Horse Wisdom

Appaloosa Horse, from Wikimedia Commons

I made a breakthrough today.

More than three years ago or so, when my life began crashing down all around me, I made a decision to get whatever help I needed to change my life for  the better. I found a skilled counselor who was a great fit, who also referred me to the naturopath that I still work with today. They both helped put me firmly on the path to a happier, healthier life than I had ever dreamed possible. I began the slow process of learning to stop feeling guilty for things I was never responsible for, trying to save people around me and really concentrating on taking care of myself, for the first time in my life. I put a newly developed, potentially life-threatening auto-immune issue into remission. I lost so much weight, it seemed like I had entered a whole different world, based on what I could do, what I saw in the mirror, how the people around me treated me. My paralyzing social anxiety eased to the dullest throb. I learned to really, really enjoy moving my body. Life-tranforming changes, all of them.

What I still had never really found was self-acceptance. Everything I have accomplished, all the things I've mentioned and all the other things I've ever done with my life seem to count for nought to me. I constantly worry if I am a worthwhile human being. I do not believe in my own merit in any realm. I struggle in my relationships, because I don't ever feel confident in my own decisions, values, boundaries. It goes on and on. The bottom line is, I never have been able to say that I love and accept myself, as I am today.

This has been playing out with my body a bunch. As my weight fluctuates, as I struggle to find the regimen that will take me to the next level, make mistakes, change my mind, I find myself thinking terrible, negative thoughts about myself. Calling myself names. Sneering at my new, fantastically thinner self for still having excess fat, for every weakness, every misstep. I do try really hard not to, sometimes I'm successful. Often not. I know this is not helpful.

Today I met my counselor out at a ranch. She has begun working with clients using horses to guide the session, and asked me to come out. She was certain this would be helpful for me, especially, for some reason. I was excited and nervous. The ranch was out in the east Cascade foothills, next to a calm lake, amongst a patchwork of tiny farms. The surrounding green pine forested mountains dissolved into soft grey clouds above. A beautiful and contemplative place.

I met my counselor at the barn, and she introduced me to her horse, I'll call her Alex. Beautiful Appaloosa mare, brown with a white blaze and sock with faint spots, gorgeous deep big brown eyes with white sclera, like a human's. Alex has a deformity that results in it being dangerous for her to be ridden. She is, however, spirited and smart. This is now her job. We talk about what this work is. How horses are intuitive, how they pick up on our emotions and can help us tune in to what we are feeling. This can be very hard, for me. I can see the possible value in this.

I am very slow and cautious in approaching Alex. I extend my hand as shown, but I worry that she will be startled by some movement. We both flinch a bit when I tentatively move my hand closer a few times. My counselor showed me how to gently groom Alex, and we both brushed her to connect, become familiar, calm. We then went out to the paddock and began the work.

I started talking about my body issues, my struggle to find a good way to eat, work out, and how I feel I am slipping from my path. Alex wandered off and rolled in the dirt. I trailed off from what I was saying and just watched. I have never seen a horse do this before, in person. Her big, beautiful, muscular body rippled gracefully as she playfully covered her newly groomed coat in dust and mud. I smiled, realizing that SHE was unconcerned with how she looked, only with being herself and having fun. Huge, powerful, besmirched, but still undeniably beautiful.

Alex wandered into the middle of the paddock, searched the dirt and gravel for something to eat. There was nothing there, but she did this for a long time. My counselor and I returned to our conversation. At some point, Alex wandered over to the better pickings by the railing and nibbled on some rich grass and clover beyond. My counselor eventually remarked on how hesitant I had been when I had first approached Alex. I explained that I had been extremely nervous, in fact, because I was worried whether Alex would even like me. I saw this look I know well cross her face. Now we were getting somewhere.

Why, she asked, would I wonder such a thing? I began digging out the reasons. I know that animals are very intuitive, that they sense the kind of person you are. That I don't feel like a good person. I have all these bad habits and problems. I wonder if they are just things I need to work on, or if they are unfixable character flaws. I realize, suddenly, that what I am actually detailing is my terrible, unrelenting perfectionism, and say so. Alex stops grazing and looks very attentive. My counselor asks me if I love myself. I say I want to. I then realize that I've been waiting for the time that I am a "better person" to love myself. When I am more "perfect." Just like with my body. That I am, body and soul, considering myself unacceptable as I am.

I begin crying. I start talking about how ridiculous that is. That I am, in fact, imperfect, just like every other human being, and will always be so. That no one could ever love themselves if they waited until they were their own ideal selves. That I deserve love, even my own love. I feel like I can breathe. So freaking relieved. I feel this deep sinking down into my core, my belly, in a good grounded way.

Alex then walks straight up to me, and begins to kiss and nuzzle me. I kid you not. I pet her and cry grateful tears and look into her beautiful eyes. This goes on for quite a while. I feel a great glow in my chest. I feel loved. Lovable. Accepted. On the inside and the outside. By both Alex and myself.

Eventually my counselor asks if there's anything else I want to talk about. I search about in my head. Alex disengages, wanders back to graze. I can tell it's because I've pulled back up into my intellect. We talk about this, how I spend so much time there, because it's so hard for me to get down into those feelings, that core, and feel, but it feels so good when I get down there. She points out that I probably did not feel loved growing up with all the abuse and abandonment in my family. That I got used to shutting off my feelings, living in my head, and trying to do the "right thing" to be found lovable, acceptable. Convinced that this was what it took. I concede that I could see how this could happen. I have sort of intellectually known all of this for quite some time. But somehow, this time, I could FEEL it. I always wanted to believe that I am not too flawed to love, but unsure. I suddenly really, truly understood the nonsense of that, for the very first time. She urged me to hang on to the visceral feeling of that realization in my body, my core.

When the time came to go, we went over and thanked Alex. She stopped grazing and gave me a sweet little snort and toss of the head. When I went to leave, she followed me to the railing and looked after me. I felt very grateful for the unconditional love I was given. It was just somehow very moving. My counselor urged me to hang on to this feeling, too, and I am trying.

I hope this doesn't sound too trite or woo-woo. I accept then that this is not an overnight victory, that I am going to have to slowly change 4+ decades of cognitive patterning and behavior around this idea. To fight to get back down into myself and out of my head. To relax and become part of the world and feel good enough for it. But still, I tell you, it was real, graspable progress. I want to write it down, and share it, and keep repeating it to myself until it becomes part of me. There really was something about being out there, about working with that beautiful, sweet horse that busted down a VERY resistant part of me.

So, to all of us struggling with ourselves, not feeling good enough, worthwhile, like we must become "better" to deserve love. Enough. We can strive to become better people certainly. But loving ourselves enough to see why we should take care of ourselves, and not get so caught up in some ungraspable perfectionist ideal of what we think we should be will help us tremendously in the meantime. Especially in letting go of unnecessary anxiety and negativity that can only stand between us and what we want. I can love who I am now. I can enjoy being in the world as I am, and still reach for what I want. It reminds me of all the Buddhist teachings I have ever read or heard. And something I read over at Mark's Daily Apple just today about Detachment from the Outcome. We can have goals, but being over-focused on them will get in our way. Keeps us from the joy of what is around us, here and now, forever and ever, if we let it. And I promise you, I will not. I am willing to trade in my perfectionism for love.

I Wanna Marry a Lighthouse Keeper...

Sorry for the extended break. Just been really busy, in a good way.

Saturday we wanted to go for a hike. But with heavy leg press workout-to-failure scheduled for Sunday, we opted against a big uphill deal that will strain our glutes and thighs. But where can we walk a long way someplace flat, out of town, someplace pretty? Oh yeah, Dungeness Spit!

If you are in the know, you may have already begun laughing at me. You see, Dungeness Spit is the longest coastal spit in the lower 48, "A narrow strip of sand, dune, and beached logs, Dungeness Spit protrudes over 5 miles straight into the strait." The trail winds through a happy little forest and down a small bluff to the spit. Then you just walk the sand and gravel beach, no real trail, to a beautiful old lighthouse at the very end where volunteer keepers will give you a tour! Hiking is the only way out there, unless you make arrangements with the department of wildlife to land a boat there. Total roundtrip? 10.7 miles. 10.2 of that hiking on sand and ocean gravel, on a fairly slanted beach. What were we trying to spare?!? Our legs? Hahahaha!


But we are HARDCORE mofos. We packed the backpack up with lots of good food and water and bandaids and flashlights and extra clothes...I am detailing this here because equally hilarious is the fact that we did this hike EXACTLY two years ago, with NOTHING. You can see my picture during that hike on my little progress filmstrip to the right. We did it on an impulse. We only intended to wander around the spit a little bit, but we just kept going a LITTLE FARTHER. You get to mile 3, you can see the lighthouse there in the distance. It's the weirdest optical illusion. It looks so close, yet it's still two miles away! We had no backpack, no food, no water, nada. But how can you not go all the way with that shimmering monument of maritime nostalgia beckoning to you? We are no good at saying no to such a challenge, whether it's a mountain or a lighthouse. Which surely makes us fools. But we are learning, maybe a little late in life.


To make matters worse, on that previous jaunt, we didn't plan on how long it would take to hike back in the freaking sand, and were under the impression that our car would be LOCKED IN if we didn't get back by 8. So we declined the tour offered by the sweet little Scandanavian keeper when we arrived, drank water voraciously from the fountain, used the restroom, and began the DEATH MARCH back, trying to fight the pain and exhaustion to make faster than 18 minutes a mile in the sand after having hiked 5+ miles in the sand on no fuel or water. My joints, especially knees were much worse then, and I was in profound pain, limping terribly by the time we got back, too late. Very sad bunpoh. But it all turned out okay. Turns out you're SUPPOSED to be off the spit by sundown, so they say what time you're SUPPOSED to be back, but if you drive up to the gate from the inside, it opens! Phew!


This time, we were much prepared, except for a kind amnesia regarding the overall brutality of sand hiking. I guess I kind of figured that since I am currently 50 pounds lighter, and with a damn site more hiking under my belt, I might do better. And I did. Mostly...


Regardless of difficulty, it was an EPIC hike. Endlessly beautiful. We saw a newt on the trail! It froze as we approached. "You can't see me if I'm not moving." It was the EXACT color of the dirt on either side of the pavement. A little farther, three deer were bedded down mere steps to one side in the forest. We stopped to take pictures and they sniffed the air intensely, then went back to ignoring visitors studiously. The view of the spit from the bluff is amazing, stretching into the ocean. And then you go down and onto the beach, the ocean crashing next to you for hours, so hypnotic that the silence is startling you once you return to the forest above. Gulls and cranes and ravens and ducks and hawks. Driftwood and every color and texture of pebble I have ever seen, all mixed up. We had to hustle, normally I beachcomb like a madman. I only managed to snag one tiny translucent amber colored agate with a blood red inclusion.


We stopped to eat on the way down and on the way back. Nothing tastes so good as on a beach after miles of walking.


The lighthouse keeper met us on the meticulous lawn, so friendly and welcoming and looking amusingly nautical in the face. He took us through the little museum rooms, detailing the history of the place expertly. Up to the lantern room, with the shiny brass lamp in the center, on but surprisingly not bright as it shone in our eyes. We gazed out the windows with binoculars, past the ends of the spit deep into the Straits of Juan de Fuca. I love places like this.


I must admit, the walk back became pretty grueling pretty quickly. In fact, by mile 3 on the way THERE, I began having a lot of pain in my hips, especially my left hip. I told A, and he endlessly reassured me that we could turn back any time, I just had to say the word. But no, I couldn't bring myself to stop. It was pain, but just that. I wanted to keep going. so I did. Seven more miles after that. I don't know if that is wise, or not. In the end, it worked out. I was again, limping by the car, but this time was much much better. I was exhausted but exhilarated. And the hip pain? Barely a trace by the next day, gone the following. I got exactly one blister, on the back of my heel where my boot was sliding. I feel like I got off so light!


From the bluff, looking back towards the spit, now dark, we could just see the glimmer of the lighthouse. I cannot BELIEVE how far away that seems now.


About the hip pain. I am wondering what it really is. I was thinking bursitis, now I'm not so sure. This time it was the inside of my hip, near my groin, mostly on my left side but a little on the other, and also in my right flank. I am wondering if it is my walking mechanics, after having poked around on the net a little. It could be my pelvic tilt and/or what one site explained as "using the hip flexors to walk" rather than using my glutes to move my legs! Crazy! I am curious...how does one get this checked out? Do I need to go to a sports doctor/specialist? A massage therapist? A rheumatologist? How expensive is all this? This hip pain thing seems to kick in about three miles into most walks that I do, and it's getting tiresome now. I don't actually believe it's arthritis, though I don't know how to explain that. My hips never hurt me except after walking X amount, but not from lifting, squatting or anything else. I have the strength, endurance and will to hike huge amounts. I don't want this to limit me! I am going to do my damndest to find a way to fix this thing, if humanly possible.


Ah, it's gotten late. Must to bed. But regardless of the pain, I really love our epic hikes. This one was so romantic. And it turns out any able bodied person can sign up to be a lighthouse keeper for a week! Sweet! We may have to do that someday...

Anger Issues

I'm really struggling mentally and emotionally today. I haven't been able to concentrate on work or running the errands I need to. My motivation has shrunk to nil.

Coming up against a lot of anger, irritability, lashing out, and constant defensiveness on different fronts in my life, offline and surprisingly online (though online has not been directed at me). Being around that takes its toll. It's bugging me a lot. I think these people need to change/take their medications/supplements/get some goddamned counseling.

Anger can be a constructive and necessary emotion, but not if that's your constant default response to the world. That is not helpful. It guarantees that you will just be unhappy all the time. It also guarantees that you will be abrasive to those around you, eventually even those closest to you will instinctually begin to draw away.

I am trying really hard to reset my emotional state this morning/afternoon. The sun is shining outside, rare in these parts, everything is going pretty okay (hiccups will always happen, but they are not the end of the world.)  The problems I have mirror the problems I see the angry people around me having. The difference is how we are dealing with these stresses. I do experience quick flares of anger/frustration about some of these things, but I don't find it worth clinging to my anger about. Actual examples of problems/daily life situations they are having that I am also facing and how we deal with things:

I could choose to let a stupid (though upsetting) bureaucratic mishap get me down, constantly ranting about how the world is out to get me, or I can choosing to experience my initial anger at the unfairness of it, then calm the fuck down and deal with it in a practical manner.

I could choose to get angry every time someone disagreed with me and told me that something I am proposing we do together is not the best course of action, feel persecuted or jumped on, no matter how non-critical the wording, or I could choose to absorb the information, thank them for their opinion and decide with or without them what my own actual decisions will be. If I must decide on doing something together with someone, I could also take into consideration that both people must be on board, not just me.

I could choose to get pissed off at every person who makes some driving decision that doesn't allow me to flow at maximum speed through traffic, or I could just realize that people will always behave like that, that they don't drive like I do, that it might not even be wise to drive like I do, that choosing to react like that will just result in a state of constant rage and irritation of those around me, and instead relax and enjoy the journey, talking to the person with me or being happy about the cool stuff I get to see along the way, or spend the extra time thinking something constructive over or daydreaming.

Often this anger seems to be the manifestation of an extremely judgmental attitude. Which is funny, since one of these people in particular condemns someone else we know for their extremely judgmental attitude. If you feel that you know better than everyone else all the time, it can easily come out as condescension and constant righteous anger. I see this in this person a lot. It gets directed at me more often than I'd like. If there is a disagreement, anger is the result.

The last couple days I feel like they don't even really like me. That when we're together, they tune out in any way possible, and when they listen to what I am saying, they are just barely tolerating me, and react with great irritation to almost everything I say or do. I think I need to make myself scarce for a while. Spend time with some non-constantly-angry people. Start setting limits, even though it's hard considering the closeness involved. It will be healthier for me to, instead of trying to fix this person or this situation, as is my impulse, show that I am capable of finding my own ways to spend my time, be my own person, and appreciate/be appreciated by other people.

I have tried so many ways to help, and now I can see that is part of the problem, because it's not healthy to try to fix people. It's sad though...unless they become self-aware enough to realize that they are pushing me away, they are going to lose me. They probably will think it's my fault, too. But that is not my concern. My only concern is that I need to stop putting myself in harm's way. Why would I choose to be around this?

Taking a deep breath. Trying not to catastrophize about this. Perhaps they will see the limit setting and take a look at themselves and their own behavior. Perhaps this is a temporary flare, and we can go back to enjoying our time together. But what I don't need to do is let someone else's bad moods dictate my own. I can enjoy this day and not let it be ruined by somebody else's actions.

Lastly, I am aware that this whole post may sound judgmental and self-righteous. It may be, and if so, I apologize. BUT...I am not angry, full of hate and rage. I am trying to figure out what I can do to improve my relationships, feel better, and take care of myself. I used to think that would mean placating the angry people, or counseling them, or trying to figure out how to help them feel less angry. Now I can see that maybe I need to set limits with people who are behaving badly and spend more of my time around people who are more healthy in their emotional regulation, instead. If that's judgmental, then I don't know where to begin to become healthier.

The Journey So Far

Hello blogosphere.  I've blogged a little on this subject so far, but decided that a reboot was in order, keeping my weight loss and other aspects of my life in separate places.  So here I am, and I'd like to talk about the journey so far.

My highest recorded weight was 295, over 2 years ago now, though I may have been near that or even exceeded it several times during the last few decades as I've yo-yo'd up and down the scale.  I have been overweight or obese since I was a toddler.  In my case, I believe it has been a combination of lots of things.  I have a genetic condition called Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia causing endocrine system imbalances leading to auto-immune problems, digestive problems, muscle and joint problems, and more, and I think that's the biggest issue.  I also grew up on southern cooking/heavily processed low nutrition foods and was punished for not cleaning my plate.  Additionally, I suffered severe childhood abuse of several varieties which lead to emotional eating and other bad food consumption practices, which was definitely a big factor.  Don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for where I'm at now and know that it's up to me to make the necessary changes to lose weight.  It has taken decades of being on my own as an adult to puzzle all this out and find my way back to the highest levels of health that I can achieve, but the cool thing is, I'm doing it.

I've lost over 100 pounds so far!  It's been an amazing transformation of mind, body and spirit.  My whole life is changing for the better, and I couldn't be happier.  Like most change, this one started with crisis.  I think I've learned that crisis is the thing that spurs most of us into action.  Consequently, I have been learning to view problems in an entirely different light.  It may sound cliche, but over and over again, coping with crisis has forced me onto higher ground.

Over the years I've strived to find answers to my health problems and emotional issues.  Addiction of loved ones, my own addictions, relationship problems, severe depression, and health issues including severe pharmaceutical poisoning and early symptoms of MS all converged for me two years ago, and I hit bottom.  Just to survive I began getting counseling for my depression, social anxiety, self-esteem issues and free myself from codependancy.  Though not an alcoholic by any means, I still cut my drinking down significantly, began eating less and getting more exercise, started  a more intensive qigong practice and found a naturopath who really knew how to help me.  She put me on rounds of the HCG diet, and in combination supplements and my other healthy practices, the MS symptoms went away and have not returned for over a year now.  And I've lost enough weight to officially move out of being classified as "obese."

In fact, I went from "morbidly obese" to "obese" to "overweight" in less than a year.  According to the BMI chart, at 5'8", I should be 164 pounds or under to qualify as "normal".  I am currently 27 pounds above that weight, but I'm betting, based on how my body looks and feels, that I could really stand to lose at least another 40 pounds to feel and look right.  At the moment I'm maintaining my current weight and focusing on getting exercise and sunshine to boost my health and prevent any further development of the MS.  I've quit my job to get away from pollution and emotional toxicity, and am going to spend the summer hiking, open water swimming and weight lifting.

I will start a new round of the HCG diet, possibly late July but I may wait until fall, depending on how I feel in the next few weeks.  If you're familiar with the HCG diet, you know that it is restrictive and challenging, and after four rounds with the required maintenance periods in between, I'm finding that I kind of want a little more time off to enjoy going out with friends and family.  Since I'm maintaining my weight well, I'm not too worried about when I get back on the train again, so to speak, but on the other hand, I'm eager for normality too.

Why the HCG diet?  I know many in the weight loss blogosphere are against the concept of diet, and for lifestyle change instead, and I respect that.  It works for them.  Our bodies are all different.  Calorie counting and exercise alone does not seem to work very well for me.  I can restrict my daily calories to 1500 and lose no weight, even if I work out.  My current health issues seem to make it extremely difficult to up my metabolism and lose weight.  Low carb IS helpful for me, and I tend to lose and/or maintain if I keep the amount of carbs that I consume to a very small proportion of my daily intake.  The HCG protocol certainly adheres to low carb principles, but it's the mechanism of the hormone that actually causes me to be able to let go of excess fat and have it stay off.  It's been extremely successful for me so far, but I realize that time will tell.  And the HCG seems to be what finally stopped the tremors, twitches and restored my coordination (I had fallen 4 times in a month!).  (Mind you, I had only the beginning symptoms, not an official diagnosis with spinal tap and all, and it was caught EARLY.  I do not think that it will help people with advanced MS cases or people with lots of damage already done to their nervous systems.  Your mileage may vary!)  So I know that this protocol helps me with all of my health conditions and to lose weight, without causing me any other health issues.

My partner in crime for 19+, "A", has accompanied me on this journey.  He's also lost over 100 pounds using the HCG protocol, stuck with me through thick and thin, and I'm extremely proud of him.  Together we continue down this road towards health and freedom and a better life.