Monkey See, Monkey Do

Last night after dinner, we were relaxing on the couch (yeah, great, right?), watching a rerun of "Game of Thrones" because we're excited about the upcoming season. Sooooo geeky! Anyways, we HAD walked a couple miles before dinner, as we have every night this week between weightlifting sessions, so I don't feel terrible about it. BUT we had already eaten big ol steaks and salad. I had found myself hungry again, plus trying to maximize protein intake, so I went and made a protein powder + 1 cup unsweetened almond milk shake, drank that down, felt satisfied for the night, went back to watch my show.

A few minutes later, A goes into the kitchen, comes back with an orange and a bag of trail mix. Now, this trail mix is just nuts (though including cashews, very starchy) and raisins, no sugar/grains or any of that smack. But still, I am trying to LOSE FAT while gaining muscle right now, and I just don't need those extra carbycarbycarbcarbs in the nuts and fruit form, which I know keeps me from losing, personally. He starts snacking on this. I KNOW this is the wrong thing to do. I think, man, there must be something better to be eating if you are still hungry, some form of protein.

So what did I do? I started eating it too. I find myself reaching into the bag repeatedly. I eat probably more than a big handful, maybe even two. Less than an hour before I will be going to bed. When I am not really hungry. For pleasure while watching the show. Then I find myself crankily telling A that this food is no good for us, we should be snacking on something else.

No bueno.

I realize that without A around, I NEVER snack late at night any more. But if he starts doing it, I do too. Does this mean A is to blame? Absolutely NOT! I need to take full responsibility for my own eating habits. Should I be saying ANYTHING to A about his habits? NO! I owe that boy an apology.

But somehow, all of these years, I give myself permission to eat whatever he's eating, whenever he's eating it. This has not gotten me good results, in the past. Partly because he's The Viking, standing almost a foot taller than my already somewhat tall self, with his linebacker freaking build, shoulders for miles. He NEEDS to eat more than me. I should not be eating as much as him. He weighs more than 90 pounds more than me right now. Eating like him will likely put me back up there, too!

But even beyond this...if he does give in to bad habits, as we all do sometimes, why does that mean I should?  I don't know why I still do this. Sometimes I don't, but often I do. So, if every time he feels he needs some extra calories, or just doesn't have the willpower to resist late night snacking, and I follow suit, and THEN I have my own lapses of willpower on top of that, well, that's the path to failure.

It's funny, because I've been able to divorce myself from everyone else's food behaviors around me, except for A. People might be eating cake, but they may as well be eating rocks, as far as I'm concerned. But A and I have been on this journey together for years now, and living together for over 20. Somehow, this makes it different, though it should not.

We've been, by all accounts, wildly successful overall. You can see how we've both progressed on the picture bar to the right, and those pictures don't even show us at our smallest. It's been over two and a half years since we started losing the weight this time, and though neither of us look/feel exactly as we'd like, we are still ex-obese and growing more athletic, with MUCH more normal food habits. I'm really proud of us.

But I must admit, I think I'm still attached to the idea that it's only "fair" that if he has a snack, I get one too. Even if I'm not hungry! There is still a little lingering disordered thinking, here. And possibly some enmeshment....A is not me and I am not A. I need to neither judge nor match his eating habits. I need to be adamant about taking care of myself. How do you remember to ask yourself, "Is this right for me, right now?" I do so much of the time.

I finally weighed in. Not a totally happy weight, but not TOO out of control. I need to step up my game this next week. Walk MORE. With or without A around. Eat less carby and at the right times, no matter what or when he or anyone else is munching. I want to fit back into my skinny jeans without the muffin top for L.A., the place where I feel fat at my skinniest! I want to be able to rock my clubwear because my friends have gigantic club plans for us, apparently. Gothy clubs and L.A. type clubs! You know what I'm talking about. I need to feel sexilicious. We leave next Thursday!

Monkey see, monkey don't! Or, as I have been advised...monkey see, monkey sit back and calmly observe. No knee-jerk reacting!

The Fingers You Have Used to Dial...Are Too Fat

So spotty this week! Just busy...including ups and downs.

Downs, I think, include my weight. I have not actually weighed, because it was getting neurotic. Clothes are BEGINNING to look a little better though.

Also downs include mood, though that was temporary. I am struggling on how to deal with alcoholic borderline/narcissistic personality close relative. They call me out of desperate need for emotional support every once in a while, though we used to be very close. For an hour and a half, we'll be having the best conversation, reconnecting, where I actually think I see a breakthrough in attitude. Suddenly, they seize on to some neurotic crazy notion that puts the locus of control back outside of themselves. This becomes a way to blame their problems on somebody else. Then they say something horrible to me, putting me on the defensive. I say something I am unhappy about (but is the truth), they get mad and hang up on me. Par for the course. I know that this can happen, any time I pick up the phone for them. I can't bring myself not to pick up the phone every once in a while. Still sad as hell, and brings me waaaaaaaay down, no matter how hard I try to tell myself that it's not my fault and I'm not responsible for the crazy. I do need to work on not becoming defensive in the face of it. That was yesterday, and it hurt a lot. Ah, well. I am starting to feel better again.

Power button broken on phone, an original Droid, which is also malfunctioning in 8 different other ways. Just passed my 2 year minimum on this phone, eligible for another upgrade. Of course the one I just NEED is $300 freaking dollars. A needs one, also, and he NEEDS one like the one I need. His phone is an embarrassment, now that he's going to be representing his company in tech demos and such. And we are paying for another person's phone, and they need a replacement, also. All the research has taken a LOT of time. I want a physical keyboard, but I want really great battery life and 4G LTE Android...so I think I need to give up the physical keyboard idea because the best thing out there for me is the Razr Maxx. But virtual keyboards slow me down and drive me crazy. Either I emanate a static force field the likes of which has been yet unimagined (possible), OR my fingers are too fat and I need a dialing wand. Thank you, Simpsons, for permanently placing that image in my head. A is forcing me to march down there and pick one out today, in any case.

Session 3 of Workout B, Occam's Razor, complete (as of Tuesday)! Again, JUST missed my minimum 7 reps for the Inclined Chest Press, 5.5 reps to failure at 40 pounds, but CRUSHED the leg press for 18.5 reps to failure at 120, with the minimum reps being 10! My legs are a teensy bit sore, but really not bad. Just like my workout A this time, my weakest muscles did NOT gain 100% in strength in two weeks flat, shockingly. But almost!

I am very convinced that if your lift starts at 20 lbs, then tiny kitten muscles that they are, you are NOT going to be able to double that muscle size in two week's time no matter how much protein powder you shovel in your piehole. And I have stopped shoving so much into my piehole! I just couldn't sustain it. I cut those beans out, cut my intake to 1 gram of protein per lb. of lean body weight, and my bloated belly seems to be receding quickly. I plan on weighing tomorrow to check on that. I do think that 1.25 grams was what somebody with testosterone and already a decent muscle-y build can really do something with, but for me it's so excessive my body can only try to shove that and all the calories that come with it into fat cells and sigh.

But look what my legs/glutes did with that! I am going to up my weight by 15 pounds next week, because I shouldn't be able to get more than a few past minimum.

Anyways, relieved to be going back to eating in a more normal fashion, for me. A little less fruit and cheese than I would normally eat, and no alcohol all week since Sunday. I am trying to be a good weight crushing kitty.

Awesome (Queer) Ode to Emotional Eating...

I assume this post may scare some of you away, for good.  I hope not, because I will always continue to read and support your blogs despite your beliefs and lifestyles that are so very different from mine. I do need to honor the parts of me that are different, and that this video has inspired some serious feelings regarding my own journey to a normal relationship with food and my body.

Part of the reason I went with "The Angry Inch..." as a blog title is because I am queer, though partnered with an (also queer) man, and part of a lovely and vibrant artistic community full of queer and queer-friendly people. "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" is one of my favorite movies of all time, an amazing musical about a transgendered rock star. So fair warning, this video and article and blog entry are going to offend you if you have issues with this. But you'll also be missing out on a funny and thoughtful piece piece of art about something that I think is something rather universal, in the end.

I came across this little gem recently, and it's where my weight-loss/body image world meets the other parts of my life. Rocco is a trans-man, and he and his friends, including Margaret Cho, made a fantastic, hilarious and extremely queer song/video about emotional eating.:



It was originally posted as part of this article about Valentine's day and emotional eating:

Rocco Katastrophe: Eat Everything

The article and the video both stir up a lot of feelings in me. One thing that keeps emerging for me is that it makes me NOT want to eat mindlessly ever again. The way the food is being treated in the video, the bingeing and grossness of it all reminds me of how I feel when I do act like that anymore. It also reminds me of how much more I love myself now because I am taking care of myself the way I deserve. This has NOTHING to do with being fat, thin, or anywhere in between. It is all about feeling my feelings, knowing whether I'm actually hungry or bored or trying to make myself feel better. I'm not saying I don't occasionally eat from boredom or emotional need, but I know now that I'm CHOOSING to do so instead of doing it mindlessly. It's getting easier all the time. So great to be healing in so many ways at once.

I am feeling a figurative lightness at this point. So unchained from what now seems like such slavery. Feeling like I needed to eat all the time. Feeling so trapped and unsexy. Instead, eating is something I get to do to be healthy and happy and sometimes for fun. I feel sexy, happy and so much more open to people. I am not done; I haven't got it all figured out by any means. But overall, life is very good.

Lastly, I'm really really happy and proud that my state (and several others, hurray!) has legalized gay marriage. So my queer friends and family don't have to eat their feelings, they can express them and live together as officially recognized families with their basic human rights intact like we all have deserved to all along.

The Journey So Far

Hello blogosphere.  I've blogged a little on this subject so far, but decided that a reboot was in order, keeping my weight loss and other aspects of my life in separate places.  So here I am, and I'd like to talk about the journey so far.

My highest recorded weight was 295, over 2 years ago now, though I may have been near that or even exceeded it several times during the last few decades as I've yo-yo'd up and down the scale.  I have been overweight or obese since I was a toddler.  In my case, I believe it has been a combination of lots of things.  I have a genetic condition called Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia causing endocrine system imbalances leading to auto-immune problems, digestive problems, muscle and joint problems, and more, and I think that's the biggest issue.  I also grew up on southern cooking/heavily processed low nutrition foods and was punished for not cleaning my plate.  Additionally, I suffered severe childhood abuse of several varieties which lead to emotional eating and other bad food consumption practices, which was definitely a big factor.  Don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for where I'm at now and know that it's up to me to make the necessary changes to lose weight.  It has taken decades of being on my own as an adult to puzzle all this out and find my way back to the highest levels of health that I can achieve, but the cool thing is, I'm doing it.

I've lost over 100 pounds so far!  It's been an amazing transformation of mind, body and spirit.  My whole life is changing for the better, and I couldn't be happier.  Like most change, this one started with crisis.  I think I've learned that crisis is the thing that spurs most of us into action.  Consequently, I have been learning to view problems in an entirely different light.  It may sound cliche, but over and over again, coping with crisis has forced me onto higher ground.

Over the years I've strived to find answers to my health problems and emotional issues.  Addiction of loved ones, my own addictions, relationship problems, severe depression, and health issues including severe pharmaceutical poisoning and early symptoms of MS all converged for me two years ago, and I hit bottom.  Just to survive I began getting counseling for my depression, social anxiety, self-esteem issues and free myself from codependancy.  Though not an alcoholic by any means, I still cut my drinking down significantly, began eating less and getting more exercise, started  a more intensive qigong practice and found a naturopath who really knew how to help me.  She put me on rounds of the HCG diet, and in combination supplements and my other healthy practices, the MS symptoms went away and have not returned for over a year now.  And I've lost enough weight to officially move out of being classified as "obese."

In fact, I went from "morbidly obese" to "obese" to "overweight" in less than a year.  According to the BMI chart, at 5'8", I should be 164 pounds or under to qualify as "normal".  I am currently 27 pounds above that weight, but I'm betting, based on how my body looks and feels, that I could really stand to lose at least another 40 pounds to feel and look right.  At the moment I'm maintaining my current weight and focusing on getting exercise and sunshine to boost my health and prevent any further development of the MS.  I've quit my job to get away from pollution and emotional toxicity, and am going to spend the summer hiking, open water swimming and weight lifting.

I will start a new round of the HCG diet, possibly late July but I may wait until fall, depending on how I feel in the next few weeks.  If you're familiar with the HCG diet, you know that it is restrictive and challenging, and after four rounds with the required maintenance periods in between, I'm finding that I kind of want a little more time off to enjoy going out with friends and family.  Since I'm maintaining my weight well, I'm not too worried about when I get back on the train again, so to speak, but on the other hand, I'm eager for normality too.

Why the HCG diet?  I know many in the weight loss blogosphere are against the concept of diet, and for lifestyle change instead, and I respect that.  It works for them.  Our bodies are all different.  Calorie counting and exercise alone does not seem to work very well for me.  I can restrict my daily calories to 1500 and lose no weight, even if I work out.  My current health issues seem to make it extremely difficult to up my metabolism and lose weight.  Low carb IS helpful for me, and I tend to lose and/or maintain if I keep the amount of carbs that I consume to a very small proportion of my daily intake.  The HCG protocol certainly adheres to low carb principles, but it's the mechanism of the hormone that actually causes me to be able to let go of excess fat and have it stay off.  It's been extremely successful for me so far, but I realize that time will tell.  And the HCG seems to be what finally stopped the tremors, twitches and restored my coordination (I had fallen 4 times in a month!).  (Mind you, I had only the beginning symptoms, not an official diagnosis with spinal tap and all, and it was caught EARLY.  I do not think that it will help people with advanced MS cases or people with lots of damage already done to their nervous systems.  Your mileage may vary!)  So I know that this protocol helps me with all of my health conditions and to lose weight, without causing me any other health issues.

My partner in crime for 19+, "A", has accompanied me on this journey.  He's also lost over 100 pounds using the HCG protocol, stuck with me through thick and thin, and I'm extremely proud of him.  Together we continue down this road towards health and freedom and a better life.