a dog. Fever, head stuffed, nose running, headache, sore throat. No surprises there. Extreme stress, travel, eating sugar and other bad foods, freezing cold temperatures I should have avoided. A made me chicken soup yesterday, the sweetheart.

Food has been the least of my worries. I didn't totally go crazy, and I did NOT overeat, of which I am proud, but I certainly ate many little doses of carbs.  Some because that's what my aunt served us, which would have been rude and awful to turn down. These people have next to nothing. I happened to get my TOM while on the trip, so that made me very hungry, and I craved chocolate. I also ate to comfort myself while trying to process everything, in the airport, and on the way home on the airplane. I ate the crackers that came with the cheese for several meals, half the bread that came with a sandwich in the airport bar that had nothing else, a beer because it was what I wanted, a couple girl scout cookies that A bought, some ice cream at Bonnie Doon's.

I've done much worse in the past, but no excuses. I know what I chose to do. I realize that I have not been respecting Phase 3. But then, this last round was a farce as I am convinced the HCG never kicked in right because my doctor tried to reformulate the dose and it didn't ever seem to stop the hunger or make me feel like I did in the past. I am not worrying about it today. When I am over being sick, back to work. Primal diet, heavy weight workouts, walking every other day. I did take Tim Ferris' 4 Hour Body PAGG and CQ supplement stacks the whole time to try and minimize the damage. Will have to see how that worked, if at all, when I weigh myself. Gonna give it one more day for the water weight to come down, it usually takes at least 2 or 3 days for that to happen post-carbs for me.

Wish I could see my counselor, but that's not until Tuesday. I need to call my Grandma's, talk to the child to let him know we are not abandoning him, let her know we're all right. There are two other fairly stressful family things going on that I need to deal with. I don't think I can talk about them here because of the possibility of who is reading. It's hard, because I'm already so stressed and sick. I want to stop avoiding things, but I don't know what I have the strength to deal with right now. My whole family seems really messed up. I feel like the only one that is functioning even close to normally, except my brother. I am accepting this on a very fundamental level, but it's really fucking sad. I know I have things to grieve, and that stuffing my sad feelings would be bad. But I can't wait until I can feel happy about something again. Right now I feel as though I'm at the stringy end of a long hard winter. Desperate for the spring to bring some light and warmth my way.