Wow, that was quite a trip. Literally, and figuratively.
I got to see my Grandma again. For that I am eternally grateful. She is in MUCH better shape than my one sister reported, but is very frail and probably not long for this world. She made it abundantly clear that she's ready to go as we were leaving. That has been very rough to process. I've had to grieve many lost years of contact. I'm trying to forgive myself for my phobias, accept that I did what I had to in dealing with an extremely dysfunctional and abusive family, and move forward. It's very painful, but necessary work.
I did not have to deal with the sociopath family member that scares me so, but there was a LARGE chance that he might show up, especially toward the end. The aunt fell down and broke her shoulder. We took her to the hospital, but we had to leave to get my sister to her flight, and he was called. My sister and I ended up having a panic attack about it, because we were delayed in leaving, and he might show at any moment. We escaped, but I literally had a pounding heart and a near total freak-out.
In other news, the child was not actively abused in front of us, but is sorely neglected and in dire need of people who can care for him the way he needs. My Grandma is too old, the aunt, also too old and grouchy. Still don't know what really happened, many conflicting stories, but I do believe he was abused by that woman. He shouldn't be there. His dad is a total waste of space who pees in buckets in the basement of my Grandma's house where he lives and doesn't help the two old ladies or look after the child at all, except to drop off McDonald's. I heard horrific stories about abuse and near starvation of the child in the past. A and I took him out a LOT, and he responded very well. We are determined to stay in contact and try to help him see that there is more to the world. Let him know that somebody gives a damn about him. A fixed up a dozen things in the house that could have easily been handled by the basement bum. We are pretty angry at him, though I know he had essentially the same story as the child - abused, abandoned, neglected, raised by my Grandma, who was already old then.
So many sad stories. So much pain and loss and cycles of neglect and abuse. My Grandma is so frail and tired and sick. There is more, but I don't want to talk about it here. Suffice to say, the stress level was extremely high. A and I got a chance to decompress by ourselves in Chicago for a day. Nice, but freezing cold. We saw a lone coyote lope along the beach in the middle of the city. We processed and cried and resolved to help however we could. We did see some of the town, and tried to enjoy ourselves a little. But it was a very tough trip. Mostly I am glad that I could bring any peace and joy to myself and my Grandma.
Came home Tuesday night, yesterday and now today, sick as a dog. Fever, head stuffed, nose running, headache, sore throat. No surprises there. Extreme stress, travel, eating sugar and other bad foods, freezing cold temperatures I should have avoided. A made me chicken soup yesterday, the sweetheart.
Food has been the least of my worries. I didn't totally go crazy, and I did NOT overeat, of which I am proud, but I certainly ate many little doses of carbs. Some because that's what my aunt served us, which would have been rude and awful to turn down. These people have next to nothing. I happened to get my TOM while on the trip, so that made me very hungry, and I craved chocolate. I also ate to comfort myself while trying to process everything, in the airport, and on the way home on the airplane. I ate the crackers that came with the cheese for several meals, half the bread that came with a sandwich in the airport bar that had nothing else, a beer because it was what I wanted, a couple girl scout cookies that A bought, some ice cream at Bonnie Doon's.
I've done much worse in the past, but no excuses. I know what I chose to do. I realize that I have not been respecting Phase 3. But then, this last round was a farce as I am convinced the HCG never kicked in right because my doctor tried to reformulate the dose and it didn't ever seem to stop the hunger or make me feel like I did in the past. I am not worrying about it today. When I am over being sick, back to work. Primal diet, heavy weight workouts, walking every other day. I did take Tim Ferris' 4 Hour Body PAGG and CQ supplement stacks the whole time to try and minimize the damage. Will have to see how that worked, if at all, when I weigh myself. Gonna give it one more day for the water weight to come down, it usually takes at least 2 or 3 days for that to happen post-carbs for me.
Wish I could see my counselor, but that's not until Tuesday. I need to call my Grandma's, talk to the child to let him know we are not abandoning him, let her know we're all right. There are two other fairly stressful family things going on that I need to deal with. I don't think I can talk about them here because of the possibility of who is reading. It's hard, because I'm already so stressed and sick. I want to stop avoiding things, but I don't know what I have the strength to deal with right now. My whole family seems really messed up. I feel like the only one that is functioning even close to normally, except my brother. I am accepting this on a very fundamental level, but it's really fucking sad. I know I have things to grieve, and that stuffing my sad feelings would be bad. But I can't wait until I can feel happy about something again. Right now I feel as though I'm at the stringy end of a long hard winter. Desperate for the spring to bring some light and warmth my way.
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