I'm Siiiiiiingin' in the Rain...

(Image borrowed from Crazy For Cult art contest)

Fresh back from an amazing trip to L.A. We were hoping for escape from the unusual cold-snap here in Seattle as well as the usual perpetual drizzle, but the trickster God of Vacation Weather frowned upon us and it was unseasonably frigid the whole time we were there and rained for several days. Ah well. It WAS sunny on either end of our stay, if chilly. AND, I got to sit 10 feet away from Malcom McDowell as he did a 30 minute introduction and Q&A after a brand spanking new remastered print of "A Clockwork Orange", telling amazing stories about Kubrick and how the movie got made, then emerge from the theater into the pouring rain. If you know "A Clockwork Orange", you know how "Singing in the Rain" gets stuck in your head on a loop, and I was so high on the experience happy...I did a little song and dance routine along Hollywood Boulevard on the way back to my friends' apartment, complete with simulated cane smacks and kicking. I have adored McDowell since I was 18 and first saw that movie, and I felt the same after seeing him as I did after I got to see some of my other life-long idols, like David Bowie or Iggy Pop. He was so charming and humble and smart and sweet. That was one of myriad highlights of an amazing trip, and overall I had a wonderful time.

I am certain that I have put on weight. My clothes are really fitting poorly. Some of it was deliberate choices to enjoy myself. I went to sushi with different friends a few times, because they wanted to and I missed it. I drank beer instead of wine several times when out or with St. Patty's day dinner, Guiness and potatoes, to enjoy the moment. But some of it was stress or alcohol induced eating.

I am realizing that our trips to L.A. have been a bit stressful for a number of reasons, including trying to maximize time spent with several friends there, and staying with some of those friends in an admittedly chaotic atmosphere. I realized that I comfort eat to deal with that, meaning eating starchy comforting foods and/or overeating. It's funny, because there are now only a few situations in which I comfort eat - sleep deprivation and stressful travel situations. But NOT stressful situations when I am at home. It must have something to do with not having familiar surroundings to comfort me.

I also eat poorly if I've been drinking excessively, which tends to only happen on vacation, or to help soothe the hangover after. A and I have noticed that we drink too much with our L.A. friends, and we think it's an association thing, since neither we nor our friends tend to drink too much without one another around. There is something about going out and/or celebrating holidays that we have come to associate with one another. St. Patrick's day in the wonderful historic but alcoholic Hollywood dive bar, The Frolic Room, for instance, didn't help circumstances one bit. My friends and I all talked about this together and committed to trying to do better next time, since none of use feel good after we behave this way.

One wonderful, amazing positive change that I have noticed...my self-confidence is SO much better now. I used to feel very nervous and self-conscious as I walked the streets of L.A. I had always felt that there was so much emphasis on image and thin-ness there. But there has been a sea-change inside me between just the last time and this. This time, I felt self-assured, confident, open. I began to see a totally different side of L.A., one where people were incredibly friendly and diverse. So many times and places, people would just walk up to me and start chatting. I made friends and had a great time everywhere I went. There was so much more happening, culturally, than the shallow, soul-less glitz that I had experienced before. Even in Hollywood, where my friends live right on the crazy main strip, I was able to see and feel so much more than that, the soul beneath the hype of it all. I know the change is in me.

This change is surely the cause of the new magnetism I feel with other people. On St. Patty's day at the Frolic Room, the life of the party cute guy in a jaunty hat and leather jacket became fascinated with me. With all these really cute young girls around! He just kind of honed in on me. Between his silly dancing antics, he was sweetly attentive and inquisitive, charming, well-spoken and informed. At the end of the night, he even asked me on a date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was amazing to me! He wasn't creepy or just aiming for sex. He wanted to get to know me. He was so intriguing. I really liked him.  I explained my situation with A, and he STILL urged me to see him. But no time for love, Dr. Jones. I was only there for a little time longer. In any case, so flattering! I must be beaming positive, happy, confident, sexy energy into the universe.

So here I am, happy, busy, in need of recovery from sleep deprivation and drinking too much, a few pounds heavier, trying to sort it all out. I spoke with my counselor some about the stress, and we figured out what had happened with the friends that had been stressful, what I had done right and what I could do better next time. I am definitely becoming more assertive and less concerned with other people's judgement/anger, we concluded, which is really good, for me. That has always been a problem of mine, historically. The work I've done over last three years have made a giant difference, and I am really reaping the benefits, physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is more work to do, but there is always more work to do. I feel no shame or guilt about the mistakes or choices I made. I am confident that I will keep moving in the right direction.

I am moving forward with Occam's protocol, (heavy weightlifting / lots of protein / minimal cardio to stimulate massive muscle growth) even though part of me wants to steer off into fat-loss mode, as I now am feeling kind of fat, for me. I do feel I should finish the 6 week commitment and get to where I can lift my bodyweight with my legs and get closer to where I can do a pull-up with my arms before I put that aside for a while. So close to my goals with this.

It's been so long since I've been able to write! I have yet to catch up with people's blogs, can't wait to see how everyone is doing. It will have to wait, maybe for another day or so, as I need to catch up on work, but I felt I couldn't put off writing any longer. I missed that outlet!

So for now, I feel good; happy, despite things not being perfect. So what if I'm a little heavier than I'd like? So what if I am not perfect at dealing with stress or conflict or communication issues or eating? Life is very good, overall. I can see and point to real progress in many realms. I have learned to relax and enjoy my surroundings so much more. Just like the song says, I'm singing and dancing in the rain....

The Gun Show

Pew! Pew!

FYI: I am being very brave here. I hate pictures of me, and I HATE my arms, especially the batwing phenomenon. There is some extra fat, but a lot of the yucky stuff near my underarm is very thin loose skin. All that being said, I want to show you something about what is happening as a result of the heavy weightlifting routine. Anyways, please be kind, I know the loose skin/fat factor is a little gross. I do know that losing more fat will help. More about this, below.

Workout A number 3 (of 6) of Occam's Protocal (from "The 4 Hour Body") last night: Overhead Supinated Pull Downs, Shoulder Press, Myotatic Crunches, Front Planks, Side Planks. Halfway through Occam's Workout A! Results: I absolutely KILLED the pull-downs. I think I got 11.5 reps to failure (more than half a set extra than the 7 minimum!) at 90 pounds, 10 pounds more than last week. Amazing!

The shoulder press, on the other hand, absolutely killed ME. Bumped from 30 to 40 this week, as instructed, but only made it to 5.5 reps, more than 1 less than minimum. Ferriss says that's a stall. If it had been on my first exercise, he would have wanted me to pack it up, take a whole day off, then try again the following day after that. But it wasn't, so I completed my workout. Since I failed to hit my minimum reps for that one, I'm to try that weight again next week. A also struggled to get his minimum reps in for that one, but he did.

Shoulder press is a bitch. It's my least favorite machine, as I may have mentioned in the past. I think those are my weakest muscles, out of all. I don't know why. Guess I don't lift many extremely heavy things straight up over my head. But I can see why I should do this one. It works the trapezius and also, most importantly for me, the triceps, which will continue to fill in the loose skin under my arms. I can actually see this happening! When I hold my arms up, bent at the elbow, all kinds of loose skin hanging there, plus some fat, which, if I lose that, is supposed to help that skin continue to shrink, at least a little. When I flex, the triceps really fill in! While I am under no illusion that this will totally eliminate the loose skin issue, hopefully this means that mine will actually fill in enough to not have to flex to see it, eventually. Here is a side by side comparison with NOT flexing on the left, obviously:

As you can see, I suck at holding the camera straight and had to rotate in photoshop. Ignore my purple shower and dirty mirror. But, you can hopefully also see how the tricep is coming into play here. I can see it a little on the non-flexed pic for certain, but flexed, woohoo! Mama said knock you out! It's a punchy muscle, to be sure!

But back to failure to reach my minimum reps on the shoulder press. According to Ferriss: "If you complete your required minimum of reps, add 10 pounds or 10% of the total weight in the subsequent workout, whichever is greater." Also from the book:

"What if I don't make the target number of repetitions?
This means one of two things: either you didn't stimulate growth mechanisms (insufficient failure during the last workout), or you haven't recovered (insufficient rest/food.)"

Okay, that might be well and dandy if you're lifting, say 85 pounds. But what if you started with 20, moved up to 30 the next week, and now you're scheduled for 40, as was the case for me. This is far, FAR more than 10% increase in strength required to push that amount of weight. In fact, I'm now attempting to press DOUBLE what I was pressing two weeks ago. Requiring 100% strength gain in two weeks. More than I would reasonably expect, no matter how bodaciously efficient your program claims to be.

So, okay, I'll just try again with the same weight next week. But I'll have to figure out what needs to happen if I fail again. I know I'm eating proper amounts of protein, and I don't think I'm having absorption problems. I got lots of rest, probably too much, lol. I am doubting it's recovery time increasing this soon. In fact, I just added an extra day in, as directed, after the completion of the second set of A and B workouts.

However, I think there MAY be a Double X factor, here. I know he says EVERYONE should be getting massive strength/muscle gains, to the tune of 2.5 pounds of new muscle a week (which I still find insane!) But does this really happen for women? While I am absolutely convinced weight training is a great thing for me to do, that I take to it naturally, that I may even put on bulkier muscle than most women, due to my documented sky-high DHEA levels (probably leading to downstream elevated androgens, though my testosterone level was totally normal for my gender), I have to wonder if this isn't a bit unrealistic in pace for me.

Though I have little patience for squeamishness over facts of life discussion, especially regarding those that affect roughly half or more of us, those of you who care not or are grossed out by the very idea that women have weird things happening in their bodies that you don't wish to understand, run away with your hands over your ears. Gone? Good.

This also begs the question - does time of the month have any effect on lifting ability? Did a little reading, many mainstream women's health articles gloss right over this. I think, sometimes, they worry that they will contribute to the idea that women are incapable and bad athletes because of inconsistency, yadayadayada. Nonsense. This article, however, was extremely useful:

Planet Estrogen Part 3: The Menstrual Cycle and Athletic Performance

There were many findings of note...that there's not been enough study done to begin with, being a large one. But, fatigue, lifting power, and joint mobility have been found to be affected by cycle, both by some studies and anecdotally. So much so that many coaches use a timed cycle approach. I won't quote the particulars, very long and technical, but the practical conclusions are clear. I will quote this:

"A coach who trains women for powerlifting related to me that he reduces intensity and volume during the week before and a few days into menstruation. He integrates low rep sets or decreases the weight load in order to compensate for increased fatigue and to preserve joint integrity.'

Of course, we know that hormones matter a LOT for performance in men, why wouldn't our monthly hormone fluctuations affect us? It seems to matter how powerfully you fluctuate. Mine are pretty bad, though they have gotten better with bio-identical progesterone cream made from mountain yams for the last half of my cycle. However...the article highlights that though the findings are confused, generally the first few days are the worst for fatigue and joint issues. That may explain my early failure, especially since this was the SECOND lift to failure of two for the day, first day of my cycle. I had never really noticed a difference in the gym til now, but I never attempted lifts to true failure before, either. I calibrated that beginning weight mid-cycle, at what turns out by some studies to be at the peak of my max strength. Hmmmm. Anyways, I'm keeping a weightlifting journal, so hopefully this will help me understand over time.

Quick Beany update - 24 hours later, no gas, no rumbling, no pain! This is revelatory! I can tolerate beans, it would seem! At least with cumin and vinegar added. I ate them twice yesterday. I definitely stayed full all day and no longer craved fruit. This morning, black eyed peas, sun-dried tomato chicken sausage, half a small-ish avocado. Black eyed peas need salt, otherwise bleah! I ended up adding a lot of pink salt, then they were the yum.

Somehow my weight has not magically dropped during the last 24 hours. In fact, it's up. But, ladies, you know you should really never weigh yourself during the first few days of your hormonal cycle. Men, you shouldn't either. If you're having one. It could happen. JK. Anyways, also, post heavy-lifting, also not so much, for water retention. So, I'll try to remain calm. And carry on...lifting heavy things!

Pew Pew!

Awesome (Queer) Ode to Emotional Eating...

I assume this post may scare some of you away, for good.  I hope not, because I will always continue to read and support your blogs despite your beliefs and lifestyles that are so very different from mine. I do need to honor the parts of me that are different, and that this video has inspired some serious feelings regarding my own journey to a normal relationship with food and my body.

Part of the reason I went with "The Angry Inch..." as a blog title is because I am queer, though partnered with an (also queer) man, and part of a lovely and vibrant artistic community full of queer and queer-friendly people. "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" is one of my favorite movies of all time, an amazing musical about a transgendered rock star. So fair warning, this video and article and blog entry are going to offend you if you have issues with this. But you'll also be missing out on a funny and thoughtful piece piece of art about something that I think is something rather universal, in the end.

I came across this little gem recently, and it's where my weight-loss/body image world meets the other parts of my life. Rocco is a trans-man, and he and his friends, including Margaret Cho, made a fantastic, hilarious and extremely queer song/video about emotional eating.:



It was originally posted as part of this article about Valentine's day and emotional eating:

Rocco Katastrophe: Eat Everything

The article and the video both stir up a lot of feelings in me. One thing that keeps emerging for me is that it makes me NOT want to eat mindlessly ever again. The way the food is being treated in the video, the bingeing and grossness of it all reminds me of how I feel when I do act like that anymore. It also reminds me of how much more I love myself now because I am taking care of myself the way I deserve. This has NOTHING to do with being fat, thin, or anywhere in between. It is all about feeling my feelings, knowing whether I'm actually hungry or bored or trying to make myself feel better. I'm not saying I don't occasionally eat from boredom or emotional need, but I know now that I'm CHOOSING to do so instead of doing it mindlessly. It's getting easier all the time. So great to be healing in so many ways at once.

I am feeling a figurative lightness at this point. So unchained from what now seems like such slavery. Feeling like I needed to eat all the time. Feeling so trapped and unsexy. Instead, eating is something I get to do to be healthy and happy and sometimes for fun. I feel sexy, happy and so much more open to people. I am not done; I haven't got it all figured out by any means. But overall, life is very good.

Lastly, I'm really really happy and proud that my state (and several others, hurray!) has legalized gay marriage. So my queer friends and family don't have to eat their feelings, they can express them and live together as officially recognized families with their basic human rights intact like we all have deserved to all along.

Zombie Blog Comes Alive

So, I didn't mean to abandon my blog. Looking back at the posts, I can see why I did.

Overly verbose.

Obsessive.

I actually had to stop reading the blogs for a while, also, for a number of reasons. I have problems with internet addiction, to be sure. Addictive personality that latches on to anything to avoid pain and problems.

But I am losing weight again. I am learning to be more honest and succinct. I appreciate the other bloggers who are out there, laying it on the line day after day. I wanted to tell any of you that care that I haven't given up, and neither should you.

I feel I've come a long way in the last year and a half. The weight loss has been a slow process. I did have to take some time off, because I needed some time to just live and breathe and not worry about it. I regained some, but not a lot, in the grand scheme of things. Recently re-tackled it all, and now I'm down to a lifetime low, and am according to the silly BMI numbers, no longer in the "Overweight" category. This isn't the truth, however, I still have some excess body fat that clearly needs to go. Which is fine, I'm currently working on it.

I'm about to ditch my current method of weight loss for good. The rounds of HCG did get me from morbidly obese to "normal." I'm looking at a number of other models. 4 Hour Body, Lean Gains, or just plain Paleo eating, plus increased activity. I feel I need to take the activity and exercise to the next level, or it will be forever backsliding and trying to regain lost ground.

I'm dreaming of hiking to Camp Muir, the climbing camp on Mount Rainier at over 10,000 feet. We were going to take the Alpine Scrambling course offered by the Mountaineers to prepare for that, but could not afford it this year. Instead, we're planning on snowshoeing classes and training hikes starting mid-late February, as soon as I get off this round. This will not get us ready for Camp Muir, as I believe we need the navigation and safety training to safely cross the Muir Snowfield, but I do believe we will take some epic hikes this summer.

Lastly, it would seem that my paternal Grandma has probably not got long to live. Due to a complicated abusive family situation, we have been kept apart mostly for 20 years or more. I miss her and feel terrible about it. I am thinking about throwing caution to the wind, going out to see her despite the issues involved. I talked to her yesterday and cried for quite a while afterwards. I may have to abandon my current protocol to do so, as just for this particular protocol it's honestly too difficult to follow while traveling. Which is really tough, because my doctor will not allow me to go back on it for a year, and I don't plan to, ever. I am scared I won't be able to shed the 13 pounds or so I want to without it. But I am more scared that I will never get to see her again. Weight loss is not worth a lifetime of regret.

This has been a deeply emotionally trying time. The last few years I have worked really hard to learn to face my fears and stop avoiding painful things, and now I really must face up to this, too.

Progress pictures and welcome!

I've added progress pictures to my blog.  It was a hard decision to make, as I'm really shy about how I look, even now, but I'm glad I did.  Looking at that little filmstrip to the right is very motivating!  I've never actually sat down and done this before.  It's truly helpful. Still struggling to grasp a new body image, over a hundred pounds lighter.  I'm finally really seeing what a difference it's made, where I still need to go, and coming to accept that I probably really do need to weigh just about HALF of what I weighed at my heaviest.  Wow!  And that's okay.  If I can achieve that, then I'll have really done something to feel good about.  When I first started losing weight, I had no idea where I needed to be. I made my first goal 180, which I still haven't quite reached. Decided not to change that goal until I get there, but really, my ultimate ideal weight is probably somewhere between 140 - 155.  Just a guess, based on what I look like now at this weight.  We'll see as we get closer.

The amazing and lovely 266 gave me an award, only on my old blog!  I'll follow up on that tonight, when I have a little more time.  But thank you so much!  She's one of the most inspirational bloggers I've ever read, while losing over 100 pounds and becoming a complete athlete in the process.   Anyways, for those people now viewing my blog for the first time, welcome and thanks for coming by!  I promise to post more often.  I've been spending a lot of time in the sun, a rarity around these parts.

Quick exercise update - A and I did our first Greenlake crossing and back last week!  We made it, about 1 mile, with brief rests in about 90 minutes.  I am a VERY slow open water swimmer, but proud of my increasing endurance.  Hopefully I can speed things up with more practice, like we did last (exceptionally hot) summer.  We've been hiking and going for walks most days that it wasn't hot enough to swim.  I've been having some muscle and joint aches, flaring auto-immune things.  Hopefully that might die down, may need to watch my diet a little more closely.  But I'm happy with my overall activity level, though there's always room for improvement.  Now it's time for some activity!

The Journey So Far

Hello blogosphere.  I've blogged a little on this subject so far, but decided that a reboot was in order, keeping my weight loss and other aspects of my life in separate places.  So here I am, and I'd like to talk about the journey so far.

My highest recorded weight was 295, over 2 years ago now, though I may have been near that or even exceeded it several times during the last few decades as I've yo-yo'd up and down the scale.  I have been overweight or obese since I was a toddler.  In my case, I believe it has been a combination of lots of things.  I have a genetic condition called Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia causing endocrine system imbalances leading to auto-immune problems, digestive problems, muscle and joint problems, and more, and I think that's the biggest issue.  I also grew up on southern cooking/heavily processed low nutrition foods and was punished for not cleaning my plate.  Additionally, I suffered severe childhood abuse of several varieties which lead to emotional eating and other bad food consumption practices, which was definitely a big factor.  Don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for where I'm at now and know that it's up to me to make the necessary changes to lose weight.  It has taken decades of being on my own as an adult to puzzle all this out and find my way back to the highest levels of health that I can achieve, but the cool thing is, I'm doing it.

I've lost over 100 pounds so far!  It's been an amazing transformation of mind, body and spirit.  My whole life is changing for the better, and I couldn't be happier.  Like most change, this one started with crisis.  I think I've learned that crisis is the thing that spurs most of us into action.  Consequently, I have been learning to view problems in an entirely different light.  It may sound cliche, but over and over again, coping with crisis has forced me onto higher ground.

Over the years I've strived to find answers to my health problems and emotional issues.  Addiction of loved ones, my own addictions, relationship problems, severe depression, and health issues including severe pharmaceutical poisoning and early symptoms of MS all converged for me two years ago, and I hit bottom.  Just to survive I began getting counseling for my depression, social anxiety, self-esteem issues and free myself from codependancy.  Though not an alcoholic by any means, I still cut my drinking down significantly, began eating less and getting more exercise, started  a more intensive qigong practice and found a naturopath who really knew how to help me.  She put me on rounds of the HCG diet, and in combination supplements and my other healthy practices, the MS symptoms went away and have not returned for over a year now.  And I've lost enough weight to officially move out of being classified as "obese."

In fact, I went from "morbidly obese" to "obese" to "overweight" in less than a year.  According to the BMI chart, at 5'8", I should be 164 pounds or under to qualify as "normal".  I am currently 27 pounds above that weight, but I'm betting, based on how my body looks and feels, that I could really stand to lose at least another 40 pounds to feel and look right.  At the moment I'm maintaining my current weight and focusing on getting exercise and sunshine to boost my health and prevent any further development of the MS.  I've quit my job to get away from pollution and emotional toxicity, and am going to spend the summer hiking, open water swimming and weight lifting.

I will start a new round of the HCG diet, possibly late July but I may wait until fall, depending on how I feel in the next few weeks.  If you're familiar with the HCG diet, you know that it is restrictive and challenging, and after four rounds with the required maintenance periods in between, I'm finding that I kind of want a little more time off to enjoy going out with friends and family.  Since I'm maintaining my weight well, I'm not too worried about when I get back on the train again, so to speak, but on the other hand, I'm eager for normality too.

Why the HCG diet?  I know many in the weight loss blogosphere are against the concept of diet, and for lifestyle change instead, and I respect that.  It works for them.  Our bodies are all different.  Calorie counting and exercise alone does not seem to work very well for me.  I can restrict my daily calories to 1500 and lose no weight, even if I work out.  My current health issues seem to make it extremely difficult to up my metabolism and lose weight.  Low carb IS helpful for me, and I tend to lose and/or maintain if I keep the amount of carbs that I consume to a very small proportion of my daily intake.  The HCG protocol certainly adheres to low carb principles, but it's the mechanism of the hormone that actually causes me to be able to let go of excess fat and have it stay off.  It's been extremely successful for me so far, but I realize that time will tell.  And the HCG seems to be what finally stopped the tremors, twitches and restored my coordination (I had fallen 4 times in a month!).  (Mind you, I had only the beginning symptoms, not an official diagnosis with spinal tap and all, and it was caught EARLY.  I do not think that it will help people with advanced MS cases or people with lots of damage already done to their nervous systems.  Your mileage may vary!)  So I know that this protocol helps me with all of my health conditions and to lose weight, without causing me any other health issues.

My partner in crime for 19+, "A", has accompanied me on this journey.  He's also lost over 100 pounds using the HCG protocol, stuck with me through thick and thin, and I'm extremely proud of him.  Together we continue down this road towards health and freedom and a better life.