What I've gained...

I gotz the fever!  If only that weren't literal.

Yesterday, A, his brother and I hacked away at our utterly neglected wild kingdom of a yard, beating the blackberries into submission (at least back to their safe space behind the shed, a no-man's land that we have long conceded), chopping the verdant meadows down to lawn length again, and completely clipping back the weird invasive vine/tree/plant thingies from our neighbor's yard that grow up our fence and across the front lawn until they block the view.  Whew!  We had way too much yard waste to go into the container, so we had to stack it behind the shed with the blackberries, and it's as high as the shed!  Lord.  We may never see that patch of grass again.

A and I decided to share a rare 10" gourmet pizza (it's been AGES, possibly a year, my half was the Zorba with spinach, tomatoes, feta cheese, pretty thin crust...it was magically delicious!) and two pints of beer at Fiddler's Inn to reward ourselves, then go walk through Home Depot to daydream about the day we can actually afford to landscape and pick up a few supplies.  By late afternoon, I realized that I felt TERRIBLE.  Raging fever, weak, achy, A said heat was emanating from me.  Starting to feel better today, but now A feels bad.  No fairs!  So we're spending the beautiful Seattle summer Sunday afternoon curled up on the couch playing video games and surfing.  Bleah.

It's TOM time (redundant, yes I know), and I am up up up in weight, 3.5 pounds, most likely between water retention and probably also from pizza and beer, heh heh.  I'm not letting it bother me in the slightest right now.  I know it will go right back down in a few days after the hormones re-level and I spend some bread/beer free time, always does.  So this post isn't really about that. :)  I'm glad I've stopped freaking out at the slightest fluctuation.  So's A, for that matter.

Instead of focusing on how icky I feel, I want to write about good things.  Specifically, what I've gained along the way.  I got the idea of thinking this way from C.C. at Journey to Lost 200 Pounds..., who posted about not losing what you've gained.  It's had a profound effect on my psyche, to think that way.  So what's better?  What's changed?  How are things different?

A and I have gotten so much healthier in almost every way.  We go for walks most days, occasional hikes and swims when we can.  We've both cut waaaaay down on the drinking.  We've reconnected on a profound level, physically and emotionally.  I never get tired of hearing him tell me how pretty and small I am now.  I tell him how handsome and skinny he is as often as I can.  At 19 years together, I think we're closer than we've ever been.

I've been getting more flirty attention from teh cuties in general.  It really boosts the ol' self-esteem to have the random attractive person chat ya up like that.  Just sayin'!

I feel much more comfortable in social situations.  People seem to be a little more receptive to me, and I'm not certain whether the difference  comes from the way they perceive obese people vs. how I look now, or if I'm just coming across as more self-confident, or what.  My social anxiety hasn't completely disappeared, far from it, but I'm not nearly as nervous or miserable when I've gone to parties or big gatherings of any kind.

I fit in all chairs with no issue.  There was a metal chair with arms at work in the break room that I avoided like the plague, all the way until this spring.  My hips would literally get stuck in it, and when I stood, unless I was extremely careful to push the arms down and wiggle my butt out, it would stand with me!  Aye-yi-yi!  Mortifying!  But now I am comfortable in any standard chair, airline seat, theater seat, etc.  A little while back we had people over and realized that A and I fit on less than one couch cushion, and two or three more people could get onto our sofa with no problems.  Before, three was a crowd!

My weight comes back down if it goes up without a big struggle.  I think this means my metabolism is healing, even if incrementally.  I am no longer freaking out about it, which means less stress and worry.

I bought and wore real swimming attire for the first time in my adult life, and I am not totally self-conscious in it.  A thinks I look totally cute wearing it and bubbles over with praise for me whenever I put it on.

I buy most of my clothes in regular sized stores/departments now.  This is incredibly liberating!  The clothes are cheaper, made better and cuter in general, though I've yet to figure out exactly where to go to find my style.  The last couple things I bought in a plus sized store (pants and swim trunks) are slightly too big and keep migrating down to the lowest point on my hips, not a good look for me.  I HATE belts with a passion, since I'm still not comfortable tucking they tend to make my shirt bump out at the worst point possible on what A and I have taken to calling my "Maui belly" (my stomach got slightly bigger ever since our trip to Hawaii.)  Plus it feels weird to have something cinching me around the middle.  Maybe one day I'll be skinny enough that I don't even notice how they seem to squeeze the life out of you like a boa constrictor when you move around.  I know that skinny people don't change as much in radius when they sit down, so that may yet happen.  I learned about that from watching a documentary about the making of Dune, when the costume designer was talking about the challenges involved in making the suits for Baron Harkonnen and the Beast Rabban, lolz.

My I get off track easily.  Probably the fever in my brainz.  I realize that what I've written about is a pretty standard weight loss blog post, nothing new under the sun, but I do think sometimes it pays to pay homage to how things have gotten better, even if it's a little cliche.  If you don't remember where you've come from, it's all too easy to slip into complacency and let your brain trick you into thinking you're missing out if you're not stuffing your face with everything in front of you.  Happily, so far this is never really the case anymore...I think I have a much better relationship with food at this point.  At least, when I'm feeling up to eating again.  Think it's time to make some tea!