Just got off the phone with my sister, who is visiting my Grandma. Things are very bad, and not just my Grandma's health.
Someone at that home is a physically abusive drunk who beat a child in front of my sister, and attacked her when she intervened.
The cops were called but NEVER CAME. The father of the child, who lives at that house and has sole custody of the child never came home all night, but showed up in the morning and took the child to school. The school called and said he has head injuries. The father disappeared again and never materialized to take the child home. His sister, a good and reliable but busy person, is going to pick up the child instead. My sister has to get on a plane. No one who was witness to this will be there to make reports, talk to authorities, tell them what was witnessed except my Grandma, who is in and out of lucidity, and probably won't report. My sister can't afford to stay anywhere, she's unemployed and can't change her ticket. She's up for some jobs and has interviews. She needs to return home.
But that drunk abusive person is in charge of taking care of my Grandma. That drunk abusive person is left to watch my little cousin while his Dad is out all night at the bar and going home with strange women.
I am furious and devastated. My own childhood abuse is flooding back over me. I am so angry and overwhelmed.
I had already made arrangements to fly out in a week with A and my other sister. I think that drunk abusive person needs to go to jail and someone else needs to be looking after my Grandmother. I think my little third cousin needs to be in a safe place with someone who cares for him properly. I don't know what I can do from here. But I am so upset. I don't know what to do when I do get out there. Add to this that there's ANOTHER close relative involved who has caused me to fear for my safety for my entire life. I don't know how to stay safe and help everyone involved become safe.
This is a nightmare I had mostly avoided for 30 years. My stomach hurts. I feel so helpless.
No matter how much you avoid your problems, they don't go away on their own. I finally manage to overcome my fears enough to do something that I feel is right and good, and now I have to face all the demons all over again, it would seem. I want to help my Grandma and this little kid. It puts my own problems in life in perspective, that's for sure. I want to lose 10 more pounds, waah waah waah. Oh I don't want to go off my diet early, boo fucking hoo.
Well, I'm going off my strict diet regimen and going to the midwest in a week. I'm sucking up my fears and going to deal with the situation. See my grandmother and tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry it took me this long to come say that. That my fear of that OTHER relative kept me from contact. Get her to safety, if possible. Get that child to safety if possible. Do some fucking battle.
Wish me luck.
Progress
Showing posts with label crisis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crisis. Show all posts
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Zombie Blog Comes Alive
So, I didn't mean to abandon my blog. Looking back at the posts, I can see why I did.
Overly verbose.
Obsessive.
I actually had to stop reading the blogs for a while, also, for a number of reasons. I have problems with internet addiction, to be sure. Addictive personality that latches on to anything to avoid pain and problems.
But I am losing weight again. I am learning to be more honest and succinct. I appreciate the other bloggers who are out there, laying it on the line day after day. I wanted to tell any of you that care that I haven't given up, and neither should you.
I feel I've come a long way in the last year and a half. The weight loss has been a slow process. I did have to take some time off, because I needed some time to just live and breathe and not worry about it. I regained some, but not a lot, in the grand scheme of things. Recently re-tackled it all, and now I'm down to a lifetime low, and am according to the silly BMI numbers, no longer in the "Overweight" category. This isn't the truth, however, I still have some excess body fat that clearly needs to go. Which is fine, I'm currently working on it.
I'm about to ditch my current method of weight loss for good. The rounds of HCG did get me from morbidly obese to "normal." I'm looking at a number of other models. 4 Hour Body, Lean Gains, or just plain Paleo eating, plus increased activity. I feel I need to take the activity and exercise to the next level, or it will be forever backsliding and trying to regain lost ground.
I'm dreaming of hiking to Camp Muir, the climbing camp on Mount Rainier at over 10,000 feet. We were going to take the Alpine Scrambling course offered by the Mountaineers to prepare for that, but could not afford it this year. Instead, we're planning on snowshoeing classes and training hikes starting mid-late February, as soon as I get off this round. This will not get us ready for Camp Muir, as I believe we need the navigation and safety training to safely cross the Muir Snowfield, but I do believe we will take some epic hikes this summer.
Lastly, it would seem that my paternal Grandma has probably not got long to live. Due to a complicated abusive family situation, we have been kept apart mostly for 20 years or more. I miss her and feel terrible about it. I am thinking about throwing caution to the wind, going out to see her despite the issues involved. I talked to her yesterday and cried for quite a while afterwards. I may have to abandon my current protocol to do so, as just for this particular protocol it's honestly too difficult to follow while traveling. Which is really tough, because my doctor will not allow me to go back on it for a year, and I don't plan to, ever. I am scared I won't be able to shed the 13 pounds or so I want to without it. But I am more scared that I will never get to see her again. Weight loss is not worth a lifetime of regret.
This has been a deeply emotionally trying time. The last few years I have worked really hard to learn to face my fears and stop avoiding painful things, and now I really must face up to this, too.
Overly verbose.
Obsessive.
I actually had to stop reading the blogs for a while, also, for a number of reasons. I have problems with internet addiction, to be sure. Addictive personality that latches on to anything to avoid pain and problems.
But I am losing weight again. I am learning to be more honest and succinct. I appreciate the other bloggers who are out there, laying it on the line day after day. I wanted to tell any of you that care that I haven't given up, and neither should you.
I feel I've come a long way in the last year and a half. The weight loss has been a slow process. I did have to take some time off, because I needed some time to just live and breathe and not worry about it. I regained some, but not a lot, in the grand scheme of things. Recently re-tackled it all, and now I'm down to a lifetime low, and am according to the silly BMI numbers, no longer in the "Overweight" category. This isn't the truth, however, I still have some excess body fat that clearly needs to go. Which is fine, I'm currently working on it.
I'm about to ditch my current method of weight loss for good. The rounds of HCG did get me from morbidly obese to "normal." I'm looking at a number of other models. 4 Hour Body, Lean Gains, or just plain Paleo eating, plus increased activity. I feel I need to take the activity and exercise to the next level, or it will be forever backsliding and trying to regain lost ground.
I'm dreaming of hiking to Camp Muir, the climbing camp on Mount Rainier at over 10,000 feet. We were going to take the Alpine Scrambling course offered by the Mountaineers to prepare for that, but could not afford it this year. Instead, we're planning on snowshoeing classes and training hikes starting mid-late February, as soon as I get off this round. This will not get us ready for Camp Muir, as I believe we need the navigation and safety training to safely cross the Muir Snowfield, but I do believe we will take some epic hikes this summer.
Lastly, it would seem that my paternal Grandma has probably not got long to live. Due to a complicated abusive family situation, we have been kept apart mostly for 20 years or more. I miss her and feel terrible about it. I am thinking about throwing caution to the wind, going out to see her despite the issues involved. I talked to her yesterday and cried for quite a while afterwards. I may have to abandon my current protocol to do so, as just for this particular protocol it's honestly too difficult to follow while traveling. Which is really tough, because my doctor will not allow me to go back on it for a year, and I don't plan to, ever. I am scared I won't be able to shed the 13 pounds or so I want to without it. But I am more scared that I will never get to see her again. Weight loss is not worth a lifetime of regret.
This has been a deeply emotionally trying time. The last few years I have worked really hard to learn to face my fears and stop avoiding painful things, and now I really must face up to this, too.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Journey So Far
Hello blogosphere. I've blogged a little on this subject so far, but decided that a reboot was in order, keeping my weight loss and other aspects of my life in separate places. So here I am, and I'd like to talk about the journey so far.
My highest recorded weight was 295, over 2 years ago now, though I may have been near that or even exceeded it several times during the last few decades as I've yo-yo'd up and down the scale. I have been overweight or obese since I was a toddler. In my case, I believe it has been a combination of lots of things. I have a genetic condition called Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia causing endocrine system imbalances leading to auto-immune problems, digestive problems, muscle and joint problems, and more, and I think that's the biggest issue. I also grew up on southern cooking/heavily processed low nutrition foods and was punished for not cleaning my plate. Additionally, I suffered severe childhood abuse of several varieties which lead to emotional eating and other bad food consumption practices, which was definitely a big factor. Don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for where I'm at now and know that it's up to me to make the necessary changes to lose weight. It has taken decades of being on my own as an adult to puzzle all this out and find my way back to the highest levels of health that I can achieve, but the cool thing is, I'm doing it.
I've lost over 100 pounds so far! It's been an amazing transformation of mind, body and spirit. My whole life is changing for the better, and I couldn't be happier. Like most change, this one started with crisis. I think I've learned that crisis is the thing that spurs most of us into action. Consequently, I have been learning to view problems in an entirely different light. It may sound cliche, but over and over again, coping with crisis has forced me onto higher ground.
Over the years I've strived to find answers to my health problems and emotional issues. Addiction of loved ones, my own addictions, relationship problems, severe depression, and health issues including severe pharmaceutical poisoning and early symptoms of MS all converged for me two years ago, and I hit bottom. Just to survive I began getting counseling for my depression, social anxiety, self-esteem issues and free myself from codependancy. Though not an alcoholic by any means, I still cut my drinking down significantly, began eating less and getting more exercise, started a more intensive qigong practice and found a naturopath who really knew how to help me. She put me on rounds of the HCG diet, and in combination supplements and my other healthy practices, the MS symptoms went away and have not returned for over a year now. And I've lost enough weight to officially move out of being classified as "obese."
In fact, I went from "morbidly obese" to "obese" to "overweight" in less than a year. According to the BMI chart, at 5'8", I should be 164 pounds or under to qualify as "normal". I am currently 27 pounds above that weight, but I'm betting, based on how my body looks and feels, that I could really stand to lose at least another 40 pounds to feel and look right. At the moment I'm maintaining my current weight and focusing on getting exercise and sunshine to boost my health and prevent any further development of the MS. I've quit my job to get away from pollution and emotional toxicity, and am going to spend the summer hiking, open water swimming and weight lifting.
I will start a new round of the HCG diet, possibly late July but I may wait until fall, depending on how I feel in the next few weeks. If you're familiar with the HCG diet, you know that it is restrictive and challenging, and after four rounds with the required maintenance periods in between, I'm finding that I kind of want a little more time off to enjoy going out with friends and family. Since I'm maintaining my weight well, I'm not too worried about when I get back on the train again, so to speak, but on the other hand, I'm eager for normality too.
Why the HCG diet? I know many in the weight loss blogosphere are against the concept of diet, and for lifestyle change instead, and I respect that. It works for them. Our bodies are all different. Calorie counting and exercise alone does not seem to work very well for me. I can restrict my daily calories to 1500 and lose no weight, even if I work out. My current health issues seem to make it extremely difficult to up my metabolism and lose weight. Low carb IS helpful for me, and I tend to lose and/or maintain if I keep the amount of carbs that I consume to a very small proportion of my daily intake. The HCG protocol certainly adheres to low carb principles, but it's the mechanism of the hormone that actually causes me to be able to let go of excess fat and have it stay off. It's been extremely successful for me so far, but I realize that time will tell. And the HCG seems to be what finally stopped the tremors, twitches and restored my coordination (I had fallen 4 times in a month!). (Mind you, I had only the beginning symptoms, not an official diagnosis with spinal tap and all, and it was caught EARLY. I do not think that it will help people with advanced MS cases or people with lots of damage already done to their nervous systems. Your mileage may vary!) So I know that this protocol helps me with all of my health conditions and to lose weight, without causing me any other health issues.
My partner in crime for 19+, "A", has accompanied me on this journey. He's also lost over 100 pounds using the HCG protocol, stuck with me through thick and thin, and I'm extremely proud of him. Together we continue down this road towards health and freedom and a better life.
My highest recorded weight was 295, over 2 years ago now, though I may have been near that or even exceeded it several times during the last few decades as I've yo-yo'd up and down the scale. I have been overweight or obese since I was a toddler. In my case, I believe it has been a combination of lots of things. I have a genetic condition called Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia causing endocrine system imbalances leading to auto-immune problems, digestive problems, muscle and joint problems, and more, and I think that's the biggest issue. I also grew up on southern cooking/heavily processed low nutrition foods and was punished for not cleaning my plate. Additionally, I suffered severe childhood abuse of several varieties which lead to emotional eating and other bad food consumption practices, which was definitely a big factor. Don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for where I'm at now and know that it's up to me to make the necessary changes to lose weight. It has taken decades of being on my own as an adult to puzzle all this out and find my way back to the highest levels of health that I can achieve, but the cool thing is, I'm doing it.
I've lost over 100 pounds so far! It's been an amazing transformation of mind, body and spirit. My whole life is changing for the better, and I couldn't be happier. Like most change, this one started with crisis. I think I've learned that crisis is the thing that spurs most of us into action. Consequently, I have been learning to view problems in an entirely different light. It may sound cliche, but over and over again, coping with crisis has forced me onto higher ground.
Over the years I've strived to find answers to my health problems and emotional issues. Addiction of loved ones, my own addictions, relationship problems, severe depression, and health issues including severe pharmaceutical poisoning and early symptoms of MS all converged for me two years ago, and I hit bottom. Just to survive I began getting counseling for my depression, social anxiety, self-esteem issues and free myself from codependancy. Though not an alcoholic by any means, I still cut my drinking down significantly, began eating less and getting more exercise, started a more intensive qigong practice and found a naturopath who really knew how to help me. She put me on rounds of the HCG diet, and in combination supplements and my other healthy practices, the MS symptoms went away and have not returned for over a year now. And I've lost enough weight to officially move out of being classified as "obese."
In fact, I went from "morbidly obese" to "obese" to "overweight" in less than a year. According to the BMI chart, at 5'8", I should be 164 pounds or under to qualify as "normal". I am currently 27 pounds above that weight, but I'm betting, based on how my body looks and feels, that I could really stand to lose at least another 40 pounds to feel and look right. At the moment I'm maintaining my current weight and focusing on getting exercise and sunshine to boost my health and prevent any further development of the MS. I've quit my job to get away from pollution and emotional toxicity, and am going to spend the summer hiking, open water swimming and weight lifting.
I will start a new round of the HCG diet, possibly late July but I may wait until fall, depending on how I feel in the next few weeks. If you're familiar with the HCG diet, you know that it is restrictive and challenging, and after four rounds with the required maintenance periods in between, I'm finding that I kind of want a little more time off to enjoy going out with friends and family. Since I'm maintaining my weight well, I'm not too worried about when I get back on the train again, so to speak, but on the other hand, I'm eager for normality too.
Why the HCG diet? I know many in the weight loss blogosphere are against the concept of diet, and for lifestyle change instead, and I respect that. It works for them. Our bodies are all different. Calorie counting and exercise alone does not seem to work very well for me. I can restrict my daily calories to 1500 and lose no weight, even if I work out. My current health issues seem to make it extremely difficult to up my metabolism and lose weight. Low carb IS helpful for me, and I tend to lose and/or maintain if I keep the amount of carbs that I consume to a very small proportion of my daily intake. The HCG protocol certainly adheres to low carb principles, but it's the mechanism of the hormone that actually causes me to be able to let go of excess fat and have it stay off. It's been extremely successful for me so far, but I realize that time will tell. And the HCG seems to be what finally stopped the tremors, twitches and restored my coordination (I had fallen 4 times in a month!). (Mind you, I had only the beginning symptoms, not an official diagnosis with spinal tap and all, and it was caught EARLY. I do not think that it will help people with advanced MS cases or people with lots of damage already done to their nervous systems. Your mileage may vary!) So I know that this protocol helps me with all of my health conditions and to lose weight, without causing me any other health issues.
My partner in crime for 19+, "A", has accompanied me on this journey. He's also lost over 100 pounds using the HCG protocol, stuck with me through thick and thin, and I'm extremely proud of him. Together we continue down this road towards health and freedom and a better life.
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