You're Doing It Wrong...

I have lost over 130 pounds, at the moment, counting recent slight regain (hopefully some of it muscle, as I am now lifting 1.5 - 2x what I was a month ago, overall.) I have fought my way, tooth and nail down from morbid obesity to slightly overweight. I know that the vast majority of people who lose large amounts of weight regain it, and then some. So I am paying lots of attention to other successful people's blogs, other success stories on the web. I need to focus, to plant my feet firmly in the grass, and hope to learn from others what works for them, choosing what makes sense for me.

I am noticing a disturbing trend recently. Many of these successful individuals, on a regular basis, point to other people's blogs, to their attitudes, beliefs, struggles, or to the myriad ways to lose weight, maintain or become more fit and say "You're doing it wrong!" This is disheartening to me.

Why? Well, for one thing, I know for a fact that what works for one does not work for another. You can stomp your feet and scream to the sky that your personal experience and/or your chosen brand of science supports this idea. It does not matter how nastily or confidently you state this. My personal experience does not bear this out.

I tried switching out beans for meat protein, for example, eating LESS calories but matching protein amounts and found myself gaining massive fat around the middle, while many people claim that just the opposite happens for them. My friend lost weight doing this, I did not. I was scrupulously honest in my approach. I do not have time to mess around with denial. I wish to change my body composition for the better, and beans did not work. For me.

I lost my weight my own way, a particular method which many people say is wrong. But I'm still here, still ex-obese for the first time in my entire life. I'm still reaching for the body that I want, adapting my lifestyle, working hard. I've seen many people who lost it the "right" way who are struggling, who regained some or all of their weight, and some who did so and disappeared from the blogging world forever and ever. I do not blame them or their methods of losing or maintaining weight. We are all in this together. Sometimes tragedy overwhelms us, or life has a different lesson to teach us just then. I only miss them and wish them well, not feeling any bitterness towards people in those circumstances. I have lost and regained before. I have spun off the track before. I understand how it can go. Many of the greatest success stories have lost and regained before, like Sean from The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser. What matters is that you keep trying.

Another example of "You're doing it wrong" I see a lot is accusing others of a bad attitude. Man, your life is not my life is not his life is not her life. We all need to be supportive of others and understand that they have daily circumstances and life experiences that have shaped them in very different ways than your own. Yeah, there is such a thing as a bad attitude, but pointing to someone or even to people in general and mocking them for their attitude is not going to help, and seems to me the worst attitude of all. Modeling good attitudes, such as finding joy in everyday life, of finding the motivation and strength to live well, of caring for oneself, not tearing down others to make one's self feel better is probably a gazillion times more helpful. Yes, I see the irony here...I'm guilty of criticizing right here and now. But my criticism is of this mean-spirited crap I keep seeing, not the person's own daily struggles. Nobody is always happy/in the groove/motivated. NOBODY.

I accept that each and every one of us has a unique voice, our own way of doing things, methods and struggles and philosophies. What I do not think is constructive is the negativity, the smug know-it-all-ness that points to other people's blogs and says "FAIL." You can choose to blog that way, but I will probably never follow you or un-follow you in the near future. Maybe some people need to hear these negative messages to be motivated, but that's pretty much the opposite of what I've learned about human psychology. It only makes me sick to my stomach when I start to hear that condescension come out. Yet I do see people jumping in together to be nasty, to point to others and mock. It feels so...high school. It feels like a failure to evolve.

I am inspired by other people's inspiration. That's what I find infectious. When they eloquently state what got them going, what keeps them going now, despite all odds. When they celebrate their victories, their beautiful transformation. When they speak honestly about their own struggles, or even when they struggle with their own honesty but keep talking about it. Who amongst us doesn't deceive ourselves, from time to time? No matter what methods each of us choose about eating and exercising and living life, we all have things we can learn from one another. We can support one another. It doesn't mean that we endorse that other person's particular method, that our own is invalid. Your own success and joy and light will attract far more converts to your way than "You're Doing It Wrong" could ever hope to. I would hope.