Beans, beans, the magical fruit?

Ok, so I really want to try and cut down on the burgeoning belly fat. Last night I went out, and my poor fancy shirt's buttons were shuddering under the strain of it al. This new gain is bumming me out. Gonna go whole hog on the Slow Carb, from Tim Ferriss' "4 Hour Body", instead of half-assing it. No more fruit/nuts/cheese except Saturday Cheat Day, as is prescribed. And now, checking to see if, as Ferriss claims, beans is the magic key to unlocking success with this new diet.

Added beans into my daily dietary mix this morning. A and I shared a can of black beans from Trader Joe's along with our sausage.

Considering how much gastrointestinal distress they have caused me in the past, I realized I had forgotten to procure any bean digestive aids along the way. Ferriss recommends rinsing the canned beans to get rid of the oligosaccharides that are soaked out in the liquid, but I like the liquid from black beans. I remembered reading somewhere that there were some food ingredients you could add to beans to help digest the oligosaccharides. A quick google search lead me to Wikipedia, of all places:

"Many edible beans, including broad beans and soybeans, contain oligosaccharides (particularly raffinose and stachyose), a type of sugar molecule also found in cabbage. An anti-oligosaccharide enzyme is necessary to properly digest these sugar molecules. As a normal human digestive tract does not contain any anti-oligosaccharide enzymes, consumed oligosaccharides are typically digested by bacteria in the large intestine. This digestion process produces flatulence-causing gases as a byproduct.^[12][13] This aspect of bean digestion is the basis for the children's rhyme "Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit".

So THAT would explain my extreme stomach discomfort and gas with both beans and anything cruciferous. I had to stop eating broccoli for many years. Also, I always remembered that rhyme as "Beans, beans the MAGICAL fruit." Am I mistaken? Skipping down:

"In many cuisines beans are cooked along with natural carminatives such as anise seeds, coriander seeds and cumin. Other strategies include soaking beans in water for several hours before mixing them with other ingredients to remove the offending sugars. Sometimes vinegar is added, but only after the beans are cooked as vinegar interferes with the beans' softening."

Score! I rifled through the spice cabinet (yes, a whole cabinet devoted to spices, haha!) and found the cumin, tossing in generous amounts. Threw in a few capfuls of apple cider vinegar. Stirred and tested...Tasty! It's been about 3 1/2 hours, now...so far, so good! Stomach not rumbling, no gas pain. Knock on wood! And they taste really good. Like, too good to be good for me good. Let's hope not.

Beans are, by nature, starchy. Up til now, I've avoided them for many years, on that basis. I didn't eat them on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet that I followed to fix my gut, successfully, a decade ago. I mostly avoided them on "The Zone," and I lost 80 pounds at that time (before eventually regaining, and then some.) I was told not to eat them on many phases of the HCG diet that most recently dropped me out of obesity. But Ferriss recommends eating them on his Slow Carb Diet, with the theory that they are digested slowly because of all the fiber, thus avoiding spiking the insulin while adding valuable protein. I need protein from less caloric sources than the enormous piles of fatty meat I've been chowing down to meet the Occam's Protocol protein requirements. He also claims they stop hunger, which I think I agree with, so far. Was craving food a LOT before on my half-assed version of Slow Carb, especially fruit. Today, not at all.

I need to add more veggies to the mix, though. I should steam broccoli and cauliflower and things of that sort more often. It's hard for me to picture my salads without the cheese, fruit, nuts, minimal dressing (though I already use dressing with NO sweeteners and fairly low calorie counts, such as Trader Joe's Tuscany Italian). I want like crazy for goat cheese to be okay, buuuuut it's probably not. He says no dairy at all.

I've already cut out the milk I was using for my protein shakes, substituting Trader Joe's unsweetened almond milk instead. Amazingly, it tastes so much less sweet! Apparently I could TASTE the sweetness of the lactose in the whole milk. 13 carbs per cup! The almond milk has 2 grams of carbs, less than 1 of sugar. The downside of this switch, almond milk has 1 gram of protein, vs. 8 grams in whole milk. But 40 calories rather than a whopping 150 per cup in the milk. Sooooo...to comply with Slow Carb and give my waistline a chance, no milk, no cheese (sob!), no yogurt, no fun.

But I should give this a decent shot to see if my waistline comes back under control while I continue trying to gain muscle. Thanks for bearing with my current floundering. So hard to leave a method that worked and find a new way towards my goals. We'll see how this goes!

I Am On Your Side

So, since transitioning from morbid obesity to a relatively normal weight, I've noticed people making a LOT of assumptions about me that are different than the ones they used to make. One of those assumptions is that I am now fat-prejudiced. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I realize that I sometimes talk about how fat I feel from eating certain things, or re-gaining some fat. I don't ever also say this means I am a bad person, or less of a person, or imply that this is the worst thing ever. I do imply that it's not my aim, because my aim is to change my body composition to include less fat, at this point. It's my current choice. I feel better, and it's what I want, at this time, for myself. But not anyone else, unless that's also what they want/need for health's sake and happiness.

So complex.

I do not judge. I was obese since early childhood. I totally know how it feels to be judged, put down, hurt again and again over my weight. I know this. Anybody who thought making fun of me was helping was wrong. This caused me massive pain, depression, withdrawal, life-long self-esteem issues. That is not the way to help. In fact, it's just none of your business. Not attracted to fat people? Pay attention to the people you are attracted to and leave people alone. Bullies only do so to make themselves feel better.

I find myself attracted to people of many weights/sizes, in fact. There was a girl I talked to this week, who I've met a couple times before. She is a comedian, and she is awesome. She is much younger than me and dresses like I sometimes do/often used to when younger. I am NOT trying to hit on her, but I do think she is cute. She and others assumed I have never been particularly heavy. She is down on herself because of her weight. She also talked sneeringly about people with "skinny person problems", like having to jump up and down to stay warm while hanging outside with the smokers in the cold, as I was. I am not all that skinny, but my metabolism has always been pretty bad, and losing weight has made me get cold very easily.

I told her that she was totally cute as she is, which she truly is. I also told her my story, and some of the issues I have that are a trade-off. We had a really good talk, and parted friends. I can't stand the idea that people think I'm like that, and because I want her to feel good about herself, whatever she weighs. We talked about finding a happy weight, and about feeling good no matter what you weigh, because it's just not that important. I'm trying really hard for that now.

It's hard to tease all this out. If it's "not that important", why did I go through all this work and discipline? Why am I trying now? I guess you decide what's important to you, when. BUT, in the grand scheme of the universe and the value of your very life, your own soul...is your body weight the important thing? Is it really?

If you feel like the weight is standing in between you and what you want, then you can make it a goal to get rid of it. If you don't, and you're happy, then that is your choice. Either way, you're still you. It doesn't mean you're a bad human being, either way.

I've been watching the series "My 600 lb. Life." They followed several 600 + lb. patients after weight loss surgery for 7 years, and documented the results. These shows are really well-made, and touching. I've gotten A hooked on the show, too. They make us cry. I am cheering for them the whole way. I do identify with many of their issues, even though I have never been that big. It's awesome to see what happens in the long term. Often they struggle down, sometimes to "normal" BMI weights, often not, then rebound up again, but usually catch it before they go too far back up to function as normally as they wish to. They find that happy weight, and their lives are transformed because they can now do the things that the weight stood in the way of. I think that's the key, for me or anyone else.

So if you want to lose fat, I am cheering you on. If you don't, I am celebrating you as you are. I do think you can be fat and fabulous, because I know many fat, fabulous people. I think you can be skinny and a wretched human being too. OR, skinny and fabulous and wonderful! The weight doesn't matter, in this regard. I don't want this to come across pollyanna, I know the issues are complex, but I also want to say...just because I want to/don't want to change my body is no reflection on yours. As long as you are not seeking to harm, I am on your side.

Planked!

Got busy, but weekend went differently than I had previously imagined.

Occam's Protocol, Workout B number two...Crushed! Another 10% strength gain for both lifts for both of us. Woohoo! I did 1.5 reps and 2.5 reps past failure on my two lifts, again, just about perfect. I am lifting the right amount. We added planks to our ab routine this time! They are tough and I LOVE them. Fun! Weird! I felt like a superhero or something. My whole body shook with effort, but I could do it - 30 seconds each time, front and both sides. Happy times! Brand new muscles accessed, for sure. The leg press, man I tell you. I can see new definition in my calves, I swear it!

Our friend talked us into going to a comedy show , The Humor Program at The Naked City brewpub in Greenwood, rather than sushi post workout as we had planned. The comedy shorts that were part of this show were really excellent, and the show was fun. We had a great time with our buddies. As for food...this was carby cheat day, so...we did! Legitimately. But it was JUST post massive leg-press weight-lifting-to-failure workout. And everyone at the table ordered fries. And I was so hungry. So very hungry. Ate toooooo many fries. Had a great brisket sandwich, baby greens salad, aaaaaand three beers.

Ok, I was supposed to eat carbs and many more calories than usual. So it's not like I was off plan. But we felt really really yucky the next day. Not used to eating like that. At all. And I am still bloated and feel...fat.

However, we eventually pulled our shiznit together and went for a hike on Sunday. A baby-hike, but a hike nonetheless. Wallace Falls State Park, with a series of amazing waterfalls cascading down beautiful craggy and rounded snow-capped mountains. It was, however one of the coldest days here in a while, and it was snowing on us. Oh well! We decided, because of our late start and sore thighs to go up as far as was prudent. We made it up to the middle falls, 4.2 miles round trip, about 800 lil baby feet in elevation. And my hips and knees still hurt on the way back down. Mind you, last summer we were doing almost three times that elevation gain. I am looking forward to hiking without having just crushed my lower half on the press the night before. That's the plan, moving forward. It was so peaceful, though, and beautiful. The trees were covered with a spring green moss that glowed in the sunlight. The river wove back and forth under bridges that the trail crossed over. The snow dusted mountains above framed every view.

In any case, proud of us for getting out there and starting our conditioning hikes, for sticking to the lifting plan, and for being flexible enough to change our plans to include friends and some decent entertainment/art.

I am still struggling with how much/what to eat. In the meantime, eating a lot to get all 150 grams of protein in a day for muscle growth. I think it's working, but yeah...I'm seeing fat gain too. Tomorrow I get to go grocery shopping. I am going to pick up....drum roll please...BEANS! They have been historically problematic for me. But I want to give it another shot, to more closely adhere to the Slow Carb diet. I haven't made it all the way there yet. I should probably cut all fruit, nuts, cheese except cheat day. Eat veggies instead, and lower fat meats. Or not care about the fat gain. Guess I'll keep see-sawing in my attitude until I make up my mind. :)

But overall, I'm happy to be where I am right now. Happy with where I'm heading. I know I'll figure it out. I can't have gotten all the way here without continuing on.

Saturday Cheat Day

Food porn warning! Read at your own peril!

So I'm supposed to cycle carbs in and up my calories one day a week, in order to trick my body into going "Hey! Look at that! We're eating a bunch of rich-ass food! I guess we don't have to hang on to every ounce of fat we're given after all." Why did I write that in plural? Perhaps I was imagining the teeming hordes of my fat cells speaking? Also, psychologically speaking, this seems a sound strategy. Keeps you from exploding into binge-y crazyland. So I sally forth, ready for piggy goodness to ensue. Though practically speaking, going for mostly low-carb-but-carbier-than-allowed-on-other-days options.

Supposed to kick off with protein, so I went straight to the Jarrow Brown Rice Protein Powder and organic whole milk. Trying to use up the last of that milk and switch to something a little less carb-y for future protein powder consumption. Then I made coffee and started cooking my newly discovered Fluffy Coconut Flour Pancakes. Ohhhhhh myyyyyyy! (Yes, you SHOULD imagine George Takei saying this.) They are OBSCENELY delicious. Dare I say, better than wheat flour pancakes? I dare! That is a picture above stolen from the recipe site's page, Nourishing Days. Thank you thank you thank you for this recipe! I got there via a post on Mark's Daily Apple, which is also an awesome site on Primal eating and fitness, which I would say most closely aligns with what want to eat and do for the rest of my life when I am done experimenting with 4 Hour Body stuff. In case you never heard of it.

In my version, I used up more of the whole milk, as I am fresh out of coconut milk, and a tablespoon of honey as the sweetener. Also, I subbed aluminum-free baking powder in for the baking soda by accident, but they were so fluffy and delicious, that is now part of MY recipe. I cut up strawberries and washed some blueberries and heated some honey in a jar in a pan of water to make it extra pourable, and stuck all that plus some grass fed butter on the hot cakes before eating. Also, we had some porkalicious uncured organic sausage. Excellent breakfast achieved.

This all will go pretty well with the heavy lifting scheduled for today, so that we don't bonk. Tonight, we do Workout B numero dos! I am guessing and hoping and begging the universe that without the added stresses of calibration, the leg press won't leave me with a bad case of the Peg Leg for the next few days, like last time. Though again, that got better shockingly fast, compared to the sheer amount of pain I was in (trust me, I'm no pain wimp, either. Kind of the opposite, actually. But I don't want to hurt myself, so I listen to my body!)

SOOOO excited to see what I can lift this week. I really really really hope my legs and chest press are gonna show massive strength gain like Workout A did this week. I haven't been this psyched to go to the gym, um, EVER. Love Occam's Protocol. I know I will need to switch to more functional fitness later, including way more conditioning, but in the meantime, this is really fun.

After the workout? Sushi!!!!! I love sushi, and I never get to have it because of the rice. (Sashimi, while awesome, is just NOT the same.) I love salmon nigiri, ono nigiri, amoebi (raw nigiri with the heads tempura fried separately!), ohitashi, spider rolls. Oh happy day. I am doing the snoopy dance thinking about this. Also, possibly beer. Which I am also crazy for and never get to have. So these are the actual very carby treats that I'm going for today.

Lastly, A and I and a dear friend/roommate have been talking over the issues with gaining muscle and fat gain. While we will try to be careful, maybe add in some more leaner meat meals, and stay off the fruits most days, we've decided we will not kill ourselves to try and lean out during this time period. We're going to try to minimize fat gain, but not freak the F out. I can see I've gained a LITTLE around the waist, too. But I'm not going to risk not putting on enough muscle due to protein deprivation, nor am I going to restrict myself to nothing but bland lean meats and steamed broccoli. I think that mostly staying off fruit, completely staying off sugar and grains and starch 6 days a week is deprivation enough. I am not a fitness model. I am a (semi-) normal human being with a normal weight, trying to gain some muscle for my sports of choice, hiking, scrambling, open water swimming, and continued weightlifting fun times. And to try and up my metabolism, after dieting it into the freaking ground.

After this 6 week period, I will start intense conditioning, lots of hiking and kettlebell swinging and try to cut fat down through diet for a little while. It will be spring. I'm guessing it will come pretty naturally, without having to stuff that much protein down my craw every day.

I know I'm see-sawing a bit here. Hard to overcome that panicky feeling of seeing minor gains after losing so very much weight. Just have to remember, I am WORLDS away from what I used to be, 2 1/2 years ago. For instance, I haul my ass into the gym on a regular basis. I take 4 - 6 mile walks without even thinking twice about it. We don't even have junk food in the house, a fact that lead our roommate to comment on how he's been naturally losing weight because that crap is never around. We cook all of our meals completely from scratch, and naturally reach for meat and veggie options only at restaurants. My ass occasionally fits into single digit clothing (though that is clearly size inflation.) Time to stop freaking out and live.

Warning! Warning! ALA Blood Sugar Disaster!

Yesterday, I bonked. On a gentle walk home from dinner. On the tiny hill blocks away from home. Dizziness, shaking, nausea, complete loss of energy.

The culprit?

I believe it was 2 glasses of red wine + ALA.

ALA is Alpha Lipoic Acid. It's part of a supplement "stack" that I take as part of the 4 Hour Body's recommendations for fat loss/maintenance during Slow Carbing/training. It's actually a really great supplement, and I've used it before. It has all sorts of beneficial effects, as a powerful antioxidant, chelator of heavy metals, increasing glutathione levels naturally, and most interestingly, reducing fat storage/ triggering muscle building/glycogen storage instead. However, and this is important...it lowers your overall blood sugar levels. This can be very handy for diabetics. However, if you aren't eating carbs, and you do other things that cause your blood sugar to crash, for instance DRINK ALCOHOL, and then put demands on your body/blood sugar - you can get into serious trouble. I found a few mentions of this out there, after the fact.

Except for the wine, I had no carbs with dinner. Only small amounts of delicious charcuterie meats and duck confit, a tiny amount of cheese, excellent tasty roast brussel sprouts with bacon and spring greens salad with shaved radish. Oh, and four see-through-thin slices of apple, which tasted amazing with a little lemon-thyme goat cheese. The only other carbs were two glasses of Syrah. A, on the other hand, cheated...he ate some of the bread that came with the meat and cheese, and he was unpleasantly surprised to discover that what he thought was olive oil, after soaking the bread in it, was honey! So he got a good shot of carbs, overall.

The walk to and from this awesome charming North Seattle restaurant is 4 miles, round trip. The last of it is up a small hill. Usually, that ain't nothin to me any more. This time, once I got to the hill, I realized that I felt more and more exhausted, shaky, dizzy. I felt like I would throw up. It hit me like a ton of bricks - this is low blood sugar! I told A, we stopped, and I ate half a Larabar. But I think all the fat and greens fiber in my tummy kept it from hitting my bloodstream very fast. I rested for a minute, then crawled miserably up the hill, clinging to A for dear life.

When I got home, I flopped down on the couch, still shaking violently, still nauseous. I could hardly keep my eyes open, I was so low on energy. A brought me a Zevia cream soda, which has some erythritol, enough sugar to be absorbed quickly. Then he loaded up some peanut butter on my failed chocolate coconut flour cake experiment and a few spoonfuls of apple sauce and brought that out. I ate that, and slowly began to feel okay. When I got the energy to stand, I went and took a bath because my body temperature had dropped and I was freezing.

I bonked. A didn't. A had carbs. I didn't. A drank more alcohol than me, though, to be fair, he is at least 80 pounds heavier or so.

No bueno.

Tim Ferriss, in 4 Hour Body, mentions that he takes these supplements and drinks 2 glasses of red wine most nights. But he is not me. Other people say they have to be careful with it and alcohol. I have a couple glasses of wine 2 - 4 times a week, usually if we are eating out or watching Hoarders, lol. I don't often do a significant amount of exercise after, though. I have decided that if I am going to consume wine AND do anything physical, I will skip the ALA for that meal. I may be taking too much altogether, will revisit that too.

So let that be your lesson folks. Supplements are NOT free of side effects. They can interact with lots of things, including alcohol. Those side effects can be serious! I felt very very ill. If I hadn't had a Larabar handy, I might have fainted or worse. Supplements can be very powerful. Please be careful out there. Watch yourself for signs of side effects when you are taking them. Do a little research about what could happen.

I'm a tiny bit angry at Ferriss for not mentioning such a thing. He does stress that you should make sure you are getting adequate B-vitamins. He doesn't mention specifically that ALA can sap thiamine, especially if you are an alcoholic (which I am not.) And the meal that I ate was rich in thiamine, actually, so I don't think it was that. But ALA IS a powerful regulator of blood sugar levels. And obviously, for me, I was not able to access enough energy to finish my walk without serious consequences.

Okay, gotta get SOME work done this week. Be safe!

Beefcake! BEEFCAAAAKE!

Beefcaaaaake!

Okay, second session of the "4 Hour Body" Occam's Protocol Workout A, done! Arms feel a teensy sore, but this will probably be MUCH worse by tomorrow. :) Though without the calibration overwork of last time, it may not be so bad.

It took NO time at all to get in and out of that gym. None. It seemed ridiculous. Had to resist the temptation to do MORE.

Lifting to failure was crazy, though. Added 10 pounds of weight to last week's weight on both machines. Made it past my minimum reps by like, 1.5 reps, which is totally fine and on track. Means I'm lifting the correct amount. Struggled like a mofo, trying to inch that weight stack up, held that right there as long as I could when it stopped moving upwards, shaking and grimacing, then slowly lowered it. The book says 5 - 10 seconds on the lowering part, which I think I achieved.

So, it's good...I know that I have made significant strength gains because this week. On the shoulder press, I lifted the same weight to failure with significantly more super-slow paced reps than my fast-paced 5-reps-or-less failure weight from last week. On the pull-down, where I was lifting MUCH more weight overall, I again did significantly more super-slow reps at 80% of that previous 5 rep fast-paced failure weight on the other. Proof positive that muscle growth has occurred. Crazy to think I can just keep bumping my weights up 10 pounds or more a week from this tiny amount of lifting!

And I don't hate using the shoulder press now. I used to avoid that one like the plague. I don't know why I hated that lift so much. It just seemed to be my weakest. And now I am already lifting more on that one than I ever used to. Next week, shoulder press 40 pounds! Overhead pull-downs, 90 pounds! I know for your gym rats that is pa-the-tic, but to me it's amazing. Two rounds of this protocol (probably 3 - 4 months worth, though you should break it up) would theoretically put me within reach of enough strength to do actual body-weight chin-ups!

A, on the other hand, was astounding. On the pull-downs, he did 14.5 reps to failure, more than twice the minimum reps. I don't think he realized that what he was doing was too easy. If within the first two reps it feels like you're going sail past your minimum, you're supposed to stop, wait 5 minutes, add 5 - 10 pounds to the already increased weight, and do a single set to failure. Maybe he knows what too easy feels like now. As I predicted, though, I think this means that he's freaking thriving on this protocol. He puts on muscle easy-peasy. I KNEW I could already see a big difference in his arms. He will probably be able to increase his weights 15 pounds a week pretty often.

I've been giving a lot of honest, painful thought to the food thing. Worried about becoming Cartman in the Weight Gain 4000 episode a little bit, here...deceiving myself into thinking that eating this way while only walking and doing minimum lifting per week won't result in fat gain. Poking around the net, re-reading Ferriss' thoughts on the subject.

Should cut down on the overall calories, though I haven't been counting. Probably should stick with full compliance to ONE protocol at a time. Maybe I really can digest beans and tolerate the carbs in them now. Maybe I really should try giving the Slow Carb diet a fair shot. Talking to A about it, he's on board. Gonna switch out the whole milk (now this WAS Ferriss' suggestion, but I think more for people who have trouble gaining on Occam's), for something like unsweetened hemp or So Delicious coconut or almond beverage mixed with my protein powder to cut down on overall calories and carbs. Suck it up and stop eating any fruit/"low carb" (but relatively carby) treats such as chocolate coconut flour cake during the week. Have my glorious cheat day to upregulate metabolism once a week. Buckle the fuck down. Actually put on muscle that you can SEE, instead of becoming a big blob of fat pretending to be doing something healthy, waddling around, crowing about my "progress" when everyone just sees me getting fatter. BEEFCAAAAAKE!

Peg-Leg Update

Okay, no longer peg-legging my way around town, so even though there is still soreness in my left thigh, it is well within manageable post-workout soreness levels, the third day after the overuse injury now. Will still probably bump back leg presses for a day or two to make certain that the muscle is fully recovered, but that's totally fine. Pleased with my speed of healing, based on how painful that was even just yesterday, to be sure!

Going to do Workout A (upper body only) for the second time in a few hours, and I'm really psyched, actually. It will be fun to see if I netted any strength gains since last week. By the monster growth I've seen in my arms, I'm guessing yes! This is the acid test...does this heavy lift to failure minimum rep thing really really work? Can't wait to find out!

Eating protein like a crazy carnivore. My hunger levels have been through the roof. I wonder if my healing overuse injury is begging for more protein than usual. Think I'll go drink another protein powder shake to see if I can quiet the beast for a minute. My weight is slightly up, but Tim Ferriss predicts a 2.5 pound muscle gain per week, minimum, no matter who you are, girl, boy, hard-gainer or not, by following Occam's Protocol, and this gain is just less than that. I am not gonna let the scale freak me out right now. It's not about that. My clothes seem to be fitting the same, except I can see massive muscular gains in my arms, which is crazytown! So time to keep chilling...will re-measure in a week, halfway through the protocol, to see what's happening all over, body composition wise. If the scale is edging up and it's all muscle, that's great. If not, we'll have to revisit diet - see below.

My mood is back up again. It's been mostly crazy up (as has been my libido!) since a few weeks after going back to eating normal amounts of food, taking the AGG/PAG/CQ stack (see previous posts for more info), taking vitamin D again and getting exercise. It's very hard to tease out exactly what is helping, but I'm glad something is.

I know this morning's rant about angry people seems...angry. I think I overloaded on the toxicity of so much of it at once. It made me kind of nauseous. And again, don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with being angry, even if someone is angry with me! Especially with me. I get angry, everyone does, it's important. It's all in how you deal with it. Do you stew in it, rage with it, take it out on other people? Or do you use it to see something is wrong, state your case, stand your ground calmly and try to negotiate a better life? At least my mood bobbed back up pretty quickly. I just needed to vent and move on. One more thing to remember about how your problems do not magically disappear when you reach a normal weight. In case you didn't know.

Tried on clothes for a second whilst running errands. Simultaneously awesome and depressing. Skinny-fat sucks. I am now so amazingly small, overall, but so...bulgy. I ended up buying nothing. Sometimes clothes look so freaking hot on me, but they really have to be the right ones. I know that now is the time to be patient, gain the muscle that is going to give me more definition and shift my metabolism more to fat-burning. Patience now is key. I may have to stay out of dressing rooms a little longer...

Lastly...I feel a little at sea about my diet right now. I know I need to be taking in 1.25 grams of protein/pound of lean body mass during this massive muscle gain phase. Do I need to be limiting my fats to keep from gaining? So much conflicting information. I'm supposed to be limiting my carbs to near nil except one day a week, and I am, though I am reluctant to completely give up fruit 6 days out the week as Ferriss recommends. I like an apple and almonds as a snack, but it's against my religion, apparently, right now. I am NOT limiting myself to lean protein at all. Eating roast chicken with skin, ribeye steaks, shrimp, salmon, butter, cream, occasional goat cheese. Some people seem to think that will work better for me, some think it's a recipe for disaster. This is kind of hard. Also, tired of severe restriction after many years on and off of that. Guess I just have to experiment and see what happens. Again, starting in April, cutting/functional fitness/more cardio-oriented phase may help tremendously.

Edit - one last thought for the day: I am not a religious-type person, so I was puzzled when I first saw this middle-aged lady crossing the street with what looked like some kind of junk smeared across her forehead. It was the second one that I saw in Target that produced my startling realization that it was in fact, Ash Wednesday, and these ladies were taking it quite seriously, which is cool by me, just not accustomed to it. Right after my revelation, I overheard this kid one aisle over: "She has ice cream on her head!" I totally busted up.

Happy Ice-Cream-Head Wednesday!

Anger Issues

I'm really struggling mentally and emotionally today. I haven't been able to concentrate on work or running the errands I need to. My motivation has shrunk to nil.

Coming up against a lot of anger, irritability, lashing out, and constant defensiveness on different fronts in my life, offline and surprisingly online (though online has not been directed at me). Being around that takes its toll. It's bugging me a lot. I think these people need to change/take their medications/supplements/get some goddamned counseling.

Anger can be a constructive and necessary emotion, but not if that's your constant default response to the world. That is not helpful. It guarantees that you will just be unhappy all the time. It also guarantees that you will be abrasive to those around you, eventually even those closest to you will instinctually begin to draw away.

I am trying really hard to reset my emotional state this morning/afternoon. The sun is shining outside, rare in these parts, everything is going pretty okay (hiccups will always happen, but they are not the end of the world.)  The problems I have mirror the problems I see the angry people around me having. The difference is how we are dealing with these stresses. I do experience quick flares of anger/frustration about some of these things, but I don't find it worth clinging to my anger about. Actual examples of problems/daily life situations they are having that I am also facing and how we deal with things:

I could choose to let a stupid (though upsetting) bureaucratic mishap get me down, constantly ranting about how the world is out to get me, or I can choosing to experience my initial anger at the unfairness of it, then calm the fuck down and deal with it in a practical manner.

I could choose to get angry every time someone disagreed with me and told me that something I am proposing we do together is not the best course of action, feel persecuted or jumped on, no matter how non-critical the wording, or I could choose to absorb the information, thank them for their opinion and decide with or without them what my own actual decisions will be. If I must decide on doing something together with someone, I could also take into consideration that both people must be on board, not just me.

I could choose to get pissed off at every person who makes some driving decision that doesn't allow me to flow at maximum speed through traffic, or I could just realize that people will always behave like that, that they don't drive like I do, that it might not even be wise to drive like I do, that choosing to react like that will just result in a state of constant rage and irritation of those around me, and instead relax and enjoy the journey, talking to the person with me or being happy about the cool stuff I get to see along the way, or spend the extra time thinking something constructive over or daydreaming.

Often this anger seems to be the manifestation of an extremely judgmental attitude. Which is funny, since one of these people in particular condemns someone else we know for their extremely judgmental attitude. If you feel that you know better than everyone else all the time, it can easily come out as condescension and constant righteous anger. I see this in this person a lot. It gets directed at me more often than I'd like. If there is a disagreement, anger is the result.

The last couple days I feel like they don't even really like me. That when we're together, they tune out in any way possible, and when they listen to what I am saying, they are just barely tolerating me, and react with great irritation to almost everything I say or do. I think I need to make myself scarce for a while. Spend time with some non-constantly-angry people. Start setting limits, even though it's hard considering the closeness involved. It will be healthier for me to, instead of trying to fix this person or this situation, as is my impulse, show that I am capable of finding my own ways to spend my time, be my own person, and appreciate/be appreciated by other people.

I have tried so many ways to help, and now I can see that is part of the problem, because it's not healthy to try to fix people. It's sad though...unless they become self-aware enough to realize that they are pushing me away, they are going to lose me. They probably will think it's my fault, too. But that is not my concern. My only concern is that I need to stop putting myself in harm's way. Why would I choose to be around this?

Taking a deep breath. Trying not to catastrophize about this. Perhaps they will see the limit setting and take a look at themselves and their own behavior. Perhaps this is a temporary flare, and we can go back to enjoying our time together. But what I don't need to do is let someone else's bad moods dictate my own. I can enjoy this day and not let it be ruined by somebody else's actions.

Lastly, I am aware that this whole post may sound judgmental and self-righteous. It may be, and if so, I apologize. BUT...I am not angry, full of hate and rage. I am trying to figure out what I can do to improve my relationships, feel better, and take care of myself. I used to think that would mean placating the angry people, or counseling them, or trying to figure out how to help them feel less angry. Now I can see that maybe I need to set limits with people who are behaving badly and spend more of my time around people who are more healthy in their emotional regulation, instead. If that's judgmental, then I don't know where to begin to become healthier.

The Sorest Loser

Okay, so my last post on super-heavy lifting was a bit...enthusiastic. As was the workout.

I have a bit of an overuse injury in my left leg. A bit, meaning agony in my thigh muscles, both on top and the underside of my left thigh when I walk, especially down stairs, though today this is a little better. I believe it is partly a result of the excessive amount of lifts I did trying during calibration testing to find what my lift to failure in 10+ reps would be for the leg press. I started too low, not believing in my own strength, and as a result, did probably 40+ lifts, including the 8.5 to failure at 70% of my highest weight to failure. And strained my left thigh.

This is not a "true injury". I didn't tear any muscles/ligaments/tendons, damage a joint. I know because besides being incredibly noodly-weak right afterwards, I had no pain. It wasn't until I woke up in the morning that I felt really sore, and it got worse during the day, especially when we foolishly tried to do some hiking uphill. We turned around and went back about a mile and 500 feet of elevation or so into the hike. But I think it was too late not to have exacerbated the situation. I started to walk like a pirate, so I don't think that's good.

My left side is my weak side, and since your legs lift together on the leg press, I forced my left leg to do the same amount of work as my right, over and over. I'm pretty sure that's how that happened. So, since we're following "Occam's Protocol" from Tim Ferriss' "4 Hour Body"', I want to put a caveat in here. Ferris has a whole chapter on "Prehab", things to do BEFORE you start seriously training, including identifying body imbalances and correcting them. Did I do that? NO. No I did not. Because...it involves some very complex maneuvers, again, that probably require a personal trainer's input to master. At least for me.

But lifting weights...I already know how to do that relatively safely, I THOUGHT. Now I know I need to be a bit more careful. I do plan on doing the imbalance correction in the future, when the personal trainer becomes an affordable option (which it should, barring any more emergency trips to the Midwest.)

However...the calibration phase of the workouts is over. I should only be doing one set of 7+ reps per exercise (except 10+ for legs), 2 exercises per session plus abs. Each individual workout of the two is only done about once a week to give adequate time for muscle repair. So I don't fear the overuse injury so much for the next 5 weeks.

And pain is just pain. I know that the best idea is to stay off the leg today, so I am. I will probably do my upper body only workout as scheduled tomorrow, as I am not sore there. And I will bump back Workout B if I am not pain-free by next Saturday, as Ferriss himself suggests. I don't mind muscle training pain, but I do not seek injury.

So today is walk like a pirate day two for me, that's all. If I say "Arrrrrr" from the soreness a few times, that will just add to the magic. As long as it's getting better, I won't be too concerned. Onwards and upwards. Cautiously.

Heavy Lifting Heaven

Warning - I intend to spend this post effusively babbling about my first time discoveries of the joys and challenges of lifting heavy things to failure. If you find this boring because you couldn't be less interested in anything that banal OR stupidly cute but ultimately boring because you've been LIFTING HEAVY THINGS FOR YEARS, feel free to close this blog and move along to somebody much more amusing/informative/productive, like doing your taxes or playing Angry Birds or checking your Facebook. I will understand.

Okay, today was part deux (or rather, workout B) of our first week of Occam's Protocol, a workout routine from Tim Ferriss' "4 Hour Body" designed to produce massive lean muscle gain. I needz to cure my skinnyfat! (See last post for WTF that means.) Let me tell you, this workout KICKED MY ASS. If you had any doubt in the slightest that only two different lifts and a little ab work with NO cardio, not even any circuit work could leave you shaky and unable to make it down a set of stairs without clinging to a railing, you would be WRONG. So very wrong.

Holy crap. Where do I even start? The first session of both workouts A and B involve calibration, where you move up incrementally through what you think you could lift to what you can lift to failure, using a certain cadence/reps/rest time. And THEN you figure out a percentage of your last complete set, wait 3 minutes, and do your regular set to failure, as you will from now on. So I do think these first workouts kick your ass twice over. But WOW.

A and I got help from the gym manager dude that I love so much. He's young, super muscular, definitely a jock, yet he's got a kind face, a truly good heart and is so freaking sweet. I can't tell you how much I appreciate him. We were chatting with him tonight, and he said both of us shouldn't lose ANY MORE weight. He said now we can just take our time, enjoy the process of making slow and steady progress toning and eating and drinking and enjoying life. I wanted to smooch him, right then and there. Good guy.

The incline bench press is not one of the automatic machines that we are accustomed to. You have to set your own free weights on the posts, instead of positioning a pin. It actually had a ton of adjustments you could make.  I can't tell you why, but these things intimidated the hell out of both of us. Perhaps it's the nerdy fear of what I like to term "jockspace" that possesses us both (A is a big somewhat muscle-y dude naturally from his Viking heritage, but he's actually a big softy nerd like me.) Anyways, supersweet gym manager dude showed us all about how to use it, and was so encouraging.

I am ridiculously weak on these machines, despite my mildly impressive girly-biceps. It seems like all that time spent at the gym working out inefficiently plus dieting drastically (though under medical supervision and with urgent medical purpose) without being able to work out left me weak as a kitten. But I don't care. Everybody has to start somewhere. So, on the incline chest press, my post-calibration weight was only 20 pounds. Lord. But...you do it SLOWLY. Extremely slowly. By 5 reps, my arms were shaking. The set is supposed to be 7, but I failed at 8.5 reps. This is great! Perfect. If you calibrated correctly, you need to be only surpassing your minimum set by a couple reps at most.

Failure. It means true failure. Shaking, grunting, trying to force that weight up millimeter by millimeter, feeling sick with effort. Not giving up until you've held it there as long as you can, until you feel it giving way and dropping, then striving to slow the descent so that it takes at least a full five seconds until the weight stack clacks down. I love it. And that is the only rep that really counts, according to Ferriss and probably many many others. That is the rep that causes massive overload, and triggers muscle building. I never knew. Let me tell you one thing: damned hard work, but so much less hard work than fast rep after nearly useless rep of low-medium weights for years and year. That may have built me up some, given me some aerobic capacity. But this. This is doing years' worth of hard work, all at once. The efficiency is glorious!

We also did the incline leg press. We figured this one out on our own (Sweety-jock was on the elliptical, didn't want to bother him.)  It took a LONG time for figure out our calibration weights, and mine ended up being 100 pounds. But wow, 10 rep minimum, and I made it to 11.5. Perfect, awesome, and neither A nor I were able to walk after. He actually staggered when he got up, in a faux-drunken semi-circle. It was astounding how weak we were after that.

We did some ab work and discovered that the super efficient (read HARD) ab work Ferriss prescribed probably should only be done ONCE A WEEK like the other lifts on this protocol. Ferris did say to only do that with workout A, and that workout B had optional kettlebell work, but since neither of us feel ready to swing a kettlebell without professional help, we decided to try an ab repeat. I discovered I didn't have full muscle recovery from last time. I probably shouldn't have, but I pushed though anyway. I'll have to figure out something to do in the meantime.

Oh! But there ARE kettlebells at my gym, after all! Last time, I thought there weren't but we were shown where they are hidden. So I don't have to leave my happy gym after all! Hurrah!

We did eventually leave the gym for the night, and tried to walk down the outdoors stairs to the car. Our legs FAILED us. Literally failed us. We both had to cling to the railings to make it down safely. It was actually scary. And we were ravenous by the time we got in and out of Whole Foods with our roast chicken and assorted necessities. Note to self: ALWAYS have a Larabar in the car.

Lastly, I know this is going to sound insane, but...within a day or two of "Workout A", last Thursday, we could SEE a difference in our arms. Unbelievable. This smack really does work. Can't wait to see how quickly we gain some muscle. In April, we will hopefully be able to pay for some training and switch to a more functional fitness workout involving swinging balls and something called a Turkish Get Up (yes, I'm that adolescent that these things amuse me.) Which, apparently, besides whittling my waist and give me Michelle Obama arms is supposed to build up my now sadly flattened butt. Just in time for swimsuit season.

Now I must slather Arnica gel pre-emptively over the entirety of my body. This is based on the fact that I failed to after Workout A and was almost immobilized by happy-good-awesome-post workout soreness for two days after. Knowing is half the battle. But I couldn't be happier to be sore in my life. These workouts are working, and I feel focused and ready to keep pushing into a new phase of fitness and normal life.

Thanks for tuning in.

Edit: fixed typos!

Occam's Protocol

One of my dearest friends bought us a copy of The Four Hour Body, by professional madman, Tim Ferriss. The book is huge, funny and chock full of intriguing life-hacking tips about creating a better physical reality for yourself, everything from losing fat and gaining muscle to better quality sleep and sex. Totally worth owning and experimenting with.

Knowing that my dependancy on HCG is permanently over, I've eagerly seized upon many of Ferriss' recommendations as a path to maintenance and further improvement. I know that if I don't start adopting a new regimen, the future will be a long slow slip back into old habits and my old body. Experience has taught me so.

I've been toying with what techniques to try first. In all actuality, I'd probably do best to try what Ferriss calls the Kiwi's butt-building workout, lol. In all seriousness, this workout regimen that centers around the kettlebell and other functional fitness movements involving free weights and plyometrics (such as the Turkish Get Up - awesome name, right?) is probably the best for me. However, just glancing over what this workout entails, I know that I would be uncomfortable and probably most foolish to try it without the benefit of a personal trainer to show me correct form and approach to these movements without say, ripping arms out of sockets or planting a kettleball in someone's face. But we are so very very broke. Thank you, emergency mid-West trip and drunken Valentymes day shenanigans. Also, and this is sad, my gym appears to NOT stock kettleballs. How can that be, in this elite fitness day and age?

Since I've already paid for this month, and I decided to try something different for at least the next six weeks. I settled on what Ferriss terms "Occam's Protocol." The theory behind this training, like much of Ferriss' book, is maximum results for minimal effort. Efficiency in training. This one in particular focuses on massive muscle gain in a very short time through two half hour sessions a week. That's right, my darlings. Better than any comic book back page ad promise you've ever read!

The secret? Two sessions, spaced several days apart and progressively further as you gain, two different lifts for each session, done to extreme failure. Plus an optional short abs/kettlebell session (IF you have one of those snooty fancy gyms that have them. Apparently. Sheesh!) Plus eating 1.25 grams of protein per lean body mass weight per day.

Just did the first session yesterday. It takes a while  to calibrate your failure weights the first two different workout sessions, so it took longer than the half hour. But I did that for both upper body exercises. Felt like nothing, though I had noodle arms for the rest of the night. Today? I feel my entire upper body beginning to lock up like a seized engine. Oh My God Soreness! I plan to slather on the Arnica gel (the real stuff, not the Homeopathic, you have to search like crazy to find it) like I'm putting out a fire in a minute. Note to self: Do It The Night Before! Though to be honest, soreness has never really bugged me or stood in my way. I really do think I'm gonna like this.

Here's the thing. It's meant to put on MASSIVE amounts of muscle. Up to 2.5 pounds a week! It isn't meant for weight loss. Do I have weight to lose? Totally. Do I care? Hmmmm...

I decided, after looking at many pictures of people my height/weight that those people look far, far more in shape than I, after reducing from Morbidly Obese to JUST barely HWP according to the BMI charts. They don't appear to have my spare tires and bra hanger fat and overall Jellyness. I think I do in fact fall into the "Skinnyfat" category.

In case you've never heard of it, it's definitely a thing. It means that your body composition is still fat for your height, though you weigh what is considered normal. In other words, you are lacking in lean muscle mass and making up for it in fat. I must have lost too much lean muscle mass along the way. With clothes on, people go on and on about how trim I appear to be. Even the owner of the gym, who I have not seen since I lost the last 25 pounds or so, had a shitfit about how skinny I look now. If they saw what I see every day when I am getting dressed, I am sure this would not be so. I am now somewhat compact, but lack most tone and have quite a fatty layer on top. Naked, without Spanx-like garments, I look, as one blogger put it, like a melted snowman - the same shape as before, just much much smaller.

The dieting process has become less and less effective for me. Exponentially so. As it does. Diminishing returns, no matter how strict my living, or educated my eating. Plus, if I keep whittling away, I can pretty much just expect to keep losing fat and muscle together. Getting skinny-fat, but eventually just skinny. That is NOT what I want. Plus, so very tired of deprivation. I want to LIVE. Eat. Move. Enjoy.

So, tired of the diet diet diet phase of living, I have decided instead to build muscle like crazy, in hopes of toning up, then thinning out. Ferriss' prescription should help keep it mostly muscle gain, but I will probably put a little fat on. We'll see. However, the more muscle you put on, the better your metabolism functions. I have read many arguments about this, but I keep seeing better and better studies supporting that building muscles really does support more efficient calorie-burning metabolisms. I will need to track those down and support my assertions, but right now, I am lazily ditching work to write this, so it will have to be later. Suffice to say, I've convinced enough to try, for six weeks at least.

After that, we should hopefully be able to afford personal training and possibly switch gyms to responsible kettlebell-owning establishments. Which makes me sad, because I love my gym, and the owner/manager/whatever he is who is so sweet and makes me feel skinny. I can't use them at home, because I won't go out in the constant grey downpour that is my home to use it, and inside the ceilings are so low to as to be troublesome for my 6'6" fella not to constantly whack a hand on it when carelessly gesticulating. Even I do, sometimes.

So, here's to the first great experiment of how to live without HCG 101. Wish me luck!

Awesome (Queer) Ode to Emotional Eating...

I assume this post may scare some of you away, for good.  I hope not, because I will always continue to read and support your blogs despite your beliefs and lifestyles that are so very different from mine. I do need to honor the parts of me that are different, and that this video has inspired some serious feelings regarding my own journey to a normal relationship with food and my body.

Part of the reason I went with "The Angry Inch..." as a blog title is because I am queer, though partnered with an (also queer) man, and part of a lovely and vibrant artistic community full of queer and queer-friendly people. "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" is one of my favorite movies of all time, an amazing musical about a transgendered rock star. So fair warning, this video and article and blog entry are going to offend you if you have issues with this. But you'll also be missing out on a funny and thoughtful piece piece of art about something that I think is something rather universal, in the end.

I came across this little gem recently, and it's where my weight-loss/body image world meets the other parts of my life. Rocco is a trans-man, and he and his friends, including Margaret Cho, made a fantastic, hilarious and extremely queer song/video about emotional eating.:



It was originally posted as part of this article about Valentine's day and emotional eating:

Rocco Katastrophe: Eat Everything

The article and the video both stir up a lot of feelings in me. One thing that keeps emerging for me is that it makes me NOT want to eat mindlessly ever again. The way the food is being treated in the video, the bingeing and grossness of it all reminds me of how I feel when I do act like that anymore. It also reminds me of how much more I love myself now because I am taking care of myself the way I deserve. This has NOTHING to do with being fat, thin, or anywhere in between. It is all about feeling my feelings, knowing whether I'm actually hungry or bored or trying to make myself feel better. I'm not saying I don't occasionally eat from boredom or emotional need, but I know now that I'm CHOOSING to do so instead of doing it mindlessly. It's getting easier all the time. So great to be healing in so many ways at once.

I am feeling a figurative lightness at this point. So unchained from what now seems like such slavery. Feeling like I needed to eat all the time. Feeling so trapped and unsexy. Instead, eating is something I get to do to be healthy and happy and sometimes for fun. I feel sexy, happy and so much more open to people. I am not done; I haven't got it all figured out by any means. But overall, life is very good.

Lastly, I'm really really happy and proud that my state (and several others, hurray!) has legalized gay marriage. So my queer friends and family don't have to eat their feelings, they can express them and live together as officially recognized families with their basic human rights intact like we all have deserved to all along.

Quickie, Quickie, No Longer Sickie

Feeling so much better today. The drama-free zone has worked wonders. Ignored another possible family drama-filled missive (until tomorrow - I think I can handle it then just fine.)  Just a chill weekend spent with friends and taking care of home and work.

Yesterday, I worked a little, then went to my friend's art show yesterday, ate cheese, drank wine, never touched cracker one! A triumph. Also went to nibbly dinner with a few friends after, again, they had NO carb-free options, but we made it work, just ate cheese and veggies and some roast beef and more wine. We are the champions!

Am still getting high off the compliments, as I am currently the skinniest that most of my friends have seen me. People calling me sexy and hot makes me squeal. Are you freaking kidding me? I hardly can even hear that. Someday that will end. Perhaps when I stop being a stranger and everyone gets used to (tired of) my ass being around all the time again. :)

That's the plan, too. I will never shut myself off from humanity, never severely limit my life in the name of weight loss again. I don't think I will have to. I am forever grateful to what I've obtained through the extreme self-control, sacrifice, and medical gift that I was given, but I can see a better way for me now that I've achieved this level of health and incredible lightness (for me.)

I had to work ALL DAY today to make up for being sick, but that's okay. I am giddy with excitement of the return of normalcy. Leaving behind the sadness/depression of the last week's family madness, and the resulting illness. Setting my new fitness/diet plans in motion. Especially lifting heavy things to build up arms and other body parts worthy of fighting off Terminators. (As you do.) Having a concrete plan for seeing friends EVERY week, at least TWICE a week. Low carbing during the week, one day a week carby refeed to upregulate the ol' metabolism. Tricksy science! I love it! Just getting as happy and healthy and kick-ass as possible.

My eating has been very very light today. I am glad about that, because I felt I was eating a lot before, although I've been steadily losing the weight I bounced up to after the Midwest fiasco-I-mean trip all week. (Some of it was probably water, but obviously not all, since the high water mark of my girth has been receding rather slowly.) Glad of it, anyways, I feel in control and just really, dare I say it...normal! Hurray!

Kick-Ass Mofo in 3...2...1..

Turning the corner on being sick. Finally some energy, and only a little sneezing.

Family drama continues. Email from a relative full-on defending the neglect of my little 3rd cousin. Phone argument with another relative about their "scorched earth policy"/abusive rage whenever they get angry or upset. Very hard conversations, indeed. I stood my ground while being as compassionate and diplomatic as possible. I don't want to contribute to drama, but I'm not putting up with abuse, either, which is defacto endorsement of continued drama.

But I am stepping back, letting go. The next two days, I have declared my house a drama-free zone. No email or phone calls will be honored, except an absolute emergency. Just dedicated to working/recovery from illness and stress.

Weigh-in this morning, am up 4 pounds from before the extremely stressful family trip to the Midwest. Hmmm. :/

Deciding not to freak out, though. Just up my physical activity. Continue to eat as Primal as possible. Take my supplements. See where this gets me over the next few weeks. Really looking forward to lifting again. It always gives me good results. My biceps are deflating, they used to blow my friends and family away. I had some serious Sarah Conner guns going on. This will not do!

This morning we decided to have some coconut flour pancakes, with eggs, coconut milk, strawberries, a little honey/xylitol to sweeten. They were really good, but I think I need to eat sausage along with, for more protein. And some veggies of some sort. I'll get it down. I'm doing so already.

Watched Kill Bill 1 again last night. Uma Thurman inspires me. I want to be able to kick some ass, too. Also in love with Lucy Liu, she made me wish I had freckles! And Vivica Fox, my god, what a body. I don't need to be uber-skinny, but I do want to be muscled and agile like them. Phase 1 - escape from obesity (to borrow a phrase from one of my favorite bloggers) is ovah! Phase 2 - become a kick-ass mofo, commencing!

Post-Traumatic Trip Disorder

Wow, that was quite a trip. Literally, and figuratively.

I got to see my Grandma again. For that I am eternally grateful. She is in MUCH better shape than my one sister reported, but is very frail and probably not long for this world. She made it abundantly clear that she's ready to go as we were leaving. That has been very rough to process. I've had to grieve many lost years of contact. I'm trying to forgive myself for my phobias, accept that I did what I had to in dealing with an extremely dysfunctional and abusive family, and move forward. It's very painful, but necessary work.

I did not have to deal with the sociopath family member that scares me so, but there was a LARGE chance that he might show up, especially toward the end. The aunt fell down and broke her shoulder. We took her to the hospital, but we had to leave to get my sister to her flight, and he was called. My  sister and I ended up having a panic attack about it, because we were delayed in leaving, and he might show at any moment. We escaped, but I literally had a pounding heart and a near total freak-out.

In other news, the child was not actively abused in front of us, but is sorely neglected and in dire need of people who can care for him the way he needs. My Grandma is too old, the aunt, also too old and grouchy. Still don't know what really happened, many conflicting stories, but I do believe he was abused by that woman. He shouldn't be there. His dad is a total waste of space who pees in buckets in the basement of my Grandma's house where he lives and doesn't help the two old ladies or look after the child at all, except to drop off McDonald's. I heard horrific stories about abuse and near starvation of the child in the past. A and I took him out a LOT, and he responded very well. We are determined to stay in contact and try to help him see that there is more to the world. Let him know that somebody gives a damn about him. A fixed up a dozen things in the house that could have easily been handled by the basement bum. We are pretty angry at him, though I know he had essentially the same story as the child - abused, abandoned, neglected, raised by my Grandma, who was already old then.

So many sad stories. So much pain and loss and cycles of neglect and abuse. My Grandma is so frail and tired and sick. There is more, but I don't want to talk about it here. Suffice to say, the stress level was extremely high. A and I got a chance to decompress by ourselves in Chicago for a day. Nice, but freezing cold. We saw a lone coyote lope along the beach in the middle of the city. We processed and cried and resolved to help however we could. We did see some of the town, and tried to enjoy ourselves a little. But it was a very tough trip. Mostly I am glad that I could bring any peace and joy to myself and my Grandma.

Came home Tuesday night, yesterday and now today, sick as a dog. Fever, head stuffed, nose running, headache, sore throat. No surprises there. Extreme stress, travel, eating sugar and other bad foods, freezing cold temperatures I should have avoided. A made me chicken soup yesterday, the sweetheart.

Food has been the least of my worries. I didn't totally go crazy, and I did NOT overeat, of which I am proud, but I certainly ate many little doses of carbs.  Some because that's what my aunt served us, which would have been rude and awful to turn down. These people have next to nothing. I happened to get my TOM while on the trip, so that made me very hungry, and I craved chocolate. I also ate to comfort myself while trying to process everything, in the airport, and on the way home on the airplane. I ate the crackers that came with the cheese for several meals, half the bread that came with a sandwich in the airport bar that had nothing else, a beer because it was what I wanted, a couple girl scout cookies that A bought, some ice cream at Bonnie Doon's.

I've done much worse in the past, but no excuses. I know what I chose to do. I realize that I have not been respecting Phase 3. But then, this last round was a farce as I am convinced the HCG never kicked in right because my doctor tried to reformulate the dose and it didn't ever seem to stop the hunger or make me feel like I did in the past. I am not worrying about it today. When I am over being sick, back to work. Primal diet, heavy weight workouts, walking every other day. I did take Tim Ferris' 4 Hour Body PAGG and CQ supplement stacks the whole time to try and minimize the damage. Will have to see how that worked, if at all, when I weigh myself. Gonna give it one more day for the water weight to come down, it usually takes at least 2 or 3 days for that to happen post-carbs for me.

Wish I could see my counselor, but that's not until Tuesday. I need to call my Grandma's, talk to the child to let him know we are not abandoning him, let her know we're all right. There are two other fairly stressful family things going on that I need to deal with. I don't think I can talk about them here because of the possibility of who is reading. It's hard, because I'm already so stressed and sick. I want to stop avoiding things, but I don't know what I have the strength to deal with right now. My whole family seems really messed up. I feel like the only one that is functioning even close to normally, except my brother. I am accepting this on a very fundamental level, but it's really fucking sad. I know I have things to grieve, and that stuffing my sad feelings would be bad. But I can't wait until I can feel happy about something again. Right now I feel as though I'm at the stringy end of a long hard winter. Desperate for the spring to bring some light and warmth my way.