View from the Ledge

I've always been drawn to the mountains. My early years were spent in northern Indiana, a fairly flat place, but with its own cool stuff like the Lake Michigan sand dunes rolling along the inland sea. But my family criss-crossed the country on vacations as I grew up, visiting relatives, exploring far-off places. The oceans, deserts and plains all have their unique appeal, but it's been the mountains that have always blown me away. I will never forget the first time, at age 8, that I was faced with the unbelievable scale of Mount Rainier hanging over the landscape, as though a second behemoth moon were rising from behind the horizon. That awe truly has never faded for me. There are so many options for mountain exploration in the Pacific Northwest. When my family moved here, I landed in a bit of paradise.

I have struggled with my health and weight all of my life. But my love for the mountains and my burning desire to explore eventually pushed me out there as a young adult. When I worked at a daycare and A worked in fast food, we saved our pennies, bought a run-down Ford Econoline van from a dude in a Safeway parking lot and started driving off into the wilderness. At first we just drove to pretty places, but we did begin to hike, occasionally, in a few settings that called to me such as Sunrise trails on Mt. Rainier. My general health issues, arthritis and obesity did not allow us to get far very fast, but we continued to push and push. It might take hours and enormous effort to make it to the top of the trail, and we might be the last people off the mountain, but we went anyway, and saw the most amazing things, even if what I could do was limited. We walked back in the dark, exhausted, in pain but triumphant, seeing things that other day hikers usually didn't get to because they were always off the mountain before twilight. You can see pictures of me doing this at my heaviest, right here on this page.

I am much more capable and enthusiastic in my exploration, these days. This year has been the most amazing, so far. Though I am currently heavier than my lightest, I'm guessing by 12 or more pounds - I'll talk about that more below - the hiking has been mostly easier than ever before. We have been doing a conditioning hike of some sort every day for the past month, with the goal of getting in good enough shape to be able to qualify for next winter's Alpine Scramble course at The Mountaineers so that we can make Camp Muir safely next summer. 

According to the brochure: "A rough measure of adequate conditioning is the ability to hike Mount Si, from the trailhead to the base of the Haystack with a full pack (20-30 lbs.) in 2—1/2 hours or less." I have never even attempted Mt. Si, to date. Mt. Si is a 3150 foot elevation gain, 8 mile round trip, and relentlessly steep. A tough goal, but I believe this to be doable, in this time frame, for the first time in my life. Camp Muir is at roughly 10,000 feet, halfway up Mt. Rainier from the Paradise visitor's center, and you must cross a treacherous snowfield to get there (which is why the Alpine Scramble course training is essential). You can see where it should be from the top of the Skyline trail. I have always dreamt, figuratively and literally of being way up there on the shoulder of Rainier, but the only way to get there is to hike, 4,000 feet of elevation gain in 4 miles. So we are conditioning, little by little.

This last weekend we hiked to Rattlesnake Ledge, another nearby beautiful Cascades hike, less steep but a decent challenge at 1200 feet elevation gain in just under 2 miles. The reward at the end is to step out onto a bare rock "ledge" that is more like a needle, 1500 feet up with views over the lake that you start out at far below, green pine valleys and the snow-dusted peaks beyond. We took that hike last July for the first time. It was a muggy hot day, so that may have  slowed us down. But it took us a few hours, with lots of stopping, and we were WRECKED. This year, admittedly on a slightly chilly but sunny day, it took us an hour! We played tag with a group of twenty-something kids while we took turns resting, (way less this time, though!)  and made it up in the same amount of time as they did! We passed other people who looked younger and thinner, struggling along the trail. This has NEVER happened for me before. Never. 

We ate our apple and almonds snack while admiring the vast landscape stretched out below the ledge. Afterwards, we attempted to go further up the trail and see how far we could make it up Rattlesnake Mountain, toward the East Peak, which is a much steeper climb. But just a few yards past the ledge the trail was covered in a deep mushy sludge of snow, impossible to walk in without crampons and freezing without proper gear. Here's me on that section looking goofy and cold:

I'm glad that we didn't continue much farther, actually, because while I wasn't feeling any pain at the time, I was disablingly sore for several days after in the hips. I still haven't discovered what the problem is there. I've decided to try taking digestive enzymes with and outside of meals, as some people have suggested may help if the hip problem is bursitis. I'll let you know how that goes.

All in all, that hike was glorious and really made me feel good about my progress and what I'd like to accomplish. I think a steady diet of weight training and walking has done me worlds of good. Especially doing the Occam's Protocol (from the 4 Hour Body), with super-heavy (but calibrated) lifting to failure. My legs are so much stronger, which apparently makes a giant difference in pushing myself up that mountain. It makes all kinds of sense, yet I never thought of that! I thought hiking was all about conditioning. Now I'm realizing that the benefits of lifting heavy things are much much more than getting giant biceps.

Yesterday we completed Occam's Protocol week 5, with the chest and leg press workout (B). We'd had to push workouts back in the past few weeks due to travel and post-hike soreness. It turns out that it had been 2 weeks since the last workout B. I only upped my inclined chest press 5 pounds instead of 10 as suggested, and I still UTTERLY failed to get minimum reps in, 3.5 instead of 7, but I held the failure and am hoping for better next week. However, I KILLED the leg press again. I got up to 150 pounds, for 15 reps to failure (5 past minimum). That's 50 pounds more than I began lifting 5 weeks ago, for a fifty percent increase in strength! Yaaaay! So, I'm making great strides towards functionality. I'm getting to do the things I've always dreamt of doing. These are thing that make life good.

I haven't been losing weight. I'm fairly sure I've been gaining. Yeah, some muscle, definitely. Also some fat, certainly. My clothes are not fitting right. I can't wear my fanciest duds that I just bought a few months back. I have to eat a lot of protein for the heavy bodybuilding routine, and just have NOT figured out how to make it happen without getting fatter. I'm trying not to freak out. I can't let myself gain too much. I won't go back to obesity. But I'm going to have to hit the brakes. 

This particular routine is over in a week. The plan is to switch to a fat-burning protocol with more functional free-weights, specifically the kettlebell. So I'm hoping that my metabolism picks up and I can keep stepping up the conditioning hikes, tighten the diet since I won't be bulking.

Why don't I know what I weigh? What I don't want to do is walk around in a state of neurotic freakout. A year ago, I would have. I would have weighed myself obsessively. I would have freaked out and let it get me down. Right now I have plenty of other stressors on my plate. But I also have a plan. I am active, and I am not going crazy with the eating. So I've decided to back off from the scale until I switch routines. Spending my mental energy to take care of and enjoy myself in the meantime.

Lastly, I am thinking that I just may be entering Peri-menopause. Yeahhhh. It's kind of hard to believe. You're soldiering along, finally getting a handle on life, and suddenly, boom, you're old. But I have a plethora of symptoms cropping up, everything from hot flashes, night sweats to the fact that my period is 5 days late now. Which NEVER happens. And uh no, not pregnant. There are other details, which I will spare. But also...the growing belly fat is another sign that LOTS of women complain of. There is a chance that this is the case with me, and that it has crept stealthily in during this whole weight-loss process. This is really bugging me, in case you can't tell. I'm trying to get zen about it. It happens to all of us. It's not the end of the world. I guess it just feels like an uphill battle at times. I had a nice figure, for JUST a second. Hopefully I will get it back again. 

If not, well, the world is big and beautiful. And there are still mountains to climb. The view from this ledge is pretty great. But I will go higher.

Horse Wisdom

Appaloosa Horse, from Wikimedia Commons

I made a breakthrough today.

More than three years ago or so, when my life began crashing down all around me, I made a decision to get whatever help I needed to change my life for  the better. I found a skilled counselor who was a great fit, who also referred me to the naturopath that I still work with today. They both helped put me firmly on the path to a happier, healthier life than I had ever dreamed possible. I began the slow process of learning to stop feeling guilty for things I was never responsible for, trying to save people around me and really concentrating on taking care of myself, for the first time in my life. I put a newly developed, potentially life-threatening auto-immune issue into remission. I lost so much weight, it seemed like I had entered a whole different world, based on what I could do, what I saw in the mirror, how the people around me treated me. My paralyzing social anxiety eased to the dullest throb. I learned to really, really enjoy moving my body. Life-tranforming changes, all of them.

What I still had never really found was self-acceptance. Everything I have accomplished, all the things I've mentioned and all the other things I've ever done with my life seem to count for nought to me. I constantly worry if I am a worthwhile human being. I do not believe in my own merit in any realm. I struggle in my relationships, because I don't ever feel confident in my own decisions, values, boundaries. It goes on and on. The bottom line is, I never have been able to say that I love and accept myself, as I am today.

This has been playing out with my body a bunch. As my weight fluctuates, as I struggle to find the regimen that will take me to the next level, make mistakes, change my mind, I find myself thinking terrible, negative thoughts about myself. Calling myself names. Sneering at my new, fantastically thinner self for still having excess fat, for every weakness, every misstep. I do try really hard not to, sometimes I'm successful. Often not. I know this is not helpful.

Today I met my counselor out at a ranch. She has begun working with clients using horses to guide the session, and asked me to come out. She was certain this would be helpful for me, especially, for some reason. I was excited and nervous. The ranch was out in the east Cascade foothills, next to a calm lake, amongst a patchwork of tiny farms. The surrounding green pine forested mountains dissolved into soft grey clouds above. A beautiful and contemplative place.

I met my counselor at the barn, and she introduced me to her horse, I'll call her Alex. Beautiful Appaloosa mare, brown with a white blaze and sock with faint spots, gorgeous deep big brown eyes with white sclera, like a human's. Alex has a deformity that results in it being dangerous for her to be ridden. She is, however, spirited and smart. This is now her job. We talk about what this work is. How horses are intuitive, how they pick up on our emotions and can help us tune in to what we are feeling. This can be very hard, for me. I can see the possible value in this.

I am very slow and cautious in approaching Alex. I extend my hand as shown, but I worry that she will be startled by some movement. We both flinch a bit when I tentatively move my hand closer a few times. My counselor showed me how to gently groom Alex, and we both brushed her to connect, become familiar, calm. We then went out to the paddock and began the work.

I started talking about my body issues, my struggle to find a good way to eat, work out, and how I feel I am slipping from my path. Alex wandered off and rolled in the dirt. I trailed off from what I was saying and just watched. I have never seen a horse do this before, in person. Her big, beautiful, muscular body rippled gracefully as she playfully covered her newly groomed coat in dust and mud. I smiled, realizing that SHE was unconcerned with how she looked, only with being herself and having fun. Huge, powerful, besmirched, but still undeniably beautiful.

Alex wandered into the middle of the paddock, searched the dirt and gravel for something to eat. There was nothing there, but she did this for a long time. My counselor and I returned to our conversation. At some point, Alex wandered over to the better pickings by the railing and nibbled on some rich grass and clover beyond. My counselor eventually remarked on how hesitant I had been when I had first approached Alex. I explained that I had been extremely nervous, in fact, because I was worried whether Alex would even like me. I saw this look I know well cross her face. Now we were getting somewhere.

Why, she asked, would I wonder such a thing? I began digging out the reasons. I know that animals are very intuitive, that they sense the kind of person you are. That I don't feel like a good person. I have all these bad habits and problems. I wonder if they are just things I need to work on, or if they are unfixable character flaws. I realize, suddenly, that what I am actually detailing is my terrible, unrelenting perfectionism, and say so. Alex stops grazing and looks very attentive. My counselor asks me if I love myself. I say I want to. I then realize that I've been waiting for the time that I am a "better person" to love myself. When I am more "perfect." Just like with my body. That I am, body and soul, considering myself unacceptable as I am.

I begin crying. I start talking about how ridiculous that is. That I am, in fact, imperfect, just like every other human being, and will always be so. That no one could ever love themselves if they waited until they were their own ideal selves. That I deserve love, even my own love. I feel like I can breathe. So freaking relieved. I feel this deep sinking down into my core, my belly, in a good grounded way.

Alex then walks straight up to me, and begins to kiss and nuzzle me. I kid you not. I pet her and cry grateful tears and look into her beautiful eyes. This goes on for quite a while. I feel a great glow in my chest. I feel loved. Lovable. Accepted. On the inside and the outside. By both Alex and myself.

Eventually my counselor asks if there's anything else I want to talk about. I search about in my head. Alex disengages, wanders back to graze. I can tell it's because I've pulled back up into my intellect. We talk about this, how I spend so much time there, because it's so hard for me to get down into those feelings, that core, and feel, but it feels so good when I get down there. She points out that I probably did not feel loved growing up with all the abuse and abandonment in my family. That I got used to shutting off my feelings, living in my head, and trying to do the "right thing" to be found lovable, acceptable. Convinced that this was what it took. I concede that I could see how this could happen. I have sort of intellectually known all of this for quite some time. But somehow, this time, I could FEEL it. I always wanted to believe that I am not too flawed to love, but unsure. I suddenly really, truly understood the nonsense of that, for the very first time. She urged me to hang on to the visceral feeling of that realization in my body, my core.

When the time came to go, we went over and thanked Alex. She stopped grazing and gave me a sweet little snort and toss of the head. When I went to leave, she followed me to the railing and looked after me. I felt very grateful for the unconditional love I was given. It was just somehow very moving. My counselor urged me to hang on to this feeling, too, and I am trying.

I hope this doesn't sound too trite or woo-woo. I accept then that this is not an overnight victory, that I am going to have to slowly change 4+ decades of cognitive patterning and behavior around this idea. To fight to get back down into myself and out of my head. To relax and become part of the world and feel good enough for it. But still, I tell you, it was real, graspable progress. I want to write it down, and share it, and keep repeating it to myself until it becomes part of me. There really was something about being out there, about working with that beautiful, sweet horse that busted down a VERY resistant part of me.

So, to all of us struggling with ourselves, not feeling good enough, worthwhile, like we must become "better" to deserve love. Enough. We can strive to become better people certainly. But loving ourselves enough to see why we should take care of ourselves, and not get so caught up in some ungraspable perfectionist ideal of what we think we should be will help us tremendously in the meantime. Especially in letting go of unnecessary anxiety and negativity that can only stand between us and what we want. I can love who I am now. I can enjoy being in the world as I am, and still reach for what I want. It reminds me of all the Buddhist teachings I have ever read or heard. And something I read over at Mark's Daily Apple just today about Detachment from the Outcome. We can have goals, but being over-focused on them will get in our way. Keeps us from the joy of what is around us, here and now, forever and ever, if we let it. And I promise you, I will not. I am willing to trade in my perfectionism for love.

I'm Siiiiiiingin' in the Rain...

(Image borrowed from Crazy For Cult art contest)

Fresh back from an amazing trip to L.A. We were hoping for escape from the unusual cold-snap here in Seattle as well as the usual perpetual drizzle, but the trickster God of Vacation Weather frowned upon us and it was unseasonably frigid the whole time we were there and rained for several days. Ah well. It WAS sunny on either end of our stay, if chilly. AND, I got to sit 10 feet away from Malcom McDowell as he did a 30 minute introduction and Q&A after a brand spanking new remastered print of "A Clockwork Orange", telling amazing stories about Kubrick and how the movie got made, then emerge from the theater into the pouring rain. If you know "A Clockwork Orange", you know how "Singing in the Rain" gets stuck in your head on a loop, and I was so high on the experience happy...I did a little song and dance routine along Hollywood Boulevard on the way back to my friends' apartment, complete with simulated cane smacks and kicking. I have adored McDowell since I was 18 and first saw that movie, and I felt the same after seeing him as I did after I got to see some of my other life-long idols, like David Bowie or Iggy Pop. He was so charming and humble and smart and sweet. That was one of myriad highlights of an amazing trip, and overall I had a wonderful time.

I am certain that I have put on weight. My clothes are really fitting poorly. Some of it was deliberate choices to enjoy myself. I went to sushi with different friends a few times, because they wanted to and I missed it. I drank beer instead of wine several times when out or with St. Patty's day dinner, Guiness and potatoes, to enjoy the moment. But some of it was stress or alcohol induced eating.

I am realizing that our trips to L.A. have been a bit stressful for a number of reasons, including trying to maximize time spent with several friends there, and staying with some of those friends in an admittedly chaotic atmosphere. I realized that I comfort eat to deal with that, meaning eating starchy comforting foods and/or overeating. It's funny, because there are now only a few situations in which I comfort eat - sleep deprivation and stressful travel situations. But NOT stressful situations when I am at home. It must have something to do with not having familiar surroundings to comfort me.

I also eat poorly if I've been drinking excessively, which tends to only happen on vacation, or to help soothe the hangover after. A and I have noticed that we drink too much with our L.A. friends, and we think it's an association thing, since neither we nor our friends tend to drink too much without one another around. There is something about going out and/or celebrating holidays that we have come to associate with one another. St. Patrick's day in the wonderful historic but alcoholic Hollywood dive bar, The Frolic Room, for instance, didn't help circumstances one bit. My friends and I all talked about this together and committed to trying to do better next time, since none of use feel good after we behave this way.

One wonderful, amazing positive change that I have noticed...my self-confidence is SO much better now. I used to feel very nervous and self-conscious as I walked the streets of L.A. I had always felt that there was so much emphasis on image and thin-ness there. But there has been a sea-change inside me between just the last time and this. This time, I felt self-assured, confident, open. I began to see a totally different side of L.A., one where people were incredibly friendly and diverse. So many times and places, people would just walk up to me and start chatting. I made friends and had a great time everywhere I went. There was so much more happening, culturally, than the shallow, soul-less glitz that I had experienced before. Even in Hollywood, where my friends live right on the crazy main strip, I was able to see and feel so much more than that, the soul beneath the hype of it all. I know the change is in me.

This change is surely the cause of the new magnetism I feel with other people. On St. Patty's day at the Frolic Room, the life of the party cute guy in a jaunty hat and leather jacket became fascinated with me. With all these really cute young girls around! He just kind of honed in on me. Between his silly dancing antics, he was sweetly attentive and inquisitive, charming, well-spoken and informed. At the end of the night, he even asked me on a date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was amazing to me! He wasn't creepy or just aiming for sex. He wanted to get to know me. He was so intriguing. I really liked him.  I explained my situation with A, and he STILL urged me to see him. But no time for love, Dr. Jones. I was only there for a little time longer. In any case, so flattering! I must be beaming positive, happy, confident, sexy energy into the universe.

So here I am, happy, busy, in need of recovery from sleep deprivation and drinking too much, a few pounds heavier, trying to sort it all out. I spoke with my counselor some about the stress, and we figured out what had happened with the friends that had been stressful, what I had done right and what I could do better next time. I am definitely becoming more assertive and less concerned with other people's judgement/anger, we concluded, which is really good, for me. That has always been a problem of mine, historically. The work I've done over last three years have made a giant difference, and I am really reaping the benefits, physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is more work to do, but there is always more work to do. I feel no shame or guilt about the mistakes or choices I made. I am confident that I will keep moving in the right direction.

I am moving forward with Occam's protocol, (heavy weightlifting / lots of protein / minimal cardio to stimulate massive muscle growth) even though part of me wants to steer off into fat-loss mode, as I now am feeling kind of fat, for me. I do feel I should finish the 6 week commitment and get to where I can lift my bodyweight with my legs and get closer to where I can do a pull-up with my arms before I put that aside for a while. So close to my goals with this.

It's been so long since I've been able to write! I have yet to catch up with people's blogs, can't wait to see how everyone is doing. It will have to wait, maybe for another day or so, as I need to catch up on work, but I felt I couldn't put off writing any longer. I missed that outlet!

So for now, I feel good; happy, despite things not being perfect. So what if I'm a little heavier than I'd like? So what if I am not perfect at dealing with stress or conflict or communication issues or eating? Life is very good, overall. I can see and point to real progress in many realms. I have learned to relax and enjoy my surroundings so much more. Just like the song says, I'm singing and dancing in the rain....

I Am On Your Side

So, since transitioning from morbid obesity to a relatively normal weight, I've noticed people making a LOT of assumptions about me that are different than the ones they used to make. One of those assumptions is that I am now fat-prejudiced. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I realize that I sometimes talk about how fat I feel from eating certain things, or re-gaining some fat. I don't ever also say this means I am a bad person, or less of a person, or imply that this is the worst thing ever. I do imply that it's not my aim, because my aim is to change my body composition to include less fat, at this point. It's my current choice. I feel better, and it's what I want, at this time, for myself. But not anyone else, unless that's also what they want/need for health's sake and happiness.

So complex.

I do not judge. I was obese since early childhood. I totally know how it feels to be judged, put down, hurt again and again over my weight. I know this. Anybody who thought making fun of me was helping was wrong. This caused me massive pain, depression, withdrawal, life-long self-esteem issues. That is not the way to help. In fact, it's just none of your business. Not attracted to fat people? Pay attention to the people you are attracted to and leave people alone. Bullies only do so to make themselves feel better.

I find myself attracted to people of many weights/sizes, in fact. There was a girl I talked to this week, who I've met a couple times before. She is a comedian, and she is awesome. She is much younger than me and dresses like I sometimes do/often used to when younger. I am NOT trying to hit on her, but I do think she is cute. She and others assumed I have never been particularly heavy. She is down on herself because of her weight. She also talked sneeringly about people with "skinny person problems", like having to jump up and down to stay warm while hanging outside with the smokers in the cold, as I was. I am not all that skinny, but my metabolism has always been pretty bad, and losing weight has made me get cold very easily.

I told her that she was totally cute as she is, which she truly is. I also told her my story, and some of the issues I have that are a trade-off. We had a really good talk, and parted friends. I can't stand the idea that people think I'm like that, and because I want her to feel good about herself, whatever she weighs. We talked about finding a happy weight, and about feeling good no matter what you weigh, because it's just not that important. I'm trying really hard for that now.

It's hard to tease all this out. If it's "not that important", why did I go through all this work and discipline? Why am I trying now? I guess you decide what's important to you, when. BUT, in the grand scheme of the universe and the value of your very life, your own soul...is your body weight the important thing? Is it really?

If you feel like the weight is standing in between you and what you want, then you can make it a goal to get rid of it. If you don't, and you're happy, then that is your choice. Either way, you're still you. It doesn't mean you're a bad human being, either way.

I've been watching the series "My 600 lb. Life." They followed several 600 + lb. patients after weight loss surgery for 7 years, and documented the results. These shows are really well-made, and touching. I've gotten A hooked on the show, too. They make us cry. I am cheering for them the whole way. I do identify with many of their issues, even though I have never been that big. It's awesome to see what happens in the long term. Often they struggle down, sometimes to "normal" BMI weights, often not, then rebound up again, but usually catch it before they go too far back up to function as normally as they wish to. They find that happy weight, and their lives are transformed because they can now do the things that the weight stood in the way of. I think that's the key, for me or anyone else.

So if you want to lose fat, I am cheering you on. If you don't, I am celebrating you as you are. I do think you can be fat and fabulous, because I know many fat, fabulous people. I think you can be skinny and a wretched human being too. OR, skinny and fabulous and wonderful! The weight doesn't matter, in this regard. I don't want this to come across pollyanna, I know the issues are complex, but I also want to say...just because I want to/don't want to change my body is no reflection on yours. As long as you are not seeking to harm, I am on your side.

Saturday Cheat Day

Food porn warning! Read at your own peril!

So I'm supposed to cycle carbs in and up my calories one day a week, in order to trick my body into going "Hey! Look at that! We're eating a bunch of rich-ass food! I guess we don't have to hang on to every ounce of fat we're given after all." Why did I write that in plural? Perhaps I was imagining the teeming hordes of my fat cells speaking? Also, psychologically speaking, this seems a sound strategy. Keeps you from exploding into binge-y crazyland. So I sally forth, ready for piggy goodness to ensue. Though practically speaking, going for mostly low-carb-but-carbier-than-allowed-on-other-days options.

Supposed to kick off with protein, so I went straight to the Jarrow Brown Rice Protein Powder and organic whole milk. Trying to use up the last of that milk and switch to something a little less carb-y for future protein powder consumption. Then I made coffee and started cooking my newly discovered Fluffy Coconut Flour Pancakes. Ohhhhhh myyyyyyy! (Yes, you SHOULD imagine George Takei saying this.) They are OBSCENELY delicious. Dare I say, better than wheat flour pancakes? I dare! That is a picture above stolen from the recipe site's page, Nourishing Days. Thank you thank you thank you for this recipe! I got there via a post on Mark's Daily Apple, which is also an awesome site on Primal eating and fitness, which I would say most closely aligns with what want to eat and do for the rest of my life when I am done experimenting with 4 Hour Body stuff. In case you never heard of it.

In my version, I used up more of the whole milk, as I am fresh out of coconut milk, and a tablespoon of honey as the sweetener. Also, I subbed aluminum-free baking powder in for the baking soda by accident, but they were so fluffy and delicious, that is now part of MY recipe. I cut up strawberries and washed some blueberries and heated some honey in a jar in a pan of water to make it extra pourable, and stuck all that plus some grass fed butter on the hot cakes before eating. Also, we had some porkalicious uncured organic sausage. Excellent breakfast achieved.

This all will go pretty well with the heavy lifting scheduled for today, so that we don't bonk. Tonight, we do Workout B numero dos! I am guessing and hoping and begging the universe that without the added stresses of calibration, the leg press won't leave me with a bad case of the Peg Leg for the next few days, like last time. Though again, that got better shockingly fast, compared to the sheer amount of pain I was in (trust me, I'm no pain wimp, either. Kind of the opposite, actually. But I don't want to hurt myself, so I listen to my body!)

SOOOO excited to see what I can lift this week. I really really really hope my legs and chest press are gonna show massive strength gain like Workout A did this week. I haven't been this psyched to go to the gym, um, EVER. Love Occam's Protocol. I know I will need to switch to more functional fitness later, including way more conditioning, but in the meantime, this is really fun.

After the workout? Sushi!!!!! I love sushi, and I never get to have it because of the rice. (Sashimi, while awesome, is just NOT the same.) I love salmon nigiri, ono nigiri, amoebi (raw nigiri with the heads tempura fried separately!), ohitashi, spider rolls. Oh happy day. I am doing the snoopy dance thinking about this. Also, possibly beer. Which I am also crazy for and never get to have. So these are the actual very carby treats that I'm going for today.

Lastly, A and I and a dear friend/roommate have been talking over the issues with gaining muscle and fat gain. While we will try to be careful, maybe add in some more leaner meat meals, and stay off the fruits most days, we've decided we will not kill ourselves to try and lean out during this time period. We're going to try to minimize fat gain, but not freak the F out. I can see I've gained a LITTLE around the waist, too. But I'm not going to risk not putting on enough muscle due to protein deprivation, nor am I going to restrict myself to nothing but bland lean meats and steamed broccoli. I think that mostly staying off fruit, completely staying off sugar and grains and starch 6 days a week is deprivation enough. I am not a fitness model. I am a (semi-) normal human being with a normal weight, trying to gain some muscle for my sports of choice, hiking, scrambling, open water swimming, and continued weightlifting fun times. And to try and up my metabolism, after dieting it into the freaking ground.

After this 6 week period, I will start intense conditioning, lots of hiking and kettlebell swinging and try to cut fat down through diet for a little while. It will be spring. I'm guessing it will come pretty naturally, without having to stuff that much protein down my craw every day.

I know I'm see-sawing a bit here. Hard to overcome that panicky feeling of seeing minor gains after losing so very much weight. Just have to remember, I am WORLDS away from what I used to be, 2 1/2 years ago. For instance, I haul my ass into the gym on a regular basis. I take 4 - 6 mile walks without even thinking twice about it. We don't even have junk food in the house, a fact that lead our roommate to comment on how he's been naturally losing weight because that crap is never around. We cook all of our meals completely from scratch, and naturally reach for meat and veggie options only at restaurants. My ass occasionally fits into single digit clothing (though that is clearly size inflation.) Time to stop freaking out and live.

Beefcake! BEEFCAAAAKE!

Beefcaaaaake!

Okay, second session of the "4 Hour Body" Occam's Protocol Workout A, done! Arms feel a teensy sore, but this will probably be MUCH worse by tomorrow. :) Though without the calibration overwork of last time, it may not be so bad.

It took NO time at all to get in and out of that gym. None. It seemed ridiculous. Had to resist the temptation to do MORE.

Lifting to failure was crazy, though. Added 10 pounds of weight to last week's weight on both machines. Made it past my minimum reps by like, 1.5 reps, which is totally fine and on track. Means I'm lifting the correct amount. Struggled like a mofo, trying to inch that weight stack up, held that right there as long as I could when it stopped moving upwards, shaking and grimacing, then slowly lowered it. The book says 5 - 10 seconds on the lowering part, which I think I achieved.

So, it's good...I know that I have made significant strength gains because this week. On the shoulder press, I lifted the same weight to failure with significantly more super-slow paced reps than my fast-paced 5-reps-or-less failure weight from last week. On the pull-down, where I was lifting MUCH more weight overall, I again did significantly more super-slow reps at 80% of that previous 5 rep fast-paced failure weight on the other. Proof positive that muscle growth has occurred. Crazy to think I can just keep bumping my weights up 10 pounds or more a week from this tiny amount of lifting!

And I don't hate using the shoulder press now. I used to avoid that one like the plague. I don't know why I hated that lift so much. It just seemed to be my weakest. And now I am already lifting more on that one than I ever used to. Next week, shoulder press 40 pounds! Overhead pull-downs, 90 pounds! I know for your gym rats that is pa-the-tic, but to me it's amazing. Two rounds of this protocol (probably 3 - 4 months worth, though you should break it up) would theoretically put me within reach of enough strength to do actual body-weight chin-ups!

A, on the other hand, was astounding. On the pull-downs, he did 14.5 reps to failure, more than twice the minimum reps. I don't think he realized that what he was doing was too easy. If within the first two reps it feels like you're going sail past your minimum, you're supposed to stop, wait 5 minutes, add 5 - 10 pounds to the already increased weight, and do a single set to failure. Maybe he knows what too easy feels like now. As I predicted, though, I think this means that he's freaking thriving on this protocol. He puts on muscle easy-peasy. I KNEW I could already see a big difference in his arms. He will probably be able to increase his weights 15 pounds a week pretty often.

I've been giving a lot of honest, painful thought to the food thing. Worried about becoming Cartman in the Weight Gain 4000 episode a little bit, here...deceiving myself into thinking that eating this way while only walking and doing minimum lifting per week won't result in fat gain. Poking around the net, re-reading Ferriss' thoughts on the subject.

Should cut down on the overall calories, though I haven't been counting. Probably should stick with full compliance to ONE protocol at a time. Maybe I really can digest beans and tolerate the carbs in them now. Maybe I really should try giving the Slow Carb diet a fair shot. Talking to A about it, he's on board. Gonna switch out the whole milk (now this WAS Ferriss' suggestion, but I think more for people who have trouble gaining on Occam's), for something like unsweetened hemp or So Delicious coconut or almond beverage mixed with my protein powder to cut down on overall calories and carbs. Suck it up and stop eating any fruit/"low carb" (but relatively carby) treats such as chocolate coconut flour cake during the week. Have my glorious cheat day to upregulate metabolism once a week. Buckle the fuck down. Actually put on muscle that you can SEE, instead of becoming a big blob of fat pretending to be doing something healthy, waddling around, crowing about my "progress" when everyone just sees me getting fatter. BEEFCAAAAAKE!

Peg-Leg Update

Okay, no longer peg-legging my way around town, so even though there is still soreness in my left thigh, it is well within manageable post-workout soreness levels, the third day after the overuse injury now. Will still probably bump back leg presses for a day or two to make certain that the muscle is fully recovered, but that's totally fine. Pleased with my speed of healing, based on how painful that was even just yesterday, to be sure!

Going to do Workout A (upper body only) for the second time in a few hours, and I'm really psyched, actually. It will be fun to see if I netted any strength gains since last week. By the monster growth I've seen in my arms, I'm guessing yes! This is the acid test...does this heavy lift to failure minimum rep thing really really work? Can't wait to find out!

Eating protein like a crazy carnivore. My hunger levels have been through the roof. I wonder if my healing overuse injury is begging for more protein than usual. Think I'll go drink another protein powder shake to see if I can quiet the beast for a minute. My weight is slightly up, but Tim Ferriss predicts a 2.5 pound muscle gain per week, minimum, no matter who you are, girl, boy, hard-gainer or not, by following Occam's Protocol, and this gain is just less than that. I am not gonna let the scale freak me out right now. It's not about that. My clothes seem to be fitting the same, except I can see massive muscular gains in my arms, which is crazytown! So time to keep chilling...will re-measure in a week, halfway through the protocol, to see what's happening all over, body composition wise. If the scale is edging up and it's all muscle, that's great. If not, we'll have to revisit diet - see below.

My mood is back up again. It's been mostly crazy up (as has been my libido!) since a few weeks after going back to eating normal amounts of food, taking the AGG/PAG/CQ stack (see previous posts for more info), taking vitamin D again and getting exercise. It's very hard to tease out exactly what is helping, but I'm glad something is.

I know this morning's rant about angry people seems...angry. I think I overloaded on the toxicity of so much of it at once. It made me kind of nauseous. And again, don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with being angry, even if someone is angry with me! Especially with me. I get angry, everyone does, it's important. It's all in how you deal with it. Do you stew in it, rage with it, take it out on other people? Or do you use it to see something is wrong, state your case, stand your ground calmly and try to negotiate a better life? At least my mood bobbed back up pretty quickly. I just needed to vent and move on. One more thing to remember about how your problems do not magically disappear when you reach a normal weight. In case you didn't know.

Tried on clothes for a second whilst running errands. Simultaneously awesome and depressing. Skinny-fat sucks. I am now so amazingly small, overall, but so...bulgy. I ended up buying nothing. Sometimes clothes look so freaking hot on me, but they really have to be the right ones. I know that now is the time to be patient, gain the muscle that is going to give me more definition and shift my metabolism more to fat-burning. Patience now is key. I may have to stay out of dressing rooms a little longer...

Lastly...I feel a little at sea about my diet right now. I know I need to be taking in 1.25 grams of protein/pound of lean body mass during this massive muscle gain phase. Do I need to be limiting my fats to keep from gaining? So much conflicting information. I'm supposed to be limiting my carbs to near nil except one day a week, and I am, though I am reluctant to completely give up fruit 6 days out the week as Ferriss recommends. I like an apple and almonds as a snack, but it's against my religion, apparently, right now. I am NOT limiting myself to lean protein at all. Eating roast chicken with skin, ribeye steaks, shrimp, salmon, butter, cream, occasional goat cheese. Some people seem to think that will work better for me, some think it's a recipe for disaster. This is kind of hard. Also, tired of severe restriction after many years on and off of that. Guess I just have to experiment and see what happens. Again, starting in April, cutting/functional fitness/more cardio-oriented phase may help tremendously.

Edit - one last thought for the day: I am not a religious-type person, so I was puzzled when I first saw this middle-aged lady crossing the street with what looked like some kind of junk smeared across her forehead. It was the second one that I saw in Target that produced my startling realization that it was in fact, Ash Wednesday, and these ladies were taking it quite seriously, which is cool by me, just not accustomed to it. Right after my revelation, I overheard this kid one aisle over: "She has ice cream on her head!" I totally busted up.

Happy Ice-Cream-Head Wednesday!

Occam's Protocol

One of my dearest friends bought us a copy of The Four Hour Body, by professional madman, Tim Ferriss. The book is huge, funny and chock full of intriguing life-hacking tips about creating a better physical reality for yourself, everything from losing fat and gaining muscle to better quality sleep and sex. Totally worth owning and experimenting with.

Knowing that my dependancy on HCG is permanently over, I've eagerly seized upon many of Ferriss' recommendations as a path to maintenance and further improvement. I know that if I don't start adopting a new regimen, the future will be a long slow slip back into old habits and my old body. Experience has taught me so.

I've been toying with what techniques to try first. In all actuality, I'd probably do best to try what Ferriss calls the Kiwi's butt-building workout, lol. In all seriousness, this workout regimen that centers around the kettlebell and other functional fitness movements involving free weights and plyometrics (such as the Turkish Get Up - awesome name, right?) is probably the best for me. However, just glancing over what this workout entails, I know that I would be uncomfortable and probably most foolish to try it without the benefit of a personal trainer to show me correct form and approach to these movements without say, ripping arms out of sockets or planting a kettleball in someone's face. But we are so very very broke. Thank you, emergency mid-West trip and drunken Valentymes day shenanigans. Also, and this is sad, my gym appears to NOT stock kettleballs. How can that be, in this elite fitness day and age?

Since I've already paid for this month, and I decided to try something different for at least the next six weeks. I settled on what Ferriss terms "Occam's Protocol." The theory behind this training, like much of Ferriss' book, is maximum results for minimal effort. Efficiency in training. This one in particular focuses on massive muscle gain in a very short time through two half hour sessions a week. That's right, my darlings. Better than any comic book back page ad promise you've ever read!

The secret? Two sessions, spaced several days apart and progressively further as you gain, two different lifts for each session, done to extreme failure. Plus an optional short abs/kettlebell session (IF you have one of those snooty fancy gyms that have them. Apparently. Sheesh!) Plus eating 1.25 grams of protein per lean body mass weight per day.

Just did the first session yesterday. It takes a while  to calibrate your failure weights the first two different workout sessions, so it took longer than the half hour. But I did that for both upper body exercises. Felt like nothing, though I had noodle arms for the rest of the night. Today? I feel my entire upper body beginning to lock up like a seized engine. Oh My God Soreness! I plan to slather on the Arnica gel (the real stuff, not the Homeopathic, you have to search like crazy to find it) like I'm putting out a fire in a minute. Note to self: Do It The Night Before! Though to be honest, soreness has never really bugged me or stood in my way. I really do think I'm gonna like this.

Here's the thing. It's meant to put on MASSIVE amounts of muscle. Up to 2.5 pounds a week! It isn't meant for weight loss. Do I have weight to lose? Totally. Do I care? Hmmmm...

I decided, after looking at many pictures of people my height/weight that those people look far, far more in shape than I, after reducing from Morbidly Obese to JUST barely HWP according to the BMI charts. They don't appear to have my spare tires and bra hanger fat and overall Jellyness. I think I do in fact fall into the "Skinnyfat" category.

In case you've never heard of it, it's definitely a thing. It means that your body composition is still fat for your height, though you weigh what is considered normal. In other words, you are lacking in lean muscle mass and making up for it in fat. I must have lost too much lean muscle mass along the way. With clothes on, people go on and on about how trim I appear to be. Even the owner of the gym, who I have not seen since I lost the last 25 pounds or so, had a shitfit about how skinny I look now. If they saw what I see every day when I am getting dressed, I am sure this would not be so. I am now somewhat compact, but lack most tone and have quite a fatty layer on top. Naked, without Spanx-like garments, I look, as one blogger put it, like a melted snowman - the same shape as before, just much much smaller.

The dieting process has become less and less effective for me. Exponentially so. As it does. Diminishing returns, no matter how strict my living, or educated my eating. Plus, if I keep whittling away, I can pretty much just expect to keep losing fat and muscle together. Getting skinny-fat, but eventually just skinny. That is NOT what I want. Plus, so very tired of deprivation. I want to LIVE. Eat. Move. Enjoy.

So, tired of the diet diet diet phase of living, I have decided instead to build muscle like crazy, in hopes of toning up, then thinning out. Ferriss' prescription should help keep it mostly muscle gain, but I will probably put a little fat on. We'll see. However, the more muscle you put on, the better your metabolism functions. I have read many arguments about this, but I keep seeing better and better studies supporting that building muscles really does support more efficient calorie-burning metabolisms. I will need to track those down and support my assertions, but right now, I am lazily ditching work to write this, so it will have to be later. Suffice to say, I've convinced enough to try, for six weeks at least.

After that, we should hopefully be able to afford personal training and possibly switch gyms to responsible kettlebell-owning establishments. Which makes me sad, because I love my gym, and the owner/manager/whatever he is who is so sweet and makes me feel skinny. I can't use them at home, because I won't go out in the constant grey downpour that is my home to use it, and inside the ceilings are so low to as to be troublesome for my 6'6" fella not to constantly whack a hand on it when carelessly gesticulating. Even I do, sometimes.

So, here's to the first great experiment of how to live without HCG 101. Wish me luck!

Kick-Ass Mofo in 3...2...1..

Turning the corner on being sick. Finally some energy, and only a little sneezing.

Family drama continues. Email from a relative full-on defending the neglect of my little 3rd cousin. Phone argument with another relative about their "scorched earth policy"/abusive rage whenever they get angry or upset. Very hard conversations, indeed. I stood my ground while being as compassionate and diplomatic as possible. I don't want to contribute to drama, but I'm not putting up with abuse, either, which is defacto endorsement of continued drama.

But I am stepping back, letting go. The next two days, I have declared my house a drama-free zone. No email or phone calls will be honored, except an absolute emergency. Just dedicated to working/recovery from illness and stress.

Weigh-in this morning, am up 4 pounds from before the extremely stressful family trip to the Midwest. Hmmm. :/

Deciding not to freak out, though. Just up my physical activity. Continue to eat as Primal as possible. Take my supplements. See where this gets me over the next few weeks. Really looking forward to lifting again. It always gives me good results. My biceps are deflating, they used to blow my friends and family away. I had some serious Sarah Conner guns going on. This will not do!

This morning we decided to have some coconut flour pancakes, with eggs, coconut milk, strawberries, a little honey/xylitol to sweeten. They were really good, but I think I need to eat sausage along with, for more protein. And some veggies of some sort. I'll get it down. I'm doing so already.

Watched Kill Bill 1 again last night. Uma Thurman inspires me. I want to be able to kick some ass, too. Also in love with Lucy Liu, she made me wish I had freckles! And Vivica Fox, my god, what a body. I don't need to be uber-skinny, but I do want to be muscled and agile like them. Phase 1 - escape from obesity (to borrow a phrase from one of my favorite bloggers) is ovah! Phase 2 - become a kick-ass mofo, commencing!

Zombie Blog Comes Alive

So, I didn't mean to abandon my blog. Looking back at the posts, I can see why I did.

Overly verbose.

Obsessive.

I actually had to stop reading the blogs for a while, also, for a number of reasons. I have problems with internet addiction, to be sure. Addictive personality that latches on to anything to avoid pain and problems.

But I am losing weight again. I am learning to be more honest and succinct. I appreciate the other bloggers who are out there, laying it on the line day after day. I wanted to tell any of you that care that I haven't given up, and neither should you.

I feel I've come a long way in the last year and a half. The weight loss has been a slow process. I did have to take some time off, because I needed some time to just live and breathe and not worry about it. I regained some, but not a lot, in the grand scheme of things. Recently re-tackled it all, and now I'm down to a lifetime low, and am according to the silly BMI numbers, no longer in the "Overweight" category. This isn't the truth, however, I still have some excess body fat that clearly needs to go. Which is fine, I'm currently working on it.

I'm about to ditch my current method of weight loss for good. The rounds of HCG did get me from morbidly obese to "normal." I'm looking at a number of other models. 4 Hour Body, Lean Gains, or just plain Paleo eating, plus increased activity. I feel I need to take the activity and exercise to the next level, or it will be forever backsliding and trying to regain lost ground.

I'm dreaming of hiking to Camp Muir, the climbing camp on Mount Rainier at over 10,000 feet. We were going to take the Alpine Scrambling course offered by the Mountaineers to prepare for that, but could not afford it this year. Instead, we're planning on snowshoeing classes and training hikes starting mid-late February, as soon as I get off this round. This will not get us ready for Camp Muir, as I believe we need the navigation and safety training to safely cross the Muir Snowfield, but I do believe we will take some epic hikes this summer.

Lastly, it would seem that my paternal Grandma has probably not got long to live. Due to a complicated abusive family situation, we have been kept apart mostly for 20 years or more. I miss her and feel terrible about it. I am thinking about throwing caution to the wind, going out to see her despite the issues involved. I talked to her yesterday and cried for quite a while afterwards. I may have to abandon my current protocol to do so, as just for this particular protocol it's honestly too difficult to follow while traveling. Which is really tough, because my doctor will not allow me to go back on it for a year, and I don't plan to, ever. I am scared I won't be able to shed the 13 pounds or so I want to without it. But I am more scared that I will never get to see her again. Weight loss is not worth a lifetime of regret.

This has been a deeply emotionally trying time. The last few years I have worked really hard to learn to face my fears and stop avoiding painful things, and now I really must face up to this, too.

Progress pictures and welcome!

I've added progress pictures to my blog.  It was a hard decision to make, as I'm really shy about how I look, even now, but I'm glad I did.  Looking at that little filmstrip to the right is very motivating!  I've never actually sat down and done this before.  It's truly helpful. Still struggling to grasp a new body image, over a hundred pounds lighter.  I'm finally really seeing what a difference it's made, where I still need to go, and coming to accept that I probably really do need to weigh just about HALF of what I weighed at my heaviest.  Wow!  And that's okay.  If I can achieve that, then I'll have really done something to feel good about.  When I first started losing weight, I had no idea where I needed to be. I made my first goal 180, which I still haven't quite reached. Decided not to change that goal until I get there, but really, my ultimate ideal weight is probably somewhere between 140 - 155.  Just a guess, based on what I look like now at this weight.  We'll see as we get closer.

The amazing and lovely 266 gave me an award, only on my old blog!  I'll follow up on that tonight, when I have a little more time.  But thank you so much!  She's one of the most inspirational bloggers I've ever read, while losing over 100 pounds and becoming a complete athlete in the process.   Anyways, for those people now viewing my blog for the first time, welcome and thanks for coming by!  I promise to post more often.  I've been spending a lot of time in the sun, a rarity around these parts.

Quick exercise update - A and I did our first Greenlake crossing and back last week!  We made it, about 1 mile, with brief rests in about 90 minutes.  I am a VERY slow open water swimmer, but proud of my increasing endurance.  Hopefully I can speed things up with more practice, like we did last (exceptionally hot) summer.  We've been hiking and going for walks most days that it wasn't hot enough to swim.  I've been having some muscle and joint aches, flaring auto-immune things.  Hopefully that might die down, may need to watch my diet a little more closely.  But I'm happy with my overall activity level, though there's always room for improvement.  Now it's time for some activity!